The Laughing Gas Crutch

I laid in bed last night reviewing my activities over the last five weeks. You see, five weeks ago my son had his first real dentist appointment after having lost one of his baby teeth and having two adult teeth start coming in. I did not prepare before that appointment. That is to say, I did not pray before that appointment.

The appointment went okay – he was not really cooperative but the dentist didn’t push too terribly much and, overall, the job got done. They discovered a small cavity between two tight bottom teeth and a baby tooth that was being wedged in and not allowed to wiggle free without a lot of effort. Another meeting was set for four weeks out to take care of those things. “Don’t worry, mom, we’ll use a little laughing gas and go slow – even though he didn’t want to cooperate today that should help on the next appointment.” I nodded my head okay.

Leaving the office, I decided that since we have a little over 30 days before his next appointment I’m going to put in 30 days of prayer! Oh I had great intentions and expectations! I could envision it already as I drove home – I would put in my 30 days of prayer, appointment day would come and my son would march right into that doctor’s office, lay back in the chair and be totally relaxed with them drilling away.

Is that some sort of sleep-deprived mom dream? I don’t think so. With Hashem everything is possible!

But here’s the deal – the “we’ll use a little laughing gas” comment stuck in my head and became a crutch… a safety net in the back of my mind that I didn’t acknowledge but knew it was there in the shadows. It was a blemish in my emuna.

Two weeks went by and I was less than stellar in my efforts to pray daily about the upcoming appointment and was feeling rather guilty about it. The laughing gas was there in the corner of my mind grinning at me… dare I say laughing at me? “You know you’re just planning on relying on me – why are you even pretending you’re going to put in serious prayer about this?” it chided me. Man that laughing gas canister sounded an awfully lot like my evil inclination come to chip away at my emuna!

The dentist office calls and reschedules the appointment for a week later. Thank you Hashem! Take that Laughing Gas… uh Evil Inclination! Determined to double my efforts in prayer I set in on my new 3 week prayer plan.

Another 2+ weeks went by and I was feeling worse by the day. I was not being dedicated in prayer about this. I was probably even less dedicated than the first two weeks. What was my problem? I couldn’t identify it. Honestly, I was too busy feeling guilty about it to have any clarity around it. (Lesson #1)

Two days before the appointment I finally I prayed about the appointment from a place of emuna and thanking Hashem for having the appointment go exactly as it is supposed to go. But still, even from this clearer point of view, I know now that in the back of my mind I was still thankful that there would be laughing gas to help smooth out the situation. Oy. I have a lot of growing to do!

Appointment day comes and….. my son marches right into that office, introduces himself, waits his turn, walks confidently down the aisle to his room and…. Absolutely refuses to let them do anything. He will barely sit in the chair and no amount of pleading and cajoling and physically trying to assist him will make him lay down. The dental assistant says the magic words “We’ll just give him the laughing gas while he sits up to help him calm down.”

“Alright! Now we’re in business!” I think as she reaches for the air. My son? I quickly understand from his expression that there is no way he is going to have anything to do with this laughing gas business. I’ll save you the details of our silly attempts to get him to agree to the procedure – let’s just say that laughing gas never came anywhere near him.

“It’s not unusual for kids this age to not want to cooperate. It’s better that we wait than push him.” The doctor says as I gather up our stuff and prepare to leave after scheduling another appointment for two months out. “Maybe another couple months will make a difference for him.” She says as we part ways. I’m thinking “maybe another couple months will give me time to get my emuna together.”

I’m laughing and thanking Hashem as I leave the office. Over the last two days I had prayed that the doctor do the minimal amount necessary during his appointment. And that is exactly what they did. In the end, my son had agreed to let them look only as long as he could stay sitting up. The doctor had determined that nothing was too major that it needed to be done now… that we could have more time.

And last night as I lay in bed, the truth of the situation hits me. I realize how flawed my emuna and (occasional) prayers had been in this area because I’d used that laughing gas crutch, even if not fully consciously. It was if, heaven forbid, I’d said “I believe and have faith that this appointment will go smooth but if I don’t get what I’ve prayed for – at least there is laughing gas! That will fix it.” Ugh. (Lesson #2)

Thank you Hashem for the clarity and the lessons! I began to wonder where else in my life am I “supporting” my prayers and emuna with crutches? It’s time to get to work letting go of those ideas, fears, and falsehoods that are holding me down – it’s time to let my emuna fly without a safety net.

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Jennifer invites you to participate in a regularly held Noahide on-line study group that reviews the garden series books of Rabbi Arush. You can contact her at jenniferjwoodward@gmail.com to be added to the weekly newsletter for dates and times. Visit the blog at noahidenews.blogspot.com.