The Good Point

Not so long ago, I had an absolutely terrible relationship with a certain person. It had got to the point where I absolutely couldn’t stand them. I couldn’t stand talking to them; I couldn’t stand being in the same room as them; I couldn’t even stand being in the same country.
 
It’s not that I hadn’t tried. I tried, numerous times, to try to understand them, and to try to help them understand me. I put tons of effort into trying to fix our very broken relationship, but after a long time of trying very hard and not getting anywhere, I put my white flag up, and resigned myself to hating their guts for the rest of my life.
 
But then, I learned one of the most powerful bits of Torah I’ve ever come across, from one of Rabbi Brody’s English language CDs. On that CD, Rav Brody explained that every Jew in the world has a ‘good point’ – without exception. And if you could discover that good point, and doggedly focus on it, that by itself could turn the person around, and get them to come back to G-d.
 
When I first heard it, I was skeptical. I mean, come on, maybe it worked with people who were reasonable, or basically considerate or even a little bit nice. But this person? This person was selfish. This person was rude. This person was never appreciative or grateful for anything. This person went out of their way to say horrible things and to do horrible things. What good point could there possibly be in a person like that????
 
But, even though it was right at the beginning of the whole learning emuna process, I already knew that if that’s what Rebbe Nachman was teaching, it had to be right.
 
Even the most annoying person in the world had to have a good point, and I was going to give it a jolly good go to try and find it.
 
It took me months, literally. The first stage was to at least stop thinking all the bad things about them all the time, because just as our good thoughts can influence another person, our bad thoughts also have the same effect, whether we realize it or not.
 
For weeks and weeks, and I had a massive fight with my evil inclination that would start up whenever I was washing the dishes, or cleaning the floor, or making the supper, with what a horrible specimen that person was.
 
“Oh be quiet!” I’d yell back. “They are a Jew, and they have to have a good point….”
 
But finding it was really hard.
 
It’s human nature, isn’t it. Once we decide someone is no good, it gets harder and harder to actually see any good in that person. We ignore all their virtues, and focus exclusively on their shortcomings. Even if they did us a good turn once upon a time, we attach all sorts of negative things to it, so instead of seeing it as something to be grateful for, we get even more aggrieved.
 
So it was with that person. I’d spent so many years thinking the worst of them, I found it really hard to spot even a speck of good. I nearly gave up a few times. But then, I realized that finding their good point was my only chance of improving what had become an incredibly difficult, painful and upsetting relationship – for me!
 
So I asked G-d to help me. And once I’d done that, He showed me a good point I could actually hang my hat on. It wasn’t very big. In fact, by a lot of people’s standards, the ‘good point’ that I found was teeny, tiny, almost-nothing.
 
But it was something.
 
Every time my evil inclination started another conversation about how horrible / selfish / rude / boorish the person was, I’d shut it up by saying: “That may be true, but they also have this particular good point!”
 
Small as that initial good point was, it was enough to stop my internal carping and criticism. In fact, very quickly, I stopped thinking about that person altogether, except to occasionally remind myself of their good point.
 
But then came a big test: the first face-to-face meeting since the last, very unpleasant, time we’d seen each other. For the first time ever, I simply didn’t care about all the rude comments that were calculated to get a (negative) reaction. They were water off a duck’s back. But I still didn’t actively like the person.
 
That only happened a couple of years’ later, when the impossible occurred, and we actually started to enjoy each other’s’ company, and to develop some sincere mutual respect.
 
Now, four years’ on, I’ve seen changes in the person that I never thought possible. Now, ‘G-d’ is not a dirty word. Now, they go to synagogue quite regularly – and even enjoy it! Now, they are willing to read books, and accept ideas that would have enraged them just a few short years’ ago.
 
Now, that single good point has blossomed into a myriad of good points.
 
It really showed me the power of prayer; and it also showed me the power of Rebbe Nachman’s teachings. Things can be fixed that seemed to be irreparably broken. People can be tipped into the scale of repentance simply by focusing on their good point.
 
And each and every one of us can encourage our friends, our neighbors, our family members to get closer to G-d. Not by preaching; not by criticizing; and not by arguing – but simply by focusing on their good point, and asking G-d to do the rest.