Where’s My Dinner?!

Dear Racheli,

When my wife and I were first married, she cooked dinner for me every night. I loved coming home to a nice dinner that’s ready for me. Now, five kids later, I have to figure things out for myself when I get home. I’m trying not to be resentful and complain, but I’m not happy with this situation. I work hard and expect a little food to be ready when I get home. Is that really too much to ask?

Alex

David!! IS THAT YOU??? I told you to stop writing to me under fake email addresses!! Just wait ‘til you get home. I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich for dinner!

But seriously, Alex. You’re lucky you live across the world from me because the Iraqi fire is shooting from my ears. I’m nearly hyperventilating over your question. I think you need a good smack upside da’ head to straighten you out. Since I can’t smack you physically, I’z about to give you a virtual smack…

Listen here, Alex. Women have zero obligation to do anything around the house. ZERO. You got that, folks? The only halachic obligation a woman has to her husband is to participate in making babies. It’s probably because he can’t do it on his own. What a shame. I’d like to see a man go through a pregnancy and birth just once.

Anyhow…

You, my friend, suffer from two serious problems. First, you have a misplaced feeling of “I have it coming.” Like, what?? Who says your wife owes you anything? Is there a contract that she had to sign when she married you, stating her marital obligations?

Oh, right! That contract is called the ketubah! And by the way, didn’t YOU sign it? Didn’t it state YOUR obligations to HER?? I’ve never actually read a ketubah before, but I’m pretty sure there’s no dinner/laundry/clean house clause. I’d better confirm it with my posek.

So first of all, get off your high horse. Stop walking around like a prince and thinking that you deserve a certain standard of care. You don’t live in a doctor’s office.

Second: you have a deep lack of appreciation. Alex, do you realize how hard it is to be a wife and mother? Well obviously you can’t fully understand it, but you should at least try to understand what her days are like. You say you’re trying not to complain, but your compassion is outweighed by your lack of appreciation.

You know what would help you? If you’re not brave enough to attempt to do everything she does in one day, make a list of what her day is like. Write everything down. Every. Single. Thing.

Start with from the moment she wakes up and mentally go through everything she does. I’m sure she’ll be happy to point out the things you missed.

Raising a family is the hardest job there is, and five kids is extremely challenging. Just ask me. I have five and there’s no break all day long. It’s no wonder that Judaism puts women on a pedestal. At least, real Torah Judaism. The other stuff full of sexism is like GMO Judaism. It’s all mutated and dangerous for your health.

Alex, do you know what my husband does most mornings? He does the dishes. He doesn’t have time, but he puts on a Torah lesson and listens on his earphones while he’s helping me. That’s a double mitzvah right there.

Rav Shalom Arush has cancelled lectures with hundreds of people waiting for him in order to help his wife. I've seen first-hand how Rav Lazer Brody also helps out his wife in any way he can. Whenever she’s exhausted from helping out with the grandkids, on top of her daily tasks, he’s happy to make dinner. And that includes doing dishes.

Think about things you can do around the house that will help make her life a little easier. If you can save her time in other areas, I’m sure she’ll be happy to make you dinner. And who knows – she might even make dinner for herself too!

If you want a really happy and fulfilling marriage that goes beyond just having a nice dinner ready for you every night, read The Garden of Peace. Being married should be fun, romantic, and fulfilling most of the time. It’s not just a “you do this and I’ll do that” partnership.

Make your marriage the best it can be. I promise you that if you put forth the effort to help your wife, she’ll do her maximum to make you happy. And that’s a real life “happily ever after.”

Warmest Regards,

Racheli