Basic Gratitude
The Melitzer Rebbetzen asks “The Rov”, her husband the Melitzer Rebbe shlit’a: why are so many people ungrateful, completely dissatisfied with what they have?
There are many things in life that puzzle me, and every so often one of those riddles rises to the fore and begins to bother me; and that's what's happened now as well. Something that I have been thinking about for a long time and which has risen to the fore again is the issue of gratitude to Hashem. Why now? Because I came across a case of such blatant ingratitude in the face of overwhelming kindness and helpfulness that it caused me to consider, by extension, how we relate to Hashem and all that He does for us.
We are always being told that Hashem does everything for us and we should be intensely grateful; and if we even stop to think for a minute we ARE aware of what Hashem does and we ARE grateful. But that is only occasionally; the reality is that we actually live our lives without thinking too much about it and consequently we're not particularly grateful.
My question is why is this so? Why are most people "blind" to the reality of Hashem's goodness to us?
Sometimes it seems to me that most people, instead of counting their blessings are dissatisfied with what they have, even if they don't always verbalize it. (Perhaps that's because in my position people come to discuss their problems with me. Even so, it does sometimes seem to me to be an issue of attitude as opposed to what I call "real misfortunes").
So as with all my questions, I asked the Rov [her husband, the Melitzer Rebbe shlit’a] this one as well; (it's very convenient to have a Rov on the spot because I don't have to go anywhere to ask questions).The Rov gave me three reasons for this seeming indifference, together with an example to illustrate each point.
1. A person is never satisfied with what he has. Chazal tell us that it is the nature of man that if he has one hundred of anything, especially money, he wants two hundred, and if he has two hundred he wants four hundred. Man is never satisfied with what he has and is continuously driven to acquire more.
Rare (very rare)! is the person who is totally content with what he has and can truly say "Boruch Hashem I have all that I need". Instead people think that if they had more money, they would be better off; and in this way they are busy all their lives trying to accumulate "more".
But, you might say "I am justified because I really do need ………….". The question is do you really need it or are you simply not satisfied with what you have at present?
And if everyone is so busy running after money no-one has any time to stop and be grateful to Hashem for what he does have.
The example that the Rov gave for this point is that we see that even wealthy people are still trying to accumulate "more"; they are so busy trying to make more money that they never stop to think that they have enough to last for a lifetime (and then some)!
2. Whatever a person is born with or grows up with is taken for granted. If a child is born into a wealthy home or distinguished family, or with outstanding talents or intelligence, he does not feel particularly grateful for this; he simply takes it for granted and considers it to be absolutely normal.
The example that the Rov gave me to illustrate this point was that of a baby who was born to parents who unfortunately were unable to raise him. Instead he was taken in and brought up by an extremely kind-hearted askan who treated him exactly as he treated his own children. The child grew up and his "father" married him off and set him up for life. The child "understood" that he ought to be grateful to his so-called "father" but because this was how he had grown up he accepted it as natural.
In the course of his life this askan (activist) was involved in a case of pidyon shevuyim, (redeeming a captive). A man was kidnapped and held hostage for a ransom and after much toil and effort the askan succeeded in freeing him.
The freed hostage was immensely grateful to his benefactor and could not stop thanking and praising him for what he had done for him.
The question here is why was the hostage so much more grateful than the child? Logic dictates that it should have been the other way round because in reality the askan had done far more for the child. But as the Rov explained, anything we grow up with is taken for granted and accepted as perfectly natural. It is only when one has matured that one can fully understand the concept of gratitude for what another person does for you. Even when young children thank someone for something they receive they do so more for the sake of good manners than because they are really aware of why they need to be grateful.
3. Many difficult nisyonos come upon a person in his lifetime with which he must contend. If someone does not understand why Hashem sends him these nisyonos he will grumble and feel that Hashem does not love him, and is therefore deliberately sending him troubles. With this attitude he will be unable to see all the good that Hashem does do for him.
The example that the Rov gave me here is as follows:
There was once a philanthropist who built a home for the blind and he spared no expense in making it as user-friendly as possible. He installed all the most up-to-date equipment and aids available to enable the occupants to live as full and normal a life as possible. Some of these devices were quite complicated to use so the philanthropist hired teachers to train the occupants in their use.
At the opening ceremony the philanthropist explained that his main concern had been to make the home as comfortable and functional as possible. As some of the equipment he had had installed were quite complicated he had hired teachers to teach everyone how to use them. In this way he hoped that everyone would be able to obtain the full benefit of all that he had provided.
Some people took lessons and soon learnt how to use all the equipment properly. They realized how greatly they benefited from everything and were full of praise for their benefactor who had invested so much time and effort on their behalf.
There were those however who refused to listen to what they were told, and maintained that they would not allow anyone to "dictate" to them. They said "I'm my own boss and I'll do what I want. This is not communist Russia and I have a right to lead my life whichever way I want". (Does that sound familiar?) Naturally they had no idea how to use the equipment properly and when they tried to do so ended up injuring themselves.
Of course they were hardly grateful to the philanthropist; they felt that they were worse off than before they had come into the home and that the philanthropist's only intention had been to harm them.
Look at the foolishness of those stubborn people. Taking instructions could only have been to their benefit, yet they obstinately insisted on doing things "their way".
When I thought about what the Rov had said I came to the conclusion that it was all absolutely true, especially the part about taking everything for granted.
To be continued.
7/10/2009
Much like keeping Torah and Mitzvot I very much enjoyed your article and it was timely as I had recently experienced feeling that certain people seem to always be ungrateful. In addtion,the second example the Rav gave made me think of the Torah and mitzvot, since the Torah is our blueprint for how to live as Jews but often times people feel Torah has no revelence nowadays, and that keeping the mitzvot appears to be a big “drag,” much like those who didn’t want to learn the new technology which was specifically designed to help.
7/10/2009
I very much enjoyed your article and it was timely as I had recently experienced feeling that certain people seem to always be ungrateful. In addtion,the second example the Rav gave made me think of the Torah and mitzvot, since the Torah is our blueprint for how to live as Jews but often times people feel Torah has no revelence nowadays, and that keeping the mitzvot appears to be a big “drag,” much like those who didn’t want to learn the new technology which was specifically designed to help.