One Woman’s Liberation
Before, my outside needed to portray a beauty that I did not feel on the inside. Now I feel my actions are prettier, so I’m not so obsessed with my physical appearance…
Women often bemoan the fact that inner beauty is undervalued, but in the spirit of pragmatism we buy into the beauty rat race. If we can’t beat them, we must join them or we will lose, which would hurt too much. We surrender to the game and begin chasing our tails, often at an early age, and often until the grave.
I was watching TV the other day and saw a show about a matchmaker. This woman runs a business for millionaires who need help finding a mate. On the other end of things, she rounds up lots of hot-looking women who are appealing to her millionaire clients. Obviously, these women are all below a certain size in some parts of their anatomies and often above average size in other areas. There are no plain women involved. She preps these women like they are merchandise, “Straighten your hair! Men don’t want to touch a Brillo pad.” The women are almost unanimously willing to comply because they have a shot at a rich guy. It is all rather sad. But you know, they all deserve each other. A man who would attach himself to a woman who is considering him first because he is loaded is in for a world of hurt, especially in today’s economy. A woman who knows right off the bat that the man is seeking only a woman who looks like some variation of Barbie, and who is OK with that, deserves such a man. In a way, it all works itself out.
I think once upon a time that show would have offended me. Now I just look at it and laugh a little. I think it would have offended me not because I was so much more righteous than now, but because I used to be obsessed with my looks, like so many other women in the world. I probably would have been comparing myself to the women and trying to compete with them. I am embarrassed to even type those words. I know so many women who are very well educated, genuinely talented, and undeniably accomplished women, who are still obsessed with their looks in spite of the fact that they are middle age mothers. Frankly, at a certain point, it is a Sisyphean task. Sorry. You can spend thousands and shave off a year or two. That’s about it. But the futility is not the reason I no longer care. It is much deeper than surrender: the longer I am religious, the less I care. Before, my outside needed to portray a beauty that I did not feel on the inside. Now I feel my actions are prettier, so I don’t care so much if I am physically so. I care, but it is not an obsession.
When I started to treat people in a manner that was more in line with Torah, the positive reaction was far more rewarding than any reaction I received when I was much younger and certainly prettier in a conventional sense. I can’t remember exactly how my behavior changed, so it was not a radical thing, but it did in what I suppose are lots of little ways. I think a happy person exudes a tranquility that is nice to be around. They have a vibe that is attractive.
This is liberation. And it is nice. I feel genuinely interested in being healthy and not taking for granted the body that Hashem has blessed me with. I want to be around for a long time and want a quality life physically as well as spiritually. So do I need to be thin? Yes. But not because it is cute, rather because heart disease is the number one killer of women and I do not want to go down that road. This body is a miracle and to fill the gas tank with garbage is showing a lack of gratitude to the Creator. When we feel stressed, we need to turn to the Creator, and not to the Keebler elf .
I feel good so much of the time I think because when you try to live correctly in terms of pleasing Hashem, not the beauty editors of Vogue, you feel like you are winning at something so much more valuable. That sense that you are doing OK spiritually, not that we should- God forbid- be arrogant, but just to be able to honestly admit that you are trying really hard to do better every day- that feeling can give you moments of a nice, balanced confidence that makes life so much more enriching than a beauty contest. It is such a treat to at least at times feel so above that nonsense. Not that I am a better person at all than people still stuck in that game. I just do not even care about the game. Most of the time the game does not even exist in my universe. And because I do not feel threatened by those women, I can genuinely be friends with them and not sink into their foolishness. And they know that I value them because of something deeper than their looks.
9/25/2009
modesty Dear Alice, Do Noahide women have a modest dress code, could you elaborate a little on this topic?
9/25/2009
Dear Alice, Do Noahide women have a modest dress code, could you elaborate a little on this topic?