The True Yardstick

A person on his own with no soul-mate has no indication of who he really is. Just as a person is oblivious to the beating of his heart, he is often unaware of the thoughts that fly through his head, for this is an ongoing process that he doesn't always pay attention to. The Torah therefore says that a man on his own is in a situation that is "not good".

For a person to truly atone and correct himself, he must know who he is and what his current spiritual level is. Without a wife, he can't possibly know this, nor can he attain full humility and emuna. With no one to reflect his egotism and self-centeredness, or with no one to test his ability to be charitable, considerate, patient and giving, he is likely to fool himself into thinking that he is much better than he really is. A person who thinks that he has nothing to correct is far away from teshuva.

We learn from Adam and Eve: from the moment that Eve was created, Adam encountered a new reality. He was no longer alone. His mate would now mirror his character and innermost thoughts. She'll show him if he really has emuna or compassion. By way of her, he gets to know who he really is.

To look properly at the world, a person must connect everything that happens in life to Hashem; nothing is random and nothing is happenstance. Everything in a person's life is the product of precision, individually-tailored Divine Providence, designed to help a person refine himself. As long as a person is on his own, he easily fools himself. He has fantasies that he is a marvelous, patient and compassionate individual. He sees faults in others, but thinks that they have nothing to do with him. But with a wife, he has no place to escape. The faults he sees in her are his own, mirrored back at him. What he thinks, she thinks. She mirrors his strengths and his weaknesses, showing him exactly who he really is.

For this reason, Eve was created from Adam's rib and not from completely separate components. She is a part of him; they are literally one. As soon as a person understands this, he stops trying to correct his wife and begins to correct himself. Once he does so, she will automatically be corrected, for once again, she'll reflect him. But, if a person sees his wife as a separate entity, not only will he fail to correct her, but he won't correct himself, either.

A wife is a mirror which the Creator uses to show me my level of Divine service. She is the way Hashem text-messages me to tell me how I should improve and how I can perfect myself. One who is concerned with correcting his wife misses all of Hashem's messages.

"I will make him a helper as a counterpart"; kenegdo, "counterpart," is a play on words in Hebrew – it also means "adversary". As such, if one follows the path of emuna and humility, seeing his own futility while living his life with Hashem, then his wife becomes a helper to him. When he realizes what a gift she is, she becomes more than a helper – a woman of valor.

When a husband is truly connected with emuna and humility to Hashem, he becomes patient, compassionate and understanding. She in turn also becomes strongly connected to Hashem. But, if he has arrogant tendencies – even if they're not apparent to outsiders – she'll be his adversary. She'll oppose everything he does. When he has no patience for her, her patience dissipates. Their relationship corrodes. A man must therefore see his wife's opposition to him as a red traffic light that says, "stop and do teshuva!" Once he makes amends with Hashem, she'll make amends with him.

Sometimes a husband sees his wife doing things or hears her saying things that are utterly objectionable to him. Remember, that she reflects his innermost thoughts. She is the outer manifestation of his inner dimension. So instead of being angry at her, he should do a spiritual root-treatment on himself.

Hashem does marvelous compassion for us by giving us a soul-mate. With emuna, we can see how everything a wife does is for the husband's ultimate benefit. She is Hashem's mouthpiece; when Hashem is pleased with a man, so is his wife. The opposite is also true. A wife's opposition to or displeasure with a husband is a sign that he should assess himself and strengthen himself in emuna.