Brain Lock

There is a form of torture that no one can see. There are people who are locked in prisons with invisible walls. There are people who are bleeding but you can’t see their blood.  Externally they appear “normal” even brilliant to others. In a rare moment of clarity they can explain a piece of Talmud to the brightest students in Yeshiva who have been stuck on it for days.

Having always been the different one amongst their peers, they have learned to think that they are despised. They compensated for the pain of rejection by becoming the weirdo that their peers and teachers defined them to be.

When they were literally dragged out of bed and forced into the car by their father there was literally nowhere to hide except in rage. When they were dumped into a classroom of children who mercilessly taunted them and laughed at their shame, there was no place to run to except to a world of fantasy.

In the world of fantasy you have the control of making up your own rules and scenarios. The real danger comes when you no longer know what is real. You are in even bigger trouble after you have seen 40 psychologists who also didn’t know what was real about you. Can you imagine how it feels to see one of the world’s most prominent therapists who said that you are the most complicated case that he has ever seen and doesn’t know what else to do for you? Or to be told by another well-known doctor that she has the same “condition” that you have and you just have to learn to live with it?!

Live with it!?

Your mind is consumed by “meaningless” rules that you are compelled to uphold and you don’t know why. You cannot have a spot on your clothing. If you discover a spot, you must return home immediately and change your clothes. When you are changing you must stand on the bed so you don’t get another spot on you. Then you have to wash the sheet and bed covers. If you touch something that isn’t clean you must wash your hands. On some days you will wash your hands 50 times and take 10 showers. If you eat or drink it may force you to have to go into an unclean lavatory so some days all you eat is a piece of bread. This is a very small sample of the many rituals that Isaac struggles with day in and day out.

When I first met Isaac he felt compelled to tell me every detail of his life story for fear that I would misunderstand him like his previous therapists did. I listened to him as attentively as I could for almost 5 hours and hardly said a word. When I saw that he was ready to hear from me I told him that not only was he not the most complicated “case” I had encountered (I have seen far more “complicated cases”) but more importantly that I thought that it would be easy to help a person like him. I pointed out that he was not only brilliant but that he was highly spiritual as well. I told him that someone like himself could easily learn to unravel the knot that his brain had become. I explained to Isaac how each one of his strange rituals was just a dimyon, a fantasy, something that was symbolic of the pain and trauma that he grew up with. After this, Isaac became less serious about the rituals.

It was so obvious that Isaac was looking for G-d and hadn’t found Him in his previous psychotherapies. How many people do you know that travel to Meron, to the grave site of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochie and pray non-stop for 4 hours that G-d should lead him to the right spiritual guide that will take him out of the misery of his life? Isaac did the same thing at the grave site of the Rabbi from Z’vill in Jerusalem. How many people do you know who are racked with emotional pain but find the strength to travel to Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky for a blessing. When Rabbi Kanievsky met Isaac he pulled a Talmud off the shelf (something he rarely has time to do with hundreds of people waiting to speak to him); and he told Isaac that he had a blistzenkup (a lightning fast mind) and that he was meant to use for learning Torah.

I am careful to not speak to Isaac about “obsessions and compulsions.” I speak with him about the pain he went through and with each word of truth that he articulates he has less need for all those rituals. I tell Isaac that I know that he’s a great soul because better people than me have said so. I tell him with confidence that it’s not a matter of whether he’ll return to learning in yeshiva but that it’s simply a matter of when. I tell him that he has a charm and a maturity to him that will enable him to get married as soon as some of this stuff settles down.

Isaac’s rituals have reduced by more than 70% in a matter of weeks because he finally met someone who he feels understands him and can see his good points. It’s not hard for me to believe in Isaac’s potential and that’s how he’s is starting to believe in himself. Isaac no longer has to yell and get dramatic to be sure that I’m listening and understand him. I simply remind him that he doesn’t need to do that anymore, and he smiles and stops.

In the words of Rabbi Natan of Breslev: “Even while the gates are closed and locked on every side and in every corner ~ so that one might mistakenly have thought that there was no hope, G-d forbid…G-d’s capacity to send relief and deliverance is very great, indeed, and His power of salvation is inexhaustible!”

Almighty G-d, thank you for sending relief to our brother, Isaac. Please bless him to utilize all of his potential to serve you very soon!

This is a true story. The names and personal details of those involved have been altered in order to protect their privacy.