Chronic Borrowing
A person might suffer an entire reincarnation for a debt of a few pennies. Who says that the next go-round won’t be 20 times harder than this go-round?
Dear Rabbi Brody,
My next-door neighbor is constantly borrowing things – a pint of milk here, a couple eggs there, etc. etc. Sometimes – especially before Shabbat or a holiday – she knocks on my door three times a day. Each time, her request is “minor”, but the stuff adds up to tens of dollars every month, because she “forgets” to return what she borrows. My husband is a grad student, and we’re certainly not wealthy, so we feel the loss. I’m careful about telling the truth, so I don’t want to say, “sorry, I don’t have what you need” when I really have it in my cupboards. I’m building up a lot of inner frustration and animosity toward the neighbor, yet I’m afraid to ruin the peace. Would should I do? Thank you, D.W., Ohio
Dear D.W.,
First of all, as a rule of thumb and good practice, always write down what you lend a person, the exact amount or item, and the date…
A gentle reprimand will release the pent-up frustration. When you don’t express yourself, as you yourself have seen, you accumulate animosity. The Torah forbids us to harbor hate in our hearts toward another person. The only way to avoid the hate trap is to tell your neighbor – gently but candidly – exactly how you feel.
On the other hand, King David calls a person who borrows and doesn’t return a rasha, an evil person (see Psalms 37:21). Our sages also tell us that it’s much loftier to help an evil person walk in a righteous path than it is to condemn him (see tractate Berachot 10a). Therefore, Hashem is doing you a favor in giving you a golden opportunity to perform the magnificent mitzvah of helping another person correct his or her ways.
The next time your neighbor shows up, invite her for a cup of coffee, sit her down, and explain that according to religious law, one who fails to return a loan is called a wicked person. All the crying and chest-beating in synagogue on Yom Kippur can’t rectify the crime of one un-returned potato. Also, the Zohar says that a person cannot achieve his or her rightful place in heaven unless they’ve repaid all outstanding debts. A person must suffer an entire reincarnation for a debt of a few pennies or an un-returned potato, and who says that your next go-round on this earth isn’t going to be twenty times worse that this go-round? Also, religious law requires that a loan should be given only upon signing an IOU in front of two witnesses. Why? Many times people conveniently “forget” the money and/or items that they owe others.
Finally, explain to your neighbor that with all good intentions, you and your husband simply can’t afford to be a free-aid society to the entire neighborhood. Unless the neighbor repays and returns all her outstanding debts, tell her that you won’t be able to continue lending, for her own good.
If the neighbor accepts what you say, you will have done her a phenomenal spiritual favor in this world and in the next. If she walks out in a huff, then at least she won’t have the chutzpa (gall) to continue asking for things. Either way, you’re the winner, and you’ve taken the load off your chest. The important thing is to avoid negative feelings toward another human at all costs. With blessings always, LB
3/23/2015
Other side of the coin
On the other side of the coin, one who borrows should also note to themself what they borrowed and from whom, because people do genuinely forget, which is also why they may not even realise that they have become a chronic borrower and a burden on the lender. Regarding the "gentle reprimand", one has to be extremely careful even if one is in the right. This is her neighbour as any bad feeling created by her reprimand can easily snowball out of proportion, creating a much worse problem. She should talk with her neighbour, but with all due respect to Rav Brody, on no account should she imply that the neighbour is a rasha, or that she is using her as a free-loan society etc, etc. If the neighbour feels so comfortable to pop round with requests all the time, she probably thinks that she has a great relationship with the writer. Maybe it is hard for the neighbour to get to the shops (and the writer could offer to help her with her shopping), maybe she has poor household management skills, or has fallen on hard times and tries to mask her situation with these frequent requests (in which case maybe this could count as the writer's maaser),etc, etc. Whatever the situation, the writer should not tell her neighbour, or imply, that she is rebuking her. She should apologetically say that she herself is constantly running out of things so it's a bit difficult for her to always have items available. She should try to figure out the root of the neighbour's problem and try to help her respectfully. If the neighbour walks out in a huff the writer has lost big time.
3/23/2015
On the other side of the coin, one who borrows should also note to themself what they borrowed and from whom, because people do genuinely forget, which is also why they may not even realise that they have become a chronic borrower and a burden on the lender. Regarding the "gentle reprimand", one has to be extremely careful even if one is in the right. This is her neighbour as any bad feeling created by her reprimand can easily snowball out of proportion, creating a much worse problem. She should talk with her neighbour, but with all due respect to Rav Brody, on no account should she imply that the neighbour is a rasha, or that she is using her as a free-loan society etc, etc. If the neighbour feels so comfortable to pop round with requests all the time, she probably thinks that she has a great relationship with the writer. Maybe it is hard for the neighbour to get to the shops (and the writer could offer to help her with her shopping), maybe she has poor household management skills, or has fallen on hard times and tries to mask her situation with these frequent requests (in which case maybe this could count as the writer's maaser),etc, etc. Whatever the situation, the writer should not tell her neighbour, or imply, that she is rebuking her. She should apologetically say that she herself is constantly running out of things so it's a bit difficult for her to always have items available. She should try to figure out the root of the neighbour's problem and try to help her respectfully. If the neighbour walks out in a huff the writer has lost big time.
10/19/2009
If your brother asks Rabbi Lazer arent we required by the Torah that if our brother asks we should not withhold our hand from him. Maybe instead of a stern rebuke discussing with the spiritual leader of the community if both are of the same one would be appropriate. Maybe they ask so much because they have even less than the person writing the letter to you. Maybe they could use a hand up from a local charity. Instead of immediately casting an evil eye on the person put yourself in their shoes. I agree if some one borrows they should repay..but just maybe things are not what they appear to be. We should always first judge our brother/sister fairly..first and foremost..assume the best not the worst.