Words Can Heal

Walking up to the desk where I greeted 100+ people per day, my new boss folded her arms across her chest and said, “You’re not naturally a very nice person” as nonchalant as one might say, “It’s hot today.” I don’t recall how I responded… most likely I stammered some kind of shocked non-confrontational nonsense just trying to get her to go away. I remember she continued the conversation with tips on how I should be bubblier and go above and beyond in trying to anticipate the staff’s needs.

I was hurt.

I loved my job and found a deep sense of purpose in serving the students and staff. I believed in the mission of the school and thought I had found my calling in counseling high school students from poverty stricken and often broken homes. When my new boss was hired from amongst the existing staff I was beyond happy – I truly felt she had what it took to take the school to the next level. What actually happened was an almost complete collapse of the institution as she floundered under the responsibility of her new role. She lasted less than 2 years in her new position and in that time 90% of the staff quit, including me.

At the time, I’d been learning about emuna for about a year on and off – dipping my toes in its healing waters then retreating. I knew enough to know this was all from Hashem and was for the best, but I had not embraced emuna (nor personal prayer) enough to weather this storm without feeling incredible pain from the test. Words and actions really can hurt.

“You’re not naturally a very nice person” would replay over and over in my mind. I knew this was not most people’s perception of me – from peer reviews, friendships, and previous remarks from employers – if anything most people considered me nice, if not maybe even too nice to the point that they feared I would allow myself to be taken advantage of. Even with all of that proven “people think I’m nice” history, my ex-bosses comment seemed to outweigh them all.

As time passed and I grew in my emuna the pain of the situation faded. The comment, though, would still pop into my mind now and again. No longer painful, I would bounce the statement around in my thoughts as I analyzed it from different angles trying to gain perspective. I no longer gave it any weight of truth but that made it almost even more complex. Why would she say it if she didn’t see truth in it somewhere?

Fast forward four years and I now had a delightful, determined, curious, kind, and active four year old, Baruch Hashem! Experiencing a particularly trying parenting day, my voice had an edge to it as I requested his compliance with some task or another yet again. “Ick. That’s an ugly voice.” I thought and then BAM! My ex-bosses words echoed through my mind. I become sick with the thought that she was right – “I’m not naturally a very nice person after all. She may have been wrong then, but those words describe me quite well right now.”

I don’t know where my emuna was, but for some reason I didn’t think to apply it to this situation. For months, I let the evil inclination (EI) taunt me with thoughts of how I’m not nice, how she was right, and how badly I’m messing up my son’s life every time I heard an edge to my voice or otherwise was not living up to the parent I hope to be. The poisonous negativity of those words started to spill over into other areas and relationships in my life. It seemed no matter where I looked I could see examples of how I could be nicer, how I could give or do more, how I should be better.

And then, Hashem saved me from myself with His infinite mercy. Slowly I began to realize that her comment was a gift. I’m not naturally a nice person. Who is though? It is something we have to work on, pray on, to beg Hashem to help us move past our own egos and into a place where we can love one another as we love ourselves.

If my ex-boss had not put that statement in my mind, I wonder how long I would have gone on speaking to my son with that edge in my voice when I got frustrated and not recognize it? Her words, once so painful, turned out to be a beautiful gift that let me almost immediately realize when I was off the path and being “not nice” – even if it did take me a few months to remember to engage my emuna and talk to Hashem about it. 

Do I still get frustrated? Absolutely, and I also still get that ugly edge to my voice. I’m a work in progress and I pray that Hashem will continue to mold and modify me until those aspects of my personality are corrected. And I also learned a valuable lesson, to watch my words with my son, my husband, my family…. everyone – because words can hurt or they can heal and I pray that my words stay on the side of healing, always.

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Jennifer invites you to participate in a regularly held Noahide on-line study group that reviews the garden series books of Rabbi Arush. You can contact her at jenniferjwoodward@gmail.com for dates and times.