26 Av 5781 / Wednesday, August 04, 2021 | Torah Reading: Re'eh
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Be Yourself!    

Be Yourself!

If you think you need to change yourself in the slightest in order to get married, you're really saying that you don’t trust Hashem enough to have made a soulmate for you...


Part 6 of Dating with Emuna
Really, you don’t want to just to get married – you want to get married to your zivug hagaon – your highest soul-mate – which whom you can be happy, have marital peace, and build a Torah home. If you are trying to be someone else, you can't marry your true soul mate, because you aren’t being yourself in the first place! Instead, you’ll marry someone on your level. If you're being fake in order to get married – you’ll marry someone who is also trying to fake himself to the chuppah (marriage canopy). So now you have two people who are both trying to be someone else getting married – and the mask doesn’t stay on very long once the curtain falls and the stakes are much lower, because it is so much harder to leave the relationship. The results are skyrocketing divorce rates, even in the Orthodox community.
It’s fine to “put your best foot forward.” The key is to be your best self, and not try to change yourself or make yourself different to get married. You must trust Hashem enough to know with perfect clarity that Hashem created you unique, and with a soulmate who is perfect for you (even if he or she isn’t perfect per say!). Your true soulmate will love you for exactly the things that the shadchan wants to change. If you think you need to alter yourself in the slightest in order to get married, you're really saying that you don’t trust Hashem enough to have made a soulmate for you, and you need to help Him get you married. Really, you're not helping Hashem – you're hindering Him! Now, you're not yourself, so He can't send you your true soulmate who will want to marry you, because he won't want to marry the mask.
If you're not sure exactly where the line gets crossed between being yourself at your best, and being someone else, or what amount of hishtadlus (personal effort) is appropriate, remember Rule #1 once again. Ask Hashem to help you know what to do, because there are no hard and fast rules. For instance, makeup every day for one woman might be totally appropriate, while only makeup on a date is appropriate for someone else, and no makeup at all for a third woman. Ask Hashem to enable you to clarify the truth and then stick to your guns on what you realize is the right thing for you, no matter what anyone says.
In Conclusion:
I admit that these rules did not make me very popular with the shadchanim. In the end all and be all, I actually went on a date with less than 10% of the prospective guys that were thrown at me. Remember Rule #1 – Hashem is your shadchan! What does it matter what the human shadchanim think, if your Real Shadchan is incredibly happy and impressed with you! He wants you to marry the right person and achieve your purpose in life together. The human shadchan wants you to get married, at best, and they want to say that they got you married, at worst (and maybe even make themselves a little money). They are not the same thing! Which one do you want?
Remember that you can make such a Kiddush Hashem by dating with emuna and happiness. And you can help others too – when they ask you how you have the strength to be so happy during such a difficult test, tell them “Emuna!” In this way, you can strengthen other people’s emuna as well, which is also a wonderful way to bring down Divine mercy.
Remember, whatever happens is just a test in emuna. G-d willing, one day you will thank Hashem that you didn’t give in on yourself and turn yourself into a kallah maidel in order to get married, because you trusted Hashem to send you the right one at the right time. I hope and pray that such a moment comes, very, very soon!
To be continued



Rachel Avrahami grew up in Los Angeles, CA, USA in a far off valley where she was one of only a handful of Jews in a public high school of thousands. She found Hashem in the urban jungle of university. Rachel was privileged to read one of the first copies of The Garden of Emuna in English, and the rest, as they say, is history. She made Aliyah and immediately began working at Breslev Israel. 

Rachel is now the Editor of Breslev Israel's English website. She welcomes questions and comments to her email: rachel.avrahami@breslev.co.il.





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  1 Talkbacks for this article    See all talkbacks  
  Best shidduch article I've read!
Anonymous,10/21/2016 7:23:09 AM

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