Click Here for Heartache

It was such a sad phone call. A woman I know told me that her husband is addicted to the internet. And she didn’t mean the news.

The wife was stunned. She knew her husband watched movies but she never suspected that they were “those kind.”

I sat for an hour listening to her talk and cry. I was also shaken because I have actually met her husband and I would never have imagined he would look at such things. You never know.

I have other clients whose husbands are internet addicts. But what made this one especially pitiful was the fact that this man is over sixty, the father of a large and loving family and a grandfather as well. How could a man his age get caught in a web of perversion? The answer is the evil inclination does not discriminate. Anyone is fair game.

What is this sixty year old wife supposed to do now? Divorce him after forty years and find someone healthier? Dismantle the family? Explain to the married kids that Daddy has an issue she can’t live with? Tell the grand-kids that their Poppy is a pervert?

This husband has begun attending a 12 step group. That’s good and I wish him a full recovery but it doesn’t help his wife much; it doesn’t lessen her sorrow.

I want to say a few things to any husband who looks at pornography: I know you don’t feel good about it, I know you’re not proud. Obviously you have some deep issues that need to be examined. And while it’s true that that some men have a very strong urge to look at other women and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your wife when you do, the injury you cause can be fatal to your marriage. Every man needs to avoid these sites completely, they are spiritual poison. No divine blessings can rain down upon a ship whose captain is immersed in immorality.

You are breaking your wife’s heart whenever you look at any woman besides her. Hashem made women to long for their husbands. What that means is that a woman craves the feeling of being cherished by her spouse.  As Rav Shalom Arush writes, “A wife needs to feel that she is number one in her husband’s life.”

Women today do not have it easy. No matter how good-looking a woman may be, she cannot compare to the air-brushed, surgically altered women one sees in fashion magazines, Hollywood movies and porn sites. She cannot compare to professional models, rock stars and actresses/prostitutes. Just like you, a regular guy, cannot compare to the handsome and muscular men you see on the screen.

Eventually the time comes when wives get a little older, gain some weight, are too tired to apply make-up or don’t have time to dress up for you (because they are busy raising your kids). And even women who do consistently make the effort to look their best and stay slim and fit, well, eventually a man gets used to his wife, no matter how pretty she is. The love for her doesn’t subside but the degree of lust definitely will. That’s life and that’s normal. As time moves on, all couples must work to keep their romance alive. That’s one of the purposes of the mitzva of Family Purity. It’s absolutely brilliant.

One of the things that is most addictive about porn is the sheer number of woman there are to look at. One man who studies internet addiction claims that today’s men can see more immodestly dressed women in a matter of minutes than their grandfathers did in an entire lifetime. It’s a lustful craving for the new, the newer, the newest, the next and the one after that. Also the younger the man is when he begins watching, the more severe the consequences, which include the same brain damage seen in drug addicts. And there are other physical problems that occur, which I will not mention specifically but which I guarantee are not good for your marriage.

When a woman discovers her husband is watching pornography it destroys her self-esteem. She is reduced to a vulnerable wreck of insecurity, and assumes she is no longer appealing, attractive, or desirable to the man she loves. She may blame herself for being inadequate or deficient in the intimacy department. But your addiction is not about her and you know it.

Is watching pornography worth the emotional slaughter of your wife? What were you thinking the first time you clicked your way to a forbidden zone? How can you bring such impurity and poison into the home your wife cleans and cares for, the home where she feeds your children and keeps them safe? The home she has decorated and made comfortable for you?

I don’t mean to sound self-righteous, it’s just that I have heard too many women weeping, too many women who feel broken and betrayed.

If there are problems in your marriage, if there is a sexual issue that needs to be addressed, than take care of it. By all means, go for help.   But don’t run to that filthy location – run to Guard Your Eyes.com. Pornography holds no solution for whatever it is that’s driving you there. Unless you believe your salvation can be found in the sewer.