9 Tamuz 5781 / Saturday, June 19, 2021 | Torah Reading: Chukat
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Couples that have lived together for 10+ years and still never officially got married. Is this what you want to be? The woman your boyfriend didn’t want to call his wife?


I have a friend who is in a long-term relationship. She kind of lives with him, but still has her own place. She’s beautiful, independent, and successful. She says she loves him. He says he loves her. Yet there is a distance between them- there’s a line he is unwilling to cross.
He doesn’t want to get married.
The other day I saw pictures of his new place. It is a beautiful, spacious apartment, in a trendy neighborhood. There is more than enough room for two people. The caption underneath the picture was: “Jason’s new place”. He had a nice big smile for that picture; her- not so much. Her lips were smiling, but her eyes were telling a different story. I could practically read the questions going through her mind as if they had their own caption under the picture as well: “What’s wrong with me? Doesn’t he realize I’m the best thing that ever happened to him? What’s he waiting for?!”
Young women of today are letting their futures be sabotaged, and most don’t even realize it. Many women have a deep longing to be married. From the time we were little girls playing with Barbies, we have envisioned our dream weddings and subsequent happily-ever-afters. We custom ordered our Prince Charming, riding in on an elegant white horse (or a luxurious white Mercedes), whisking us away to our Fantasyland, far, far away from reality. Whatever our fantasies were, the general theme was usually the same- we would end up marrying one man, and live out a dream romance together for the rest of our lives.
Unfortunately, society forces a different version of romance down our throats. Today, young women are being brainwashed to believe they must give everything of themselves in order to get a boyfriend and a potential husband. They must also be independent- physically, emotionally and financially. What a messed-up double message. On the one hand, you’re supposed to live like a married couple, being the maid, chef, mistress, and personal secretary for your boyfriend. On the other hand, don’t even think about getting married! You can’t possibly be ready to play the role of “Wifey” forever! You haven’t lived together long enough! Furthermore, you need your own life, completely independent of your boyfriend’s life! That means you need to take care of your finances, your career or school situation, and everything else that revolves around you.
It’s a painful truth that easily gets lost in the chaos of day-to-day routines, until the Lady-in-Waiting loses her patience and demands a ring. From there, it’s either a forced engagement or a break-up.
I know couples that have lived together for 10+ years and still never officially got married. Is this what you want to be? The woman your boyfriend didn’t want to call his wife? And what about having kids together? Do you want to have kids and raise a family with someone who refuses to commit himself to you? Do you really want to be with someone who has an easy, uncomplicated “out” whenever he wants it?
Isn’t this really the bottom line?
Today’s woman is told that she doesn’t need to be married to have her happily-ever-after. On the contrary; she’s practically forced into perpetual singlehood in one of two ways. Either she jumps from one long-term romance to another, or she jumps from one 3-week romance to another. Most likely it’s a combination.
Women are getting messages from everywhere that they must be physically intimate in order to attract and keep a man. They’re practically forced into a promiscuous lifestyle by MTV, Cosmopolitan, and any other garbage-filled media that has infiltrated their unassuming brains. G-d forbid she’s still pure when (rather, if) she meets Mr. Right! He might think there is something seriously wrong with her!
What are the long-term consequences? Now there are huge numbers of women- attractive, intelligent, successful women in their 30’s and 40’s who are still single and childless. What did they expect would happen? When a woman jumps from one relationship to another, suddenly 20 years have passed, and she’s got no family to show for all of her efforts!
These women are at a severe disadvantage because right under their noses pops up the next younger and more available generation of unassuming, naive girls. Young women, you may look down with pity at these older women and promise yourselves you’re never going to end up like them... but you know what? If you keep getting involved in these role-playing types of relationships, where you act like you’re married but you’re really not- you’re going to end up just like them.
Remember the famous saying: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” I’m sorry to use the slogan, as G-d forbid I’m comparing women to cows, but you get my point. If you give yourself away for free, why would any man want to spend the rest of his life on you?
Women, listen up: You’re being misled in a BIG way. Sparks and fireworks fade after a few months. There is NO reason to be intimate with a man. He will NEVER stay with you because of that reason. If he doesn’t respect your chastity, he’s not good enough for you. If he isn’t looking to get married, MOVE ON.
But don’t take it from me. Take it from a man who not only understands the predicament women women are in, but offers the solution as well. Read “Women’s Wisdom” by Rav Shalom Arush and you will end up in happily-ever-after.

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  2 Talkbacks for this article    See all talkbacks  
  @Leslie Snare
Racheli11/21/2012 1:19:15 PM
  It is hard but I have hope
Leslie Snare11/17/2012 1:34:54 AM

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