Is Aliya for Us?

My husband and I would like to make aliyah. We’ve been back and forth over it for the past nine years, and now we feel  ready to do it. There’s a big problem, though- our teenage son is absolutely against it. As BT’s, we are saddened to see our son already breaking Shabbat and doing other things that we do not approve of, such as hanging out with the wrong crowd. We want a more spiritually-oriented life for our kids, and we feel that living in Israel is the best choice. On the other hand, we don’t want to ruin our son’s relationship with us, and with Judaism as well…
 
Leah
 
Leah,
 
You certainly are in a tough situation. I really feel for you, especially since you are a BT and have gone through so much to re-prioritize your life. In order to give up a carefree life of “do what you want, when you want,” you have to be a brave and strong person. It is obvious to me that you love your children tremendously and are taking extra care to make sure you make the right choices for them.
 
That being said, your question is loaded with other issues. Leah, I’m not gong to sugar-coat my thoughts, and this isn’t going to be pretty. But, I sincerely hope my answer will benefit your family and any others who are in a similar situation.
 
First things first. To me, the rift in the family because of your decision to make aliyah is not the real issue here. There are deeper things going on.
 
To begin with, it’s taken you eight years to commit to making aliyah. You must really understand why it took you such a long time. Could it be that you didn’t want to let go of the comfortable lifestyle you are living? And if it wasn’t such a comfortable lifestyle, wouldn’t that have been even more of an incentive to move? What exactly has been holding you back all this time? Family? Friends? Fear of the unknown?
 
It is extremely important that you clearly understand what has delayed your aliyah, because those factors are the exact things Hashem wants you to let go of. Living in Israel is not easy, but it helps us grow in so many ways. Personally speaking, I’ve learned that my expectations of how my life should play out were extremely limited. For example, I thought that I could never be happy in a small town. Now, I wouldn’t trade it for anything- except moving to Jerusalem when Mashiach comes.
 
So, if you come to the conclusion that you were too comfortable in your lifestyle, then you need to realize that you shouldn’t be looking for a life of luxury when you arrive in Israel. Even if you come with plenty of money, the easy life isn’t part of Hashem’s plan for us.
 
Second- from what I have learned, children act out in rebellious ways because their relationship with their parents is faulty in some way. Leah, you have to take a good look at what’s going on under the surface. What is causing the tension between you? Is he lacking positive reinforcement? Or a listening ear? Or could it be the opposite problem- is he getting too much attention? Is he made to feel that he is your equal?
 
Don’t get me wrong- I’m not advocating that you should ignore your kids! However, what I see  going on is that parents these days are trying too hard to be their children’s best friends. As a result, they stop having the parental authority, because a kid doesn’t honor his friends. Your son could feel as if he is your equal, and therefore, as equals, what compels him to respect your authority over him?
 
It could very well be that the issue is really a combination of both, especially considering that he is hanging out with a crowd that you feel is pulling him in the wrong direction.
 
The bottom line is this: right now, you’re not in the best environment for your family’s growth. In Israel, it’s all about growth! Whether you want to grow or not, Hashem will help you to break all of your self-imposed boundaries, in every area of your lives. In Israel, you have the best chance of living up to your full potentials, both spiritually and physically.
 
Furthermore, the chances of your children being brought up in a more child-friendly and family-friendly environment are exponentially better in Israel. Although you have frum neighborhoods where you live, believe me when I tell you that being frum outside of Israel versus being frum in Israel is worlds apart. Here, the focus in a frum neighborhood is connecting with Hashem and doing your best to follow a Torah way of life. Anywhere else, there is a great infiltration of materialism along with a Jewish lifestyle, and the line between Judaism and “gashmiutism” gets very blurred.
 
Leah, I know in my heart that if you move to Israel with the right intentions- to bring your family closer to Hashem- then Hashem will take care of you and give your family everything it needs. Trust Him- He knows what He’s doing!
 
Blessings for an easy aliyah,
 
Racheli