Inverse Desires

This Shabbat, I found myself with time to actually sit on the couch and relax. After a few moments, I got bored of relaxing, so I decided to pick out a book to read. I grabbed Rebbe Nachman’s Advice and opened it up to a random page. I suddenly found myself reading about the covenant, which wasn’t really meant for women. Nonetheless, I kept reading the juicy details so I could find something, anything, to nag my husband about. Hey, I’m Hashem’s loudspeaker, remember?

Well, I was totally blown away by what I read.

Rebbe Nachman writes: “The sexual appetite is the root of the evil inclination.  Confronting sexual desire is the main trial one has to face in this world.” This got the wheels turning in my head. I began thinking of modern society’s take on the subject of sexual desire, and I found myself getting pretty angry.

Sex is an area of life that dominates many of us; we’re surrounded by it in the media, and as a result, thoughts of sex have taken up much precious brain space. Women are progressively being degraded into sex objects. Just look at the female music stars – do they wear anything more than a piece of floss on stage? The pressure is on women to show off their curves, which ideally range from emaciated to inflated, all on the same body. But that’s not what got me angry.

What I’m upset about is this not-so-recent invention of HSDD, or Hyposexual Desire Disorder. It’s more commonly referred to as IDD, or Inhibited Desire Disorder. Although men may also suffer from this disorder, their problems are generally more physiologically-related. I’d like to focus on IDD regarding women. In our hyper-sexual society, the message that we’re forced to believe is that women are supposed to want intimacy as much as, or comparable to, men. We’re supposed to fill our minds with fantasies and act like temptresses to give off the image that we’re normal.

The media has already done a great job of destroying any semblance of modesty in women; but the pressure has grown significantly over the past several decades for women to become even more sexual than ever. The graphic love scenes that were once limited to rated-R movies can now be viewed on prime-time TV. And the worst part is that many of these shows are reality shows, which glorify drunken one-night-stands and other perversions.

I think one of the biggest problems with the media’s portrayal of sex is that the female actors behave intimately with the same voraciousness as the male actors. This message has lead to the complete and nearly irreparable distortion of the sexual drives of women. The bottom line?  Women are held to the same general standards of sexual drives as men are.

It’s yet another way modern society continues to butcher women’s already fragile self-esteems. As a young girl having been exposed to way too many love scenes on TV and in the movies, where did my expectations of intimacy come from? Ladies, did you have the same experience? And what happened when reality didn’t meet your expectations?

Do you see? We’re being set up for disappointment and failure! The biggest problem, however, is that we’re not being told to focus so much on what’s wrong with the relationship; we’re being pressured into accepting the “fact” that maybe there is something wrong with us! Enter diagnoses such as IDD or HSDD.

It’s the typical approach of western society- let’s “pathologize” everything and give you a magic pill that will take away your problems! Oops, did I say western society? I meant Big Pharma! Apparently billions of dollars a year isn’t enough profit for them. Yes, there are times that IDD will be approached in the context of a larger problem within the couple’s dynamic. But generally speaking, the focus of IDD is on the woman. Something’s just gotta be wrong with you if you don’t want to be intimate every night, ladies!

And don’t even get me started on how the media is murdering our young and innocent girls. No wonder the levels of teenage promiscuity and pregnancy are skyrocketing. These poor girls are trying to compete with femme fatales like Angeline Jolie; the saddest part is that most girls won’t lament their stolen purity when they’re older.

Did you know that Rebbe Nachman was one of history’s leading feminists? He puts the responsibility on men to work on breaking their sexual desire! How freeing for a woman to understand this! I know so many women who put tremendous pressure on themselves to keep up with their husbands’ desires, even though they themselves do not have the same level of desire. This is one of the greatest sources of stress in a marriage, and unfortunately women are usually the ones to get the brunt of it.

Guess what- women aren’t supposed to have the same level of desire as men! It’s a man’s tikkun, not a woman’s!

Rav Arush shares an amazing insight as well: there is an inverse relationship between the level of desire between a husband and wife. If a husband approaches his wife with lust, chances are she’ll be turned off by it and won’t be responsive. However, if he works on controlling his desire, and instead works on the non-physical intimacy, she will be more receptive to physical intimacy.

Get it, guys? Focus on the flowers and heart-to-heart talks, and work on controlling the animalistic side of yourselves. You may think it’s impossible to improve in this area, but remember- G-d wouldn’t give you a challenge that you can’t pass. Here are three things you can do: 1) read Tikkun Haklali every day (this will also correct past breaches of holiness); 2) guard your eyes; 3) ask G-d to have mercy on you and help you overcome your biggest obstacle.

Oh, yeah, there’s a fourth thing- give your wives plenty of attention!

For further insights on how to improve your relationships, read The Garden of Peace for men and Women’s Wisdom for women.