The Blessing in the Curse
The message screaming from the Heavens these days says not to put faith in the stimulus packages or the leaders that create them, or in the weapons that cannot defeat Hamas…
To say that the that the first three months of 2009 have been stressful for me, for everyone I know, and generally, from what I gather in the headlines, for the world at large, is like saying that root canal surgery without anesthetic might be slightly uncomfortable. It seems as if every other day we are punched with a personal crisis, a community crisis, and certainly a world wide crisis. From my own struggles to get to the grocery store in the south of Israel while eyeing the corner bomb shelter, to the record job losses, ponzi schemes, and bush fires, to the utter devaluation of money and anything remotely connected to money, it looks like we are all tottering on a tight rope that could cut loose at any moment. 2009 is undoubtedly shaping up to be a whopper of a "Murphy's Law Year".
Nothing seems safe – not our jobs, not our homes, not the investments with ingenious, five star investors who defrauded to the tune of billions, and not even Wall Street, itself.
Lately, I have been trying to make sense out of this unprecedented mess, and from my conversations with others, it appears that I am not alone. There seems to be enough finger pointing and blame to carry us into the next century. Yet, the most fundamental principle of Judaism, as taught by the Baal Shem Tov, is that nothing happens on this earth unless Hashem wills it, that all is for the good, and all is for a specific purpose. This is the first of the thirteen principles of faith elaborated by the Rambam, the core of Emuna, or belief in Hashem, and the basis for everything else. The secret hidden in this formula, as elaborated by Rebbe Nachman of Breslev, is to uncover the purpose, and from there, use our efforts to make the necessary repair. With this in mind, I have repeatedly asked myself over the last month or so what is the lesson that we are supposed to gleam from the spectacular collapse of society's pillars unraveling right in front of us.
On a personal level, since the clock turned 2009, my work pace has slowed to a dribble as the transaction tap runs dry. I still strain to hear whether a bomb siren is sounding in my tiny village in the south of Israel as I waive good-bye to my school children headed out for another day. Physical and economic security concerns have begun to weigh on top of the normal pressures of trying to organize and run my home, perform well at work, and deal with those daily worries of whether my 10 year old's desire to play marbles all day long rather than doing his homework is "normal" behavior, whether my five year old might need ear surgery, and how to manage most efficiently on our very tight household budget.
To add to the chaos, one of our contractors who had been making repairs in our home tried to extort us for an unseemly amount of money, well beyond what we had agreed in writing. It seemed incomprehensible – we had so carefully prepared and signed a thorough contract, and yet, here he was blatantly and menacingly breaking our agreement. The fear of dealing with this battle, on top of all of the others, just made me numb. I simply couldn't cope.
That night, I sat down at our small, grey kitchen table, well after I had tucked each of my little ones into bed, and my husband and older children were sleeping peacefully. I closed my eyes and wailed to the Master of the Universe that I could not take any more pressure – I didn't know what to do. I couldn't control anything. It all seemed to be too much to bear alone – who would help me? Then, I suddenly had a thought – "Gam Ze Le Tova" ("Also this is for the good").
What kind of an answer was that? How could it possibly be for the good to be in the middle of a war, financial insecurity, and the threat of a possible lawsuit, on top of all my other daily struggles. And yet, that was the thought that continued to ring in my head. What could this possibly mean, I wondered, shutting my eyes with even more determination as I tried to figure out the punch line to this riddle. At that moment, I remembered the first of the Rambam's thirteen principles and Rebbe Nachman's admonishment to try to understand the message.
"I don't get it", I shook my head. How is all of this "good" – I can't understand any of it, and worse, I can't seem to fix it. "I can't fix it," I repeated slowly. All of a sudden, I realized that the blessing was in the curse – my desperate feeling of helplessness was the very "good" itself – I wasn't supposed to "fix" anything. I wasn't in charge – and I never had been. Nothing was in my hands, and my help would not come from anyone here – there wasn't any earthly security blanket – nor is there supposed to be. I began to realize how small and frail I really am, and how little I really controlled.
It was as if at that moment, that my "frailty" became my strength. I didn't have to go it alone – Hashem would help. That thought gave me an indescribable sense of relief. I said again out loud, "Hashem will help." I promised to repeat this to myself every time a panic-stricken thought crossed my mind.
With each trial the next day – the traffic jam to work, the "discussion" regarding my low work hours, the note from the teacher that my son didn't listen in class, and my whiny five year old, who wanted six cookies before dinner – I reminded myself "Hashem will help". I noticed, with each repetition, that the tension in my forehead eased, my clenched jaw relaxed, and I actually smiled for the first time in months. I began to wake up in the morning, and right after "modei ani", and before I could think my first worrisome thought for the day, I reminded myself "Hashem will help." Every trouble, no matter how large or small, that meandered into my path, I would stop, repeat those words slowly, and smile, as I reminded myself that this is a message as to Who is in control. That's the correct address for every request and the source to alleviate every worry.
This powerful understanding – that The Almighty is always present, ready to answer any request and to sustain and rescue where flesh and blood cannot – is the source of peace and wisdom. I began to absorb that the missiles in the south, the collapse of Wall Street and the financial markets, and the unparalleled natural disasters of the last few years (as well as whether my cake will rise in the oven) are all orchestrated with unimaginable targeted precision, and each serves as a wake up call. The question is whether we understand the message. This is the work product for a life time – to fine tune our souls to receive and interpret those Divine messages.
From this insight emerged an amazing, deep secret to tranquility – I could and should ask Hashem for all that I need – for strength, emuna, patience, health, a good income, for the light to turn green – whatever my needs – what's important is that I recognize the Holy Source that governs it all. This realization gave me incredible comfort as I began to understand that, at all times, help is always just a prayer away.
This seems to be the message screaming from Shemayim these days – no faith in the stimulus packages or the leaders that create them; no faith in the weapons that cannot defeat Hamas; no faith in the dams that secure the levies from flooding, but rather, a cracking of the exterior until we finally understand and agree and know that everything flows from the same Awesome Source.
As the Rambam said – that is all there is. Nothing else – this seems to be one of the great lessons of 2009, and this is the blessing in the curse.
In memory of my mother Annilee Patricia bat Rita.
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