Smile Please

Oh! I made you happy!” my son exclaimed with a huge grin on his face. He’d done something silly and I had laughed and smiled.

His comment was a heartbreaking reminder that my standard facial expression has all too often become one of distracted annoyance. The fact that my son comments with joy when I smile and laugh is a tale tell sign that he is not used to that expression from me. Instant mom guilt…

My husband often asks “What’s wrong?” or “Are you OK?” Questions that pull me from my thoughts and into the present. Despite my best explanation that everything is fine, great in fact, I can tell he doesn’t fully believe me. After all, who walks around with a grumpy face when they are doing great? I do, apparently.

My expression has become so much a habit that I don’t even realize it. The fact is, thanks to Hashem and emuna, I’m generally happy and in a good mood… but I rarely display those emotions through my expression.

I can feel the less-than-happy look on my face. My cheeks feel heavy, my eyes not focused on anything in particular (unless it’s my computer or phone), I’m lost in thought and my body is on auto pilot. I jump from one activity to the next from the time I wake until I go to sleep at night.

Some may say that this is the season of life that I’m in with so many responsibilities pulling my attention – that it is only natural that I would retreat into my internal list mode – going through my day focused on achieving everything on my to-do list more than interacting with those around me. However, my son’s comment has caused me to wonder: What good is the ability to keep 10 balls up in the air at once if, in the process, I’m giving my son and husband the false impression that I dislike my life and responsibilities?

Rabbi Lazer Brody once explained that a man typically has singular focus whereas a woman is often juggling multiple things at once – making dinner, washing laundry, feeding the kids, making a mental grocery list, talking on the phone… all at the same time. It is a wonderful blessing to be able to do this, but I think I’ve been misusing this gift from Hashem.

How? By not including Hashem in my day. By not asking for His assistance and guidance in achieving my tasks I have allowed my ego insert the “I” in everything I do. Guess what happens then? I become distracted by the tasks and annoyed with anyone who interrupts the flow of my day… because then “I” might not achieve everything “I” decided that “I” should do that day.

No wonder my standard expression is of distracted annoyance.

Thankfully (OH SO THANKFULLY) we can make a fresh start… a new beginning. I can start right now and begin including Hashem in my day, even with (perhaps especially with) the minutia – expressing my thanks to Him and sharing my joy with those around me. I can smile and laugh. I can stay present. I can engage my emuna and remember that I do my part by desiring and praying while Hashem takes care of the “success” or “failure” of everything. I can give my son memories of a happy and joyful mama. And I can encourage my husband through my positive actions and obvious enjoyment of my role in life.

I’m such a work in progress. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the many (many) areas that need work. In those times I remember Rabbi Shalom Arush’s advice – pick one area and focus on it in your daily hitbodedut for 3 months, don’t get overwhelmed trying to work on too many areas at once.

So, I’m asking Hashem to allow me to spread the joy and happiness I feel and daily – multiple times a day – I’m gently reminding myself to please smile. You know what? I’m even happier and I’m seeing many more smiles coming back at me. And, much more laughter is echoing through my home.  My outsides are starting to reflect my inner joy – and that is spreading happiness to those around me.

I encourage you to join me. Smile, please.

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Jennifer invites you to participate in a regularly held Noahide on-line study group that reviews the garden series books of Rabbi Arush. You can contact her at jenniferjwoodward@gmail.com to be added to the weekly newsletter for dates and times. Visit the blog at noahidenews.blogspot.com