Unbearable

Dear Racheli,

I am 50 years old and have been married to my husband for 27 years. We have not had a great marriage, as he is a very arrogant man. He says he loves me, but he insults me and is very demanding, like he owns me. We are now separated and are going through very difficult challenges financially. He wants me to come back to him, but he still insults me and doesn’t act loving toward me. The truth is that I don’t know why I’m with him, but I just can’t break up the marriage. Why is G-d letting this happen to me?

Julia

Julia,

At least you recognize that he isn’t treating you the way a loving husband should treat his wife. That’s already a huge accomplishment! In comparison, your husband still thinks he loves you even though he treats you terribly. He has a lot to learn, unfortunately.

As for you, you know that you shouldn’t be with him, yet you don’t know why you still are.

There are many reasons you are still with him, many more than I can think of. Generally, people stay in uncomfortable situations because it’s even more uncomfortable to face a reality full of unknowns. At least in their current uncomfortable situation they know what to expect and have learned to cope, even though it could be destroying them.

In the case of abuse, it seems that a common theme among the ones suffering from abuse is a deep lack of self-confidence and self-respect. A healthy person who feels some sense of self-worth would not tolerate being treated in such a way.

All of these things aside, let’s focus on something else.

Let’s look at your question from a spiritual viewpoint.

When people are in a very difficult situation, especially when there appears to be no solution, they may ask, “Why is G-d punishing me?”

Over the years, thanks to the teachings of my rabbis, I have come to realize that G-d does not punish anyone.

We punish ourselves.

As long as we willingly keep ourselves in that difficult situation, we are the ones prolonging our suffering.

Not G-d.

Those with more spiritual awareness might protest, “But the situation came from G-d! Surely there is some type of punishment!”

My answer?

Absolutely not.

When a person appears to be trapped in a situation, when he doesn’t know how he will be able to continue this way, when he has given up all hope and has resigned himself to living (or dying) this way, this is what I would call an unbearable situation.

People in such situations might cry out to G-d, “Please, G-d! Rescue me from this terrible situation!”

And many times, G-d answers back, “I’m not supposed to rescue you! YOU are supposed to rescue you!”

This type of situation is strikingly similar to the Israelites’ exodus from Egypt, when they were trapped between the Sea of Reeds and the murderous Egyptians chasing after them. What did they do when there seemed to be no solution?

They cried out to G-d to rescue them. But what did Hashem answer?

“What do you want from Me? Jump into the sea!”

Only when the brave Nachshon ben Aminadav jumped into the sea, the sea suddenly split for the rest of the Israelites.

The lesson here is very clear. Hashem wants us to make the first move to change our situation. Sometimes, prayer alone is not enough. We need to do something in this physical world to create a change.

Which leads us to another aspect of this question: why does G-d let the situation become so bad that you can’t stand it anymore?

Amazingly, the answer is the same: HE WANTS YOU TO CHANGE IT!

Was that clear enough?

Hashem knows that until the situation becomes unbearable, there’s no sweet-talking you into going to no-man’s land. Sometimes it’s necessary for Him to put you in that place where no solution is apparent, just like at the Sea of Reeds.

Julia, I hope that this insight gives you and others in a similar situation the strength to change your painful situation. As much as you know that it is unacceptable for anyone to treat you this way, until you understand that the difficult decision to leave is part of what you need in order to grow, you will stay stuck in this marriage.

To recap, in every difficult situation, Hashem wants us to learn and grow. He doesn’t want to punish us. When the situation becomes unbearable, we should know that Hashem is screaming at us, pleading with us to change it.

It’s up to us to listen.

Warmest Wishes,

Racheli