Calm in Public, Angry at Home
With no prior verbal amenities, she shrieked, "Where the blazes are you, Martin! I told you not to play golf this afternoon! Doesn't our marriage...
In the previous article, we've completed Level Three and now we continue with Level Four.
Ten Exemplary Levels from Total Anger to Total Tranquility
Level One: Overt Anger and Violent Revenge
Level Two: Silent Anger and Emotional Revenge
Level Three: Incessant Overt Anger, But No Revenge
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Level Four: The Conventionally Polite – Calm in Public, Angry at Home
Recently, I was caught in a traffic jam. I estimated that my trip home would take another hour. A husband and wife whom I had been counseling were scheduled to be at my home in fifteen minutes.
I dialed the couple's home phone number to apologize for my delay and to reschedule our session for a later time. The wife picked up the phone; she was sure that her husband was on the other end of the line.
With no prior verbal amenities, she shrieked, "Where the blazes are you, Martin! I told you not to play golf this afternoon! Doesn't our marriage mean anything to you?"
I didn't let Paula Bergstein[1] continue. "Hello, Mrs. Bergstein. This is Rabbi Lazer Brody speaking."
Silence.
"Are you all right, Mrs. Bergstein?"
"Oh, R-rabbi, I'm so embarrassed. Please forgive me," she said, her tone changing from daggers to milk-and-honey, "I thought it was my husband."
"Don't worry, Mrs. Bergstein, I hear things like that all the time. Anyway, I'm glad you said those things to me and not Martin…"
"If you treat your husband like a king, then you're a queen. If you treat him like a floor mop, then you're a wet rag." — Yiddish folk expression
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Modern society literally teaches a person that Level-four behavior is perfectly acceptable – be a politician away from home, and your real angry self at home.
To balance the above anecdote, I asked Martin Bergstein why he couldn't take the initiative, and address his wife in a warm, loving tone. "Rabbi," he answered, "I can't wear a mask all day long!"
Too bad people prefer a mask to making themselves truly beautiful. If Level Fours would overcome their anger, they wouldn't need the politician's mask with the plastic smile.
Many of us are emotional politicians. Ask yourself if you put your best foot forward outside the house. Think whether you use your family circle to release the pent-up pressures that you've accumulated during the day. Would you allow strangers to abuse your loved ones in such a manner?
Whereas Levels One to Three make no effort to overcome their anger, Level Four "diplomats" do exert effort, only in the wrong areas. Rather than developing their character and spiritual potential, they work on image development – on impressing other people.
Level Fours remind me of silver-plated objects; they shine on the outside, but they're cheap. Real silver sometimes tarnishes, but with a little polishing, always regains its shine. Scratched silver-plated objects are worthless. Wouldn't you rather be like real silver? The human spirit, like real silver, can always be polished.
Level Fours are capable of immediate spiritual gain if they put their mind to it.
Try this brief Level Four self-examination:
1. Do you have more patience for your peers and your superiors than you do for your spouse and/or children?
2. Do you speak more respectfully to your boss than you do to your parents?
3. Are you concerned more about strangers' opinions of you than you are about your family members' opinions of you?
4. Do you find yourself smiling in public and grouchy at home?
The more you answer "yes" to the above questions, the more of a diplomat you are. Don't worry, though; soon, you'll be redirecting your diplomacy efforts in the direction of true spiritual gain. By saving the energy you used to waste on play-acting, you'll be more relaxed and more fulfilled. You'll feel better about yourself and much more tranquil.
If you desire a happy marriage and emotionally healthy children, and you see Level-four tendencies in yourself, then try your hardest to break the chains of Level Four as fast as you can. Moving up to Level Five will cement your marriage, improve your children's future, and make you a lot happier. Climbing another single spiritual rung is tantamount to beginning a new and better life.
As a Level Four, you have the capability of being a wonderful person. You know how to work hard, invest effort, and succeed. Once you decide to move up the spiritual ladder, you'll be just as popular at home as you are at work or with your friends. Once you've tasted around-the-clock tranquility, you won't be satisfied with partial happiness.
The greatest benefit of graduating from Level Four upwards is shedding your variety of masks. Acting differently in different situations drains your emotional energies. It also causes you to pretend, to lie, and to exaggerate. By moving up to Level Five, you begin to act naturally wherever you go. You save emotional energy and begin to acquire inner peace, since you stop forcing yourself to play different roles. Your soul wants to be its own, shining self.
To be continued…
(The Trail to Tranquility is available in the Breslev Store.)
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[1] Names changed to insure privacy and to prevent embarrassment.
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