The Four Wives

There’s a famous story that I’d like to share with you – with my own flavor added, of course!

Once upon a time, a rich and powerful king had four wives. Obviously they weren’t Jewish, because no human can survive having four Jewish wives. For G-d’s sake.

He was at the end of his life, because having four wives nag the hell out of you would end anyone’s life. Or it would make a man suicidal.

As he lay on his deathbed, he thought about the afterlife.

He was actually kind of excited, because he had experienced a living hell with four wives. He couldn’t understand why anyone would need four wives. “I guess hindsight really is 20/20,” he lamented. From that moment on, he overturned the decree that royalty must marry more than one woman. AMEN.

He didn’t want to go to the next world by himself, so he called his fourth wife to his bed and asked her to accompany him. His fourth wife was the one he loved the most; the one he spoiled with fancy jewelry and clothing; the one he took on romantic cruises and trips to Swiss chalets in the Alps.

“I’m sorry, I can’t go with you,” she replied.

“Are you kidding me?” he was shocked. “After all I’ve done for you?! You’re the most beautifully dressed woman in the world! And just look at your jewelry! And what about all of those amazing vacations we took together?”

“Yes, I’ve greatly enjoyed all of your generous gifts. But I can’t enjoy all of the things you’ve given me if I’m dead, you moron,” she said.

“GET OUTTA HERE!” he choked.

Devastated, he called in his third wife. She was the most beautiful one, the wife he took to all of his affairs to show off her beauty. Talk about shallow. “Will you go with me to the afterlife?” he asked.

“No, I cannot do that,” she answered. “And by the way, after you die, I will marry someone richer and better looking than you.” The king sure knew how to pick ‘em, no?

“YOU UNGRATEFUL WITCH!” he sputtered, sending himself into a coughing spasm.

He then sent for his second wife. She had always been loyal to him and had helped him out during his times of need.

“Loyal woman, will you die with me so we can spend happily ever afterlife together?” he asked, weary of her answer.

“Ummm, no?” she said. “But I’ll prepare your funeral and walk you to the grave, my deadbeat husband who just came to me when he needed me to bail him out of something. And you know what? I’ll even dance on your grave. Serves you right for treating your other wives better than you treated me. After everything I did for you, you loser.”

“GUARDS!” the king cried out. “OFF WITH HER HEAD!”

And they took the third wife to her afterlife.

“I’ll go with you to the afterlife,” a soft voice suddenly whispered.

“Who’s that?” the king turned his head, looking for the gullible and naive person who had fallen for his most selfish of requests.

“It’s me, your first wife,” she answered. “Even though you’ve neglected me our entire marriage, and you’ve never given me the time of day because you’ve been too busy partying with your much hotter wives, I’ve always been here, waiting for you to remember me. The truth is, I’ve followed you many times to different royal balls and spied on you.

There you were, drinking and dancing and having an awesome time while I huddled behind a curtain in a corner of the room, feeling sorry for myself and giving you the evil eye like nobody’s business.

I even tried to poison your drink once, because I was so jealous and fed up of being neglected.

But nevertheless, here you are, with your insane request, and I’m insane enough to honor it. You know, I probably should have seen a therapist at some point.”

Well, now.

The king couldn’t decide if he should have this wife killed, too, or if he should celebrate the fact that there was someone dumb enough to take his supreme selfishness seriously.

In the end, he decided on the second choice, and they died happily ever after.

* * *

Wasn’t that a great story?

Now I’ll explain the meaning.

The fourth wife symbolizes the body. We spend most of our efforts pampering it, buying it nice things, and taking it on vacation.

Unless, of course, you’re an overworked mom. Then you spend most of your time using it to fold laundry, clean the floor, and stand in front of a sink washing dishes for hours on end. If you’re really crazy (like I am,) you’ll just use your dishwasher as a drying rack and wash every dish by hand.

Never can trust these newfangled machines, ya hear?!

The third wife symbolizes our possessions. She’s all of the stuff we work so hard to acquire, usually with massive credit card debt attached. And after we’re gone, all of our possessions will be divided among feuding family members or sold to others.

You know, now I can understand why the Pharaohs took their riches to the grave with them. They be like, “You ain’t be touchin’ my stuff! Uh, uh! You thought u was gonna get your greedy hands on my jewels, yo? Get ya own jewels, losers!”

Back to our story.

The second wife symbolizes family. Correction. She symbolizes normal family that’s actually there when you need them. If you’ve got a good family, they’ll have your back through anything! As long as you didn’t kill someone or rob a bank. But even then, you have some crazy family members who might still be on your side.

Family is there with you through it all. At least, in theory, right??

But they can’t be there for us after we die. That’s unfortunate, because there’s a few family members I’d try to convince to trade places with me.

The first wife is… our soul.

Our souls are the most neglected part of our lives. They’re the ones we think of least, care for the least, and we certainly don’t show them off so everyone can gawk at their sparkling beauty.

In the mad rush of life, we fail to give enough time to develop the most beautiful, pure, and spiritual side of ourselves. Instead, we put most of our efforts into making money, having nice things, and showing off our eight packs.

Or is it just me?

Let’s spend more time getting to know our ultimately loyal souls who are trapped in our selfish bodies against their wills. It’s the least we can do to show them our gratitude for their unwavering life sentence. I mean for their unwavering service.

If you want to get to know your soul better and discover your purpose in life, there’s no better way to start than by reading the uber-famous Garden of Emuna.

It’s the answer to all of life’s mysteries. The book that will make you go “hmmm.” The spiritual charge that you desperately need.

Seriously, though, this is one of the best books that have ever been written.

I hope you’ve learned two things from this article: first, appreciate your spiritual essence. And second, don’t ever marry more than one woman. For your sanity’s sake!