Too Extreme
Is withholding TV, video games and the like from our children extreme? Chaim, a Baal Teshuva, seems to think so, so he writes Racheli and asks for her opinion...
Dear Racheli,
I read your recent response to a question about a kid being allowed at a friend’s house where they play video games. With all due respect, I think your response was much too harsh and unfair. What’s the harm with letting him do stuff that all kids do? I’m also a Baal Teshuva and I ended up just fine.
Chaim
Chaim,
I understand where you’re coming from very well. One of the hardest things for me about being a BT (baal teshuva) is sticking to certain rules with my kids. Part of me knows the truth – that certain things like video games are harmful to kids in the long run. The other part of me plays up the guilt with the exact same argument you have – I’m depriving my children of a normal childhood, G-d forbid.
Let’s break up your argument into two parts: the fact that you think that “stuff that all kids do” must include video games and the like, and the fact that you say you “ended up just fine.”
What is a typical, non-observant kid’s afternoon like? Think back to your childhood. I can bet you spent many hours staring like a zombie at the T.V. screen, unwittingly absorbing all of the violence, sex, and anti-Torah 
messages you could cram into one afternoon. I’m also sure that a good portion of that afternoon entailed you reinforcing the violent images that were hot-ironed into your brain by playing video games.
Tell me, Chaim – how old were you when you were first exposed to violent and sexual images on T.V. and video games? Seven, eight? Maybe younger?
What do you think happened to all those images? Do you think they just magically disappeared? As I’m sure you are aware, nothing that the eyes see ever gets erased by the brain. It just gets stored deep in the infinitely expanding memory banks. And though you think it didn’t affect you as you matured, I can guarantee you that it did.
For example – as a young man who was most likely exposed to garbage such as MTV, how did you look at girls before you became a BT? Did you really treat them with the respect and consideration that they deserve? Or did you date girls with the same self-serving agenda that 99% of other young single men have?
Be honest with yourself. Did anything you watched on T.V. promote wholesome, Torah-related values? Of course not. That’s not what TV is for. And what about the video games you played? Were they video games where doing mitzvoth and connecting with Hashem won big points? Or were they games that glorified gruesome, bloody killings and reduced the female characters to mere sexual prizes that the winner got to take home?
To put it mildly, these types of “children’s activities” are nothing less than complete tum’ah– spiritual impurity. The reason we don’t take it seriously enough is because the effects don’t show up until years later, when the child inexplicably doesn’t want to live a life of Torah.
On to your next point: you say you ended up just fine. Well, I’m not sure what level of observance “just fine” is, but let’s assume you’re Orthodox. Looking back on your life, I’m sure that you are proud of your spiritual accomplishments, as you should be. Assuming you daven, keep kosher, and keep Shabbat, these are all tremendous sacrifices that you have made.
Chaim, as a BT, you know what it means to have to give up certain things that you grew up having. It’s not easy giving up the “freedom” of being able to eat whatever you want with no restrictions. It’s not easy giving up Friday nights clubbing with friends. And as a man, you can probably agree that it’s most definitely not easy trying to overcome your physical desires, especially since you grew up being taught the opposite.
I don’t know if you have kids, but if you do, then you’ll agree with this observation that I made: no parent wants his kids to go through the same difficult challenges he went through as a kid. I am also a BT, and I would never want my kids to have all the years of garbage and anti-Torah ideals put in my head as a result of doing innocent kid stuff like watching T.V. in the afternoons.
Part of the biggest challenge of a BT is that we have to reprogram our brains and basically re-learn everything about life and how G-d really meant for it to be. As you know, that’s no easy task; and we face additional challenges throughout our lives as a result, particularly in the areas of marriage and parenting.
Chaim, do you really want your kids to go through the same challenges you went through? Are you prepared to take the full spiritual blame if they don’t pass those challenges? And did you really become a BT only to have kids that end up completely secular?
The secret of the Evil Inclination is that he makes everything start out very innocent-looking. But don’t be fooled. It is up to you to make every effort to see into the future in order to fully understand how your actions will affect your kids.
Wishing you a life of continued spiritual progress and awareness, Racheli
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Feel free to send Racheli your questions, particularly in the areas of marriage, dating, child-rearing and women’s role. Write her at racheli@breslev.co.il
1/09/2014
Balance and Inoculating Children from the negatives of the outside world. Don't disagree on the negative influences of some of those activities, yet one of the main spiritual qualities both Baal Teshuva and Gerim possess compared to FFB is that they are already inoculated from the negative influences of the outside world (which is one of the reasons why Hashem holds such people in a higher regard). FFBs on the other hand (especially the children of BT and Gerim parents isolated from the outside world), short of being inoculated to some degree themselves when younger are more susceptible to the negative influences of the outside world when they do end up encountering it. Not trying to justify the negative activities and understand why a parent may not want their children to make the same mistakes they themselves have made, however not having a social equivalent of a pox party (see Inoculation Theory) so people are immunized from the negatives of the outside world would do children more harm than good down the line.
1/09/2014
Don't disagree on the negative influences of some of those activities, yet one of the main spiritual qualities both Baal Teshuva and Gerim possess compared to FFB is that they are already inoculated from the negative influences of the outside world (which is one of the reasons why Hashem holds such people in a higher regard). FFBs on the other hand (especially the children of BT and Gerim parents isolated from the outside world), short of being inoculated to some degree themselves when younger are more susceptible to the negative influences of the outside world when they do end up encountering it. Not trying to justify the negative activities and understand why a parent may not want their children to make the same mistakes they themselves have made, however not having a social equivalent of a pox party (see Inoculation Theory) so people are immunized from the negatives of the outside world would do children more harm than good down the line.
1/08/2014
Videos,TV etc. I agree wholeheartedly. It is a wrong premise to make any decision based on what "others" do; young or old. Especially in a morally declining nation. What "others" do today; is far cry from what "others" did 50 years ago. I know I am 64; and appalled; we need multitudes of Torah teachers round the world not more game players; more children with fathers activily training children how to live.