The Holiest Temple

Every marriage has its ups and downs, even mine (surprise, surprise). But there’s something I’ve noticed in the religious community, a mentality that I wasn’t exposed to before making teshuva and moving to Israel, and it bothers me.

Now I can’t say for sure that this type of behavior exists in every religious community, but nonetheless I encourage you to pay more attention to what I’m about to tell you, so you can see if in fact you are guilty as well.

Since it’s obvious I’m about to pick on something, I feel compelled to clarify that I’m not picking on any person in particular. That honor is only reserved for my husband, King David. It’s more like something that I’ve noticed as a kind of outsider, and I’m pointing it out so people will have an opportunity to change it.

Are you ready?

After having spent the last seven years in Israel in a very religious community, I was happy to see so many people from all backgrounds and levels of observance make living according to the Torah the focal point in their lives. It was wonderful to see that Jewish education for the children didn’t end at 3:00 with the school bell, and it was even more wonderful to experience the sweet feeling of release and serenity as Shabbat came in.

Of course, the pressure that comes when Shabbat is over–that’s a whole ‘nother story! But I’ll save that rant for another time.

It’s a thing with religious people to incorporate Hashem into every part of their lives, even into their dialogue. It shows they always try to keep Hashem in mind during their daily activities.

That’s beautiful.

But why is there a divide between the way they act when it comes to religious observance and the way they act with each other? I mean, isn’t the whole point of following the Torah to make us better people who are overcoming our negative character traits?

So how is it that one person can treat another with so little courtesy, so little respect, and take others for granted? How is it that people can steal from one another and be dishonest? Don’t they know Hashem is watching?

More specifically, let’s talk about shalom bayit, or marital peace.

How is it possible that a husband can wake up early, pray to Hashem for hours, learn Torah for hours, and come home and treat his wife with little or no regard? How can he not kiss the ground she walks on for all that she does for him? How can he ignore her and demand that his needs be met immediately when he sees she is having trouble keeping up with the chaos that’s going on in the house?

How is this possible?

On the flip side, how can a wife bless everyone in her path with such beautiful blessings, yet be so busy running from one Torah class to another that she neglects her family’s needs? How can she nag and yell and scream at her husband, who is (hopefully) doing his best to provide for his family and to (hopefully) be a good father and partner? How can she yell at her children, the most precious of blessings that Hashem has given her? Doesn’t she know that all of her gifts come from Hashem? Doesn’t she realize He’s watching?

I’ll tell you how.

It’s because we’re human.

We all have tons of things we need to work on. So first, instead of jumping into the abyss of depression and self-persecution, let’s give ourselves a break. Life is hard. The tests we go through are very, very hard. Some tests are impossible.

But we have to remember one crucial point.

All of us pray that Hashem will give us our third Holy Temple. We hope that this will signal the end of pain and suffering and the beginning of true peace on Earth.

But I have news for you.

Praying for the Holy Temple is absolutely pointless if you’re not doing your best to make peace in your own home.

Since Judaism says that each home is a miniature Holy Temple, then we should do our best to remember this one key point:

There is nothing more precious to Hashem than a happily married couple, and by extension, a happy family.

If you’re not working on improving your marital relationship and your relationship with your kids, honestly what’s the point of asking, begging, crying to Hashem to give you the Holy Temple? Do you think it’s going to make all of your problems just magically go away?

Like I said, I know life is hard. We all fail every single day. But the point is to keep trying. Keep your priorities straight. Your family life is more important than everything in the world.

Your marriage should be the most important thing to you in the world. It should be something that you work on building and re-building every single day. When it breaks, you pick up the pieces and try again.

Of course, there are certain situations when the damage is beyond repair, and it’s up to you to decide if the marriage is able to be saved. But that’s not my point.

My point is that we should look at our relationships and our families as the place where Hashem’s Holiest Temple resides.

That place is called home, and it’s the most important place in the world.

Without peace in the home, what does world peace matter?

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Feel free to send Racheli your questions, particularly in the areas of marriage, dating, child-rearing and women's role; write her at racheli@breslev.co.il