The Mirror of Success

I woke up for the third morning in a row plagued by worries, anxieties, and fears. I’ve taken some client loss in my job and it has made money very tight. With my wife’s encouragement and Rabbi Lazer Brody’s blessing, I’ve embarked on researching starting my own business with a new demographic. That morning, I was worrying about whether I would get the startup capital needed for the business. I was also anxious about whether I would have any success, whether people would use my services and continue to do so. I was worried about increasing bills like school tuition and not having the money to continue our lifestyle or stay in our house.

This went on in my head for about 15-20 minutes while I was getting ready to leave for work. All of a sudden, I noticed my thoughts changed towards anger and resentment. In a twisted take on Emuna, I started getting mad at Hashem. In my brain, I was thinking, “Why is He doing this to me? Why do I have to have these money troubles? I was happy in my status quo before clients started leaving me.” Through His loving kindness, Hashem made me aware of this progression, that my fear and worry had turned into anger and resentment against Him. From past experiences, I knew that anger and resentment was not the route I wanted to take but I had no answers to all these worries and fears. I decided to talk to Him in my car commute.

I normally talk to Hashem in the car on the way to work but this was a first for me to go to Him right away with troubleshooting my emotions. Everything I recount now is to the best that my memory serves me. I was very careful not to sound things out as a complaint. I said, “Hashem, help me. My Yetzer is filling me with all these fears and I know they’re all lies, but I can’t think of the answer. Please tell me the Truth, Your Truth.” I then proceeded to list each fear and worry and with each one, Hashem answered me with a thought of the Truth!

“Hashem, the Yetzer is making me afraid that we’re not going to have enough money to keep up with our expenses and keep our home. What is the Truth?”

I went silent and immediately this new thought entered my head, “You have never supported yourself. Hashem has been supporting you for your entire life both when you were single and now that you’re married with kids. You focus on what you have to do today, and let Him worry about your money needs in the future.”

“Thank You, Hashem. The Yetzer is also telling me I’m not going to have a successful business when I start it up. No one is going to like my business or my services. It’s going to be so embarrassing to be such a failure. This is a lie but I can’t think of the Truth. Hashem, what’s the Truth?” Immediately, the thought entered my head, “Hashem is the one who makes one find favor in other people’s eyes. Success is dependent on Him. You deal with the research in front of you and let Him deal with the outcome.”

I did this with every fearful or worrisome thought, and after each request for the Truth, Hashem reminded me of what I already knew about in Emuna. I was so astounded by the success of it, I decided to talk to Him about a resentment towards my wife. “Hashem, I’m feeling resentful towards my wife because lately I’ve been trying to improve in giving her more attention and spending time with her and whenever I do, she doesn’t seem interested in talking to me and practically ignores me. Hashem, I’m trying to be a better husband. Why is she ignoring me? Please explain it to me.”

Again, without fail, Hashem immediately answered with a thought, “You just heard Rabbi Brody say on a CD that your wife is a mirror of your relationship with Hashem. When it’s time for you to connect with Hashem, what’s your attitude like?” When I thought about that, I realized that when it comes to Hitbodedut (personal prayer), I’ve been dragging my feet. I don’t relish trying to sit down and talk to Hashem. (This is even with all the success I’ve seen from doing it and the spiritual rewards and growth it’s brought me). I certainly don’t look forward to talking to Him like I do working out. I certainly don’t look forward to time with Him like I do with my wife.

Instantly, my resentment towards my wife vanished. I said, “I’m sorry, Hashem. You’re right. I should look forward to being with You. I don’t know how to make those feelings come. Please help me to find it easier to pray. Help me to look forward to it. I’ll take the action and keep talking to You. Please give me those feelings.” After that, I resumed my normal morning personal prayers. With my fear, worries, and resentments gone, I then proceeded to have one of the most calm and serene days in a while. Thank You, Hashem!

The lessons I learned from this experience were quite informing: It was amazing to be aware of my progressively negative emotions and thoughts as the Yetzer in action. During the Yetzer’s attack, I was incapable of reminding myself of truths I already knew! I was incapable, until I humbled myself by asking Hashem for help. This is why personal prayer is so important. There’s no way for me to remember what the Yetzer wants me to forget unless Hashem helps me. Only Hashem can make me remember again. All I need to do is ask.

May we all learn to always speak to Hashem for help and may He help us to never forget about turning to Him!