Online Dating Advice

Dating is not easy. We are up against our own feelings of loneliness. We are up against a sense of urgency. We are up against physical urges we cannot yet satisfy.
 

Every time an old friend tells a sad story about an attempt to find a mate through online dating, my heart breaks. The person was not what he advertised himself to be, a dark secret was revealed on the third date, or the dater was just posturing for something else. Once he felt he had enough the emails suddenly went unanswered.
 

Nobody should struggle like this. I wish I could warn everyone what most people are looking for on these sites, and how the people who run them make their real money helping them get it. As someone on the wrong side of this equation for far too long, it’s time to tell the truth.
 

I am going to debunk some distorted assumptions about online dating. G-d Willing, anyone reading this can spare themselves unnecessary heartache. With Hashem’s help, they will be able to find their life partner with as few obstacles on the way as possible.
 

The following are friendly pieces of advice for how to navigate the online dating scene to find what you are truly after:
 
 

One: Ask Hashem for a spouse. It is not a friend, family member, or online dating service that sets you up. It is G-d. He may use these sites as His means to find you your soulmate, but He decides who. He decides when. He decides how. I remember praying to G-d every day to get married. I told my wife how I used to pray at the tomb of the Lubavitcher Rebbe that Hashem would bring us together. When we ask Him every day, we remember that we are babies in Daddy’s arms, and He will give us what we need at the most pristine moment.
 
 

Two: Be brave about what you want. When you want something important there will be trials and tribulations along the way. Online dating companies make money when you become a member and pay them every month. It is not in their interest for you to stop paying dues by getting married. We believe that a good date should lead to something more serious. It can, but for a guy who just watched photos of hundreds of single women, he is being constantly reminded that it’s better to keep dating and go after what these online sites want us to concentrate on. That is why the sites offer options like saying you are looking for a “date,” or a “friend.”
 
To beat the system you have to boldly state that you are looking for marriage. Don’t even say “long-term relationship.” Throw down the gauntlet and challenge anyone to match your level of focus. Over 95% of the people who were going to contact you will pass. The good news is that the ones who do show interest are truly looking for the same thing. As a former online “hunter,” I know that if you are looking for something less than a lifelong commitment, you skip the ones looking for only marriage. Selecting this option is the best way to weed out the undesirables.
 
 

Three: Don’t allow touching – even casual. Once you establish that you are looking to get married, you are well within your rights to demand that whoever goes out with you act with the dignity and gracefulness of a man courting a woman to be his wife. Be honest and open about what you want to give right off the bat. You want to share an evening of complete openness and honesty. You want to make a contact on an emotional and intellectual level. If this becomes the foundation of a lifelong bond, you both will share a lifetime of limitless intimacies. Until that time, these connections will have to remain spiritual.
 
 

Four: If things don’t work out after a while, don’t despair. If you get jilted by a clever guy who is too good at the game, remember, nobody gets away with it. Online dating makes itself out to be a game. Russian roulette, in which a player places a single bullet in a six-round revolver, spins it, and then places the gun against his head and pulls the trigger betting his life on the 83% chance that he isn’t committing suicide, is also a game. The truth is that there is no difference between either.
 
Hashem loves His daughters. He won’t stand for anyone abusing them — not for a second. I was a “dater” for years. I was so steeped in what I was after, that I never even considered that I was hurting other people when I used them for one purpose.
 
G-d reminded me. He stood up for His daughters with affection, justice, and total vengeance on anyone who would abuse those that He loves.
 
For what I did to His cherished princesses, I had to endure a suffering of the heart beyond anything I could possibly put into words. Agony doesn’t even begin to describe it. For lying and misleading Hashem’s daughters I shudder to think what Judgment I will have to contend with in the Next World. It can’t be that different for anyone else who abuses a woman or mocks one of her primary missions on this earth.
 
The real consolation for the tough moments is that this is the biggest challenge of our lives. More important than what career we choose, which college we attend, even the company we keep is who we choose to spend the rest of our lives with. It is a difficult journey. We travel it because we were created to be fruitful and multiply and once we do get married, every moment has the immediate potential to become paradise on earth.
 
May it be Hashem’s Will that everybody finds their soulmate, and lives each moment from this one in peace and strength.
 
 
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Dovber Halevi is the author of Sex, Religion, and the Middle East, a book about personal holiness and happiness. He lives in Israel with his wife and three children.