Forbidden Sexual Acts
Forbidden sex cheapens a holy act and puts distance between us and the Creator, especially when we go for the sexual high outside of the appropriate boundaries.
The Seven Noahide Commandments, Part 6
5. Do not engage in illicit sexual acts
See Leviticus 18 for a detailed list.
The general idea that flows from sexual prohibitions in Torah is to keep sex between married people. Any other sexual activity, whether alone or with someone else is prohibited. The purpose of sex – which is a beautiful act, a gift from God, and nothing to be ashamed of – is to produce babies and to create a special bond between married people. It is not healthy for us as individuals or as a society for sexual activity to be used for other purposes. Sex can be fun and beautiful and passionate, of course. But it cheapens a holy act and puts distance between us and the Creator when we go for the sexual high outside of the appropriate boundaries.
Obviously, it has always been difficult to control sexual urges. This is something with which humans, both male and female, have battled since the dawn of man. It can be enormously challenging to control these urges, even for disciplined people. It is vital to remember that having the urge does not make you a ‘bad person’. A great person can have a base urge – even many! The problems arise when we do not respond correctly to the urges. As Rabbi Arush and Rabbi Brody have taught, God does not want your guilt – He wants your repentance. He wants for us to make healthy, moral choices that will bring us closer to Him, not for us to spend our waking hours making mistakes, and then feeling like garbage, over and over. We must not become trapped in guilt and negative emotions, rather take measures to do better.
There are many methods for channeling and thwarting these desires that conscientious people have developed over the ages. To speak of such a project in this day and age may sound enormously old-fashioned, naive, or even ridiculous to many. I do not think it is old-fashioned in the least to decide for oneself to put the cart before the horse, to decide that bodily appetites will not direct our every decision. The connection to Hashem, the tranquility, the sense of accomplishment, the joy that comes from living a balanced, correct, and quality life are worth the effort it takes to say ‘no’ to inappropriate bodily urges, whether they are in the arena of sexuality, diet, vanity – the list goes on and on.
I watched a lovely video clip about the role of food in Judaism that was floating around the internet around the time of Passover. I wish I had a copy. At one point a group of Jewish men are enjoying a meal together. Before each bite of food they say what good deed the food will be used to fuel: to say hello to a stranger, to call a person who needs to be cheered up, to help their wife with a chore, etc. I can’t remember the exact list, but the concept stuck with me. Imagine if we all thought the same way before we acted on a sexual urge. Imagine if we went though a list in our mind to really reflect upon the sanctity of our motivation. If our motivation is not appropriate, then a real spiritual opportunity is before us.
Some strategies for success:
- We can call on the Creator for help in general and specifically when we are in the heat of the moment battling a urge. When we bring God into the moment, put him consciously there with us, we are empowered to do good.
- We can change our environment.
- We can distract ourselves by doing something else.
- We can reflect upon the degree to which we are being influenced by our friends and acquaintances to make poor choices. Don’t think that because you are an adult your friends don’t influence you.
- In a similar vein, we should not be socializing with people to whom we may become attracted. This is why in the Orthodox world, men and women do not socialize the way people in the secular world do. Why ask for trouble? This is true whether or not you are married. This is true whether or not you are emailing, texting, or going out to lunch. If there is potential for attraction, there needs to be distance.
- Scrutinize what you are allowing yourself to see and listen to, whether it is TV, internet, social media, movies, magazines, newspapers, art, music, or poetry. What we consume with our eyes and ears will direct our urges for better or worse. Clearly, we are bombarded with sexual imagery in Western cultures. Turn it off and shut it out.
- Put the computer in a public place in the home. There are also internet filters that can help adults to make good choices and can make sure kids aren’t even accidentally exposed to some of the trash that is so pervasive on the internet.
- Be modest in your own appearance, whether male or female. If every time you look at yourself you see a concrete reminder of where our hearts and minds should be, you will be less likely to make a poor choice and less likely to encourage someone else to.
- Guard your eyes when it comes to gazing upon people in public. Try to let your eyes gloss over people instead of focusing and pausing to look, even for a few seconds. In addition to protecting your own soul, you are showing the other person respect. Human beings are not meat. Be conscious of the fact that some people don’t understand the importance of modesty and dress very inappropriately in public. That doesn’t make it OK to stare at them.
- Stay busy doing good things and you will get into a positive cycle where it becomes easier to make good choices that fuel other good choices.
- For a married people, we can make sure we have a healthy sex life with our spouse so that the urges have an appropriate outlet. There are side benefits to this. As the saying goes, the heat from the bedroom warms up the whole house. Kids benefit from the strengthened bond between mom and dad. We are also setting a great example for them by showing them that marriage is a beautiful choice and the appropriate arena for sexuality. Stay healthy and fit, set aside parent time by establishing a date night, and make this time to bond important instead of letting it fall by the wayside as so many couples do.
Remember that God challenges us to make us stronger, to help us to grow. A challenge is a chance to uplift yourself spiritually, an opportunity to win. The Evil Inclination, as Rabbi Friedman has put it, is God’s best employee. He never misses a day of work and never takes a break. As Rabbi Brody has put it, he’s like a sparring partner to help a boxer train to become stronger and stronger. When tempted, visualize knocking him out by refusing to give in to temptation, then instead of feeling guilt over an urge that blindsides you, you feel the joy of victory over kicking the EI to the curb.
(Three books that I have found particularly helpful in understanding these laws are The Seven Colors of the Rainbow, by Rabbi Yiremeyahu Bindman; The Path of the Righteous Gentile by Chaim Clorfene and Yakov Rogalsky; and The Seven Laws of Noach by Aaron Lichtenstein.)
8/04/2009
location of the video discussed on kavana of food the location of the video discussed on food can be found on myjewishlearning.com if you search under “What jews eat.” Thanks for addressing an important issue
8/04/2009
the location of the video discussed on food can be found on myjewishlearning.com if you search under “What jews eat.” Thanks for addressing an important issue