What Does Hashem Want from Me?

Dear Racheli,

I have been in a very unhappy marriage for many years. We have grown children and I’ve tried for several years to implement every part of Rav Arush’s teachings in order to improve my marriage. I’ve gone to counseling, rabbis, and tried everything in my power, including much personal prayer, to improve the very strained relationship with my wife. She seems completely uninterested in changing or trying to save our marriage. I am trying to accept that this is what Hashem wants for me, but it’s very hard. I don’t know what else I should do. Clearly the situation isn’t going to change.

Almost Hopeless,

Mark

Mark,

Wow. I’m truly sorry that your marriage is in such a terrible state! Listen, if you’ve tried everything and nothing has changed, I really have nothing to tell you that you haven’t read or heard before.

But what I’d like to do is get you to think about your situation with a different perspective.

Rav Arush says Hashem doesn’t give a person something he can’t handle. Therefore, the Rav gives quite a bit of advice in The Garden of Peace and The Garden of Gratitude regarding what a man can and should do in a mentally and emotionally painful relationship.

Once you’ve implemented the Rav’s advice, like, for real, but nothing changes in the relationship, i.e., your wife is still angry, resentful, and hurtful to you, then the Rav would agree that Hashem could possibly be sending you a different message.

Considering this fact, I feel that sometimes we’re misunderstanding the message that Hashem is trying to send us.

Take, for example, a spouse who suffers in an abusive relationship. Many times a person might be inclined to believe that since Hashem has sent them an abusive spouse, it must mean that they’re supposed to patiently put up with the abuse.

I absolutely disagree.

In the case of the abusive spouse, my opinion is that Hashem is sending the person this test in order to make him realize that he is worth more than he believes he is worth.

A person who has self-esteem will not allow himself to be treated like garbage. On the other hand, a person who feels deep down that he deserves the abuse, or doesn’t deserve to get treated any better, will allow himself to keep being abused.

Furthermore, Rav Arush is clear that there is no reason for anyone to tolerate an abusive relationship. NO REASON!

Everything in life is sent to us by Hashem. But it doesn’t mean we have to lay back and passively accept every situation as is!

Sometimes Hashem wants us to stand up and fight for what we believe in! Sometimes we have to fight to get what we want!

Sometimes, Mark, we have to stand up and say, “NO! I will NOT tolerate this any longer!”

And that’s totally OK!

So, I want you to start thinking about your situation in a different light.

Assuming that you have tried everything, which is what I have to base my answer on, I have one simple question for you:

Why are you still married?

If your wife hates you and you hate the way she treats you, and you see that nothing you do is working, then what is keeping you in this relationship?

Do you not want to be in a happy marriage? What about your children? Do you think they enjoy seeing their father being yelled at and insulted every day? How much happiness can there be in your home?

And what about family get-togethers? Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, etc.? How can the family possibly be happy when you and your wife are like a rotting seed infecting everyone around you with your negative energy?

Oh, and of course we can’t forget about the money. Assuming she’ll go after whatever money you have, would this be enough of a reason to not get divorced? So you don’t end up having to financially start over?

Again, I’m not saying you should run to get divorced! I’m just presenting you with another point of view.

Mark, these types of situations are not always a one-size-fits-all answer. While someone may be okay living the rest of his life as an emotional punching bag or a martyr, another guy might be filled with misery, as much as he might try to accept the situation with love.

Now if he’s filled with misery, how can he possibly do anything with joy? How can he pray with joy, work with joy, or even interact with his friends and loved ones with joy?

How can he, when deep down in his heart he’s dying from misery?

So, Mark, you have a very difficult decision to make.

Will you keep on living in misery because you think that this is the way Hashem wants you to live?

Or will you begin to look at your situation from other angles and try to discover messages that you weren’t getting before?

I hope this will ultimately give you the clarity and confidence to do what you believe in your heart to be the best thing for you.

Oh, and all you ladies out there – don’t think you’ve got no recourse. Read Women’s Wisdom and The Garden of Gratitude to fully understand what your expectations and boundaries should be in a marriage.

Blessings,

Racheli

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Feel free to send Racheli your questions, particularly in the areas of marriage, dating, child-rearing and women's role; write her at racheli@breslev.co.il