Bold Desire

Let me tell you about two contrasting young men. Which one do you think brings the most gratification to Hashem?

The first young man decided that he must guard his eyes at all costs, for how can a person be presumptuous enough to think that he can cling to Hashem with all sorts of unsightly images contaminating his brain? He decided that he would spend all day long in the study hall, even eat his meals there. He would walk home at twelve midnight when no one was around, and then wake up at daybreak when no one else was on the streets and return to the study hall. He succeeded this way in chalking up "clean days" – days when he didn't see a single unsightly image. That way, he completely guarded his eyes.

The second young man worked half a day in the mornings then learned half a day in the afternoons. He tried to guard his eyes the best he could, but not a day went by without looking at something he shouldn't have looked at several times. When he finished his afternoon learning session, before going home, he'd take an hour's walk in the fields outside of town. He made a detailed accounting of everything he did wrong in the last 24 hours and confessed to Hashem. He would then pray for an entire 30 minutes, begging Hashem to help him rid himself of lust. He'd speak like this: "Father in Heaven, I'm trying my best to guard my eyes. Sure, I avoid looking at woman for the most part, but not a day goes by without me falling on my face at least once or twice. It's not that I don't guard my eyes, for You know that I try. But in all honesty, I still enjoy looking at women. Heavenly Father, the lust for the opposite sex still burns like a flame inside of me. It's where I'm holding, but it's not what I want. I want you! I want my heart to be in the Gemara and in the Zohar. Let me yearn for holiness and not for the ridiculous lust for women. Heilige Tatte, Holy Father, have pity on me! I love You! Let me cling to You! Let me yearn for You alone! I beg You – give me a courageous and bold desire to keep my eyes shut. Rid my heart of any trace of bodily lust or desire for bodily lust. Tatte, don't let me waste the rest of my life in a spiritual swamp. Please help me! Have mercy on me – I'm Your son – how can a loving father not have mercy on his son. Tatte, let me be a kosher Jew. Please, please have pity on me. Give me a fierce, bold and courageous desire to shut my eyes. Enable me to be courageous in protecting my soul. Let me taste true holiness and let me cling to You…"

Every day, the second young man doesn't budge from his personal prayer session without crying his heart out on this subject alone for 30 minutes. Any young man who prays like this every day doesn't have to worry about a setback. Hashem judges him according to his desire, not according to the outcome of his actions.

Even though the first young man – in deed – is totally successful in guarding his eyes, that's not what Hashem wants. Hashem wants the desire of the second young man, which brings Hashem tremendous gratification.

Rebbe Nachman of Breslev says (Rebbe Nachman's Discourses, 14), "One should have a fierce and bold desire to serve Hashem. This type of desire in itself is very good. Even though a person is coerced and doesn't yet succeed in wholly serving Hashem, this desire in itself is very good."

If a person pleads to Hashem for thirty minutes a day while seeking to strengthen his desire for personal holiness and for guarding his eyes, he spares himself all stern judgments. That fact that he is willing to invest in this endeavor on a daily basis shows where his true desires really are. A fierce and bold desire is the very ladder that enables us to climb the mountain of holiness and cling to Hashem; may we all merit, amen!