Just Let Me Do Laundry!

Oh, I was in one funk of a mood. I had just learned that certain paperwork that was supposed to have been sent out hadn’t been.  Multiple voice mails, and weeks of waiting all to schedule a surgery that I would really prefer we not have to do anyway, and now the whole thing was at risk of being delayed.

I knew, and kept trying to remind myself, that if Hashem wanted the surgery delayed then that was for the very best. Despite this knowledge, I was fuming! I left an irritate voicemail with the scheduling gal, I bent the ear of the lady at the insurance company, complaining about the inconvenience this delay was causing us, told my husband I was “about to blow my top” via text message. To his credit, he immediately called me and told me he would handle it and did his best to calm me down.

You see, this is not my normal mode of operation and my text and attitude had shocked him (and me).

After our chat I felt better but the aftermath of my loss of emotional control was still coursing through my body. My heart was beating fast. I was short tempered. I was irritate and confused. This was not the “me” that I know. This was not the “me” that I’ve been working on for years. This was a spoiled child stomping their feet in a rage because they only got one scoop of ice cream instead of two. This was not a pretty picture.

Slowly I began to decompress and tried to take stock of what had happened. I could feel my fragile emotional state teetering on the edge of snapping at those around me so I busied myself with housework and contemplation. What was wrong with me? Am I really just a hidden volcano of anger ready to spew forth molten wrath whenever the right stimuli crosses my path? I hoped not.

I scrubbed dishes and thought about my life and all of the demands on my time and attention. It was easy to see that life had been especially busy and I was feeling the strain. Family, career, homemaking, volunteering, homeschooling, personal and professional development… The list went on. All of them are things I said yes to, things I want in my life. But in that moment I asked Hashem “Why do I have all of these desires to do and grow and create? Just let me do the laundry! Let me be totally fulfilled with a very simple life so that I’m not pulled in so many directions!”

You see, I’ve been studying a lot lately about the importance of using the special skills that Hashem has given each one of us. Of not hiding or running away from those things we’re supposed to be doing in the world. It is an empowering and, at the same time, scary thing to realize we each have a special mission in life. I realized my over the top reaction to the situation at hand had been building up for a while as I subconsciously fought against the reality of the fact that I am not in control. I have a mission in life and one way or another Hashem is going to move me down that path.

At first I ignored the fact that I’m supposed to be working toward my mission in life – accepting it in an off handed manner with a thought that, at some point, I’d receive this blinding flash of revelation and I’d be overcome with the knowledge of and desire to accomplish what I’m supposed to be doing.

Then I started somewhat resenting the demands on my time, especially those things that call on me to use the talents Hashem had given me. “Why do I have to be the one to organize everything?” “Why do I need to make the business plans and determine where and how we should focus our entrepreneurship efforts?” “Why do I have to coordinate events?” This “poor me” attitude was the place I was in when I snapped.

From there I went to the place of self-pity, thinking “Well, if I can’t handle the responsibilities and special skills that Hashem has given me then I should just give it all up and focus on the basics of life. Just let me do laundry and be happy!” I was running away.

It took a full two days before I felt back to my normal self and really able to grasp the experience.

Here’s what I’ve come away with:

We all have a mission in life and we all have a choice in how we will achieve that mission. We can say “Thank You, Hashem! Let’s do this!” or we can try to run away… which will eventually lead us back to our mission anyway.

I’ve chosen the first one, I hope you will to. Let’s do this!

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Jennifer invites you to participate in a regularly held Noahide on-line study group that reviews the garden series books of Rabbi Arush. You can contact her at jenniferjwoodward@gmail.com to be added to the weekly newsletter for dates and times. Visit the blog at noahidenews.blogspot.com.