Regretting Aliya…Now What?

Dear Racheli,

I made aliyah with my husband and two children 12 years ago. It was his idea, and I went along with it. I still don’t understand what got into me; I was very close with my family and enjoyed my life in the States. We were all frum and celebrated Shabbat and the chagim together. Even after 12 years and two more children, I still miss my family terribly. I wish we could move back…

Linda

Dear Linda,

I totally understand you. Well, at least in theory. When I made aliyah, I didn’t look back for a moment! Maybe it’s because I’m a bit flaky and jump before I actually think things through. Or, maybe it’s because I’m a master at burying my true emotions so deep that I can’t find them until they explode in my face.

But enough about me. Let’s talk about you! You miss your family terribly. That’s understandable. It’s one of the hardest things to leave the people you love the most behind and venture into a life filled with unknowns.

First of all, give yourself credit. You’ve moved halfway across the world, to a country where you might not speak the language, had no idea that government bureaucracy could be so unbelievably complicated, and might still not have realized that the prices on the supermarket shelves don’t necessarily match up to the items right above them! Have you figured out how to pay the bills? This in itself can take people years to get right!

It is likely that, along with your regret, comes an equal (and likely) greater amount of resentment towards your husband. Do you look at him every day and think, “He ruined my life”? Now, many (most?) wives know that we can find endless reasons to blame our husbands for everything. Actually, it’s one of my favorite pastimes!

So, let me tell you – it’s not your husband’s fault. In fact, it wasn’t even your husband’s idea! Hashem put this idea in your husband’s head! In reality, your husband was like a pawn that Hashem was using in order to get you and your family here.

Here’s another shocker – do you know why you can’t understand how you agreed to make aliyah? It’s because Hashem made you feel the same way! Here’s what really happened: Hashem put a magical, hypnotic spell on both of you in order to get you over here!

Now we can see that it’s Hashem’s divine guidance that compels us to do things that don’t make any logical sense and scratch our heads in confusion afterward. Actually… the head scratching is more self-inflicted. I said that kind of confusing, didn’t I? Great. Now let’s move on to the next part – acceptance.

Linda, you must do your best to accept that your aliya was part of Hashem’s plan for you. This means that you must recognize that you don’t understand what is best for you, and only Hashem does. Clearly He wants you here for not just one, but many reasons.

Here are one or two questions that come to mind: were you too close with your family? Did you depend on their help too much? Were they too involved in your personal life? Did you tell them every problem you had with your husband, and allow them to give you their “advice”? Were you frequently caught in the middle between your family and your husband? Were you comfortable living in your family’s shadow and didn’t work to achieve some level of independence?

What about your children? Is it possible that they might have eventually been negatively influenced by their surroundings, having preferred the secular life instead of being observant? Would you have had many, many fights with your children regarding the limits you imposed on them? Could it have been possible that they might have lowered their level of observance or possibly even intermarried, G-d forbid?

Now that you see that Hashem indeed had His reasons for moving you to Israel, you need to look to the future. The first thing you should do is to ask Hashem: “What is my purpose in life? What am I supposed to accomplish?”

Linda, even though it’s already been 12 years, I have a feeling that you might not have worked on building a life for yourself here. Now is the perfect opportunity for you to start. Do you attend Torah classes for women? It’s a wonderful way to make friends. Each neighborhood also has a N’shei, a women’s social group that gets together every so often. Ask a neighbor how you can get on their list. Do you have spare time? Maybe think about volunteering with a chesed organization.

There are so many opportunities for personal and spiritual growth in Israel. But, if you’re stuck focusing on the past, you will continue to miss out on the life that Hashem wants for you.

Linda, know that Hashem loves you. He doesn’t want to punish you. He only wants the best for you! It’s up to you to figure out what that is.

Do yourself a massive favor and get Rav Shalom Arush’s The Garden of Gratitude. This book will not only change your perspective completely, but it will change your life! I’ve always said that this book could bring the Mashiach – it’s that amazing!!

Wishing you a fresh start with a happy heart and dreams of a beautiful future for you and your family, Amen!