Online Lover

Dear Racheli,

I’m so mad I could scream! Last night I caught my husband on Facebook, using a fake profile and flirting with strange women. We had a huge fight and I’m ready to kick him out. We’re frum and this is completely unacceptable. I just don’t know what to do…

Chani

Chani,

OMG the nerve of him! How dare he betray your trust like that! Where does he get off thinking it’s okay to flirt with other women, especially considering the fact that you are religious! My first instinct would be to tell you to grab him by the payos (sidecurls) and send him flying out the door.

But, wait. Let’s both take a deep breath and think this through before you grab your frying pan and do some irreversible damage. Let’s take an objective look at what’s going on here.

Point 1: You caught your husband on Facebook. The great rabbis of our generation warn us repeatedly that we should have no internet in the house. Obviously they had good reason to give such a warning. Of course, that’s way easier said than done. Many of us work from home (myself included) and couldn’t function without internet. It’s a tough thing to work around.

A filter would be good to have, especially if you have kids doing homework on the computer. Alternatively, here’s a fantastic idea – put the computer desk in the middle of the living room and tape two chairs side by sid e- one for him and one for you – so you can watch every move he makes, just like a prison warden.  Your marriage is sure to flourish!

Seriously, though, the internet thing doesn’t get to the heart of the problem.

Point 2: He was flirting with other women. Here’s the real issue. And here’s where you have to do some serious introspection. Let’s try to understand why spouses cheat in general. To understand that, we first need to examine why people flirt to begin with.

Chani, think back to when you were dating your husband. Even though it may have been a shidduch (matchmaking), obviously you had a connection with each other. Hence, there was definitely some flirting going on, albeit at a mild, respectable level. Think back to how it made you feel – did you feel wanted, attractive? Did you feel good about yourself, knowing there was someone out there who wanted to be with you?

Of course you did. And I’m sure your husband felt the same way. Everyone wants to feel loved and wanted. Furthermore, everyone begins a marriage with the delusional thinking that they’re not going to fall into the same ol’ same ol’.

But what happens to 99% of us? The marriage indeed begins to fall into a routine. Life seems to get in the way – kids are born, work gets more demanding, kids get older and need more help with homework, the laundry exponentially multiplies, etc.. Before you know it, many couples turn into roommates who barely nod hello at each other while passing through the kitchen for a snack.

A person has two choices at this point: to try to revitalize the marriage or to let it fade into nothingness. Most people choose the latter. However, this choice has a serious and detrimental side effect – they still have that natural craving for love and attention. Thus, many spouses start “looking for love in all the wrong places”, as the song goes.

Chani, you need to be honest with yourself – how much love and attention have you given him since you have been married? Has it steadily declined over the years? And don’t get me wrong – I fully understand that you also haven’t gotten the love that you need as well. It’s definitely a two-way street.

Don’t blame yourself, and don’t blame your husband for what happened. I can assure you he didn’t do it with the intention to hurt you. I know it sounds crazy, but you should thank Hashem for putting you in such a situation. He’s giving you the chance to fix your marriage before it deteriorates beyond repair. Think of this as a big red warning light.

So how can you fix this? Well, two things. First, sit down with him over a cup of coffee and reflect together on the general state of your marriage. Have tissues handy. The important thing is to talk to each other without pointing fingers. This doesn’t solve anything.

Second, save yourselves tons of money and years of therapy and read the two best marriage guides in the world, written by Rav Shalom Arush: “The Garden of Peace” for men and “Women’s  Wisdom” for women. In Israel, these guides are so popular, that the Beit Dins (religious courts) require a couple seeking divorce to read the books first.

And you know what happens? Most couples don’t return.

Wishing you and your husband a true soulmate marriage; a heaven on earth, just as Hashem intended it to be.