What’s Your Type?

There are four types of people: One who says, "What is mine is yours, and what is yours is mine" is a boor. One who says "What is mine is mine, and what is yours is yours" — this is a median characteristic; others say that this is the character of a Sodomite. One who says, "What is mine is yours, and what is yours is yours" is a chassid (pious person). And one who says "What is mine is mine, and what is yours is mine" is wicked. – Ethics of the Fathers (5:10) 

It is very tempting to see four different people, as if someone is 100% “mine is mine and yours is yours.”  

Nobody is 100% greedy. Even a miser will pay whatever it takes to save his mother. Most of us are not 100% selfish. If our children were wanting, we would fight like mad to provide for them.  

The situation in which we find ourselves usually dictates the type of characteristic demanded of us. When we are at work or conducting business, we are wont to feel what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours.  

We are All Thrust to Evil  

What about the situation what is mine is mine and what is yours is mine?  

Any zero-sum situation fits this description.  

When the Met’s play the Yankees for the world title, all of the effort one team puts into making it to the World Series will only add to the glory of the team that  eventually  beats them. If you get promoted to the head of a department, everyone in that department,  especially the ones that competed with you for that job, will be contributing to the  success of your team.  

Even a backgammon game between friends will result in one person claiming what mine is mine – the victory, and what’s yours is mine – the effort made in the encounter.  

How to Glean the Good from Every Situation 

The worst type of character trait is so reviled by the Sages, they call someone with this trait a rasha, or wicked. The best type of characteristic is so loved, our Sages refer to anyone who embodies them as a chassid, or pious person. 

This teaches us two valuable lessons of life: 

Lesson #1: Avoid as much as possible those situations where you are forced to be a rasha.

Never gamble because that is a zero-sum game. Strive to always compete against yourself. Avoid any type of confrontation at all costs. If you are competing for a client, a promotion, or even an argument, trust in Hashem that He will decide who wins, and it will be in the best interests of everyone.  

Lesson #2: Put yourself in situations where you are encouraged to give to others, and become like a chassid. 

Spend as much time with your family. Our relationship with our wife, husband, sons, and daughters is, Hashem Willing, what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is yours.  

Spend time learning Torah. Spend time praying to Hashem. Spend time talking to Hashem. When we exert ourselves for our Father, what’s mine is Yours and what’s Yours is Yours. 

Maximize the time you are in situations that require you to be pious, and avoid places where you are pushed into behaving like a rasha.  

Easier Said than Done 

We’ve got to eat, right? 

To avoid the worst type of situation, do we all have to join the Peace Corps and live off the government? Is that the answer? 

Of course not. We live in the physical world, challenged by physical boundaries.  

It’s up to us to see any situation for what it is, and determine when we are forced to force out our bad traits, and turn them upside down.  

If you are in an argument, do your best to diffuse it. Lose it if you have to.  

About a year ago I was getting to know a new guy in the office. We were getting along great until we made the mistake of talking about politics and discovering how passionately we disagreed with each other.  

Rapidly approaching boiling point, I decided to exercise the better part of valor. He said something, and I said “Good point.” He backed it up with something else, and I said, “Duly noted.” He finished me off with his killer argument and I said “It’s on the record.”  

Behind me were about five people laughing like crazy. Even he started to chuckle.  

To this day we are still friends. 

Any situation that demands the winner takes all is one where you need to find a way to make everyone walk away with something. A business deal can be arranged that everyone walks away with a little bit more. Winning a promotion over someone  might  result in calling that person into your office, asking them what their next step is now, and seeing what you can do to help them. 

Beating the other side in any competition can result in helping them improve in the areas they were weak. In almost any confrontation, there are ways to find some victory for everyone. If you can’t, pray to Hashem for guidance and help.  

This is how you can turn what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine and push it into what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours.  

Then, you will never be a rasha.   

* * * 

David Ben Horin lives in Afula with his wife and children. Since moving to Israel in 2002, David has discovered Torah, writing hi-tech, hiking, coding ReactJS Apps, and hearing stories about the Land of Israel from anyone excited to tell them. Check him out on Highway 60 or email him your favorite Israel story at:  david.ben.horin@spreadyourenthusiasm.com.