Chasing After Love

There is a type of person that wants to be liked, wanted, desired, loved and protected. Wait a minute, isn’t this what most people want?  Sure it is. But what about when the person’s desire to be loved, protected, and approved of becomes so necessary that if the person doesn’t get it they flip out?

That’s when we’ve got a “horse of a different color” on our hands.

When a person’s need for love becomes the single most driving force in their personality; when the need to be constantly guided is a “must” instead of a preference; and where the frustration of this need will result in psychological problems or lower the person’s functioning – now we’re talking about a neurotic-level problem.

When in the course of emunatherapy, the compulsive nature of these needs is pointed out to someone, he is likely to assert that all these desires are quite “natural.” And, as I’ve said, they are to some extent natural. It’s safe to assume that everyone wants to feel liked, to belong, and so on. Where this person errs is in claiming that all of his frantic running around for affection and approval is real, while in reality his real wish for love has been buried by his insatiable urge to feel safe. Love and safely are obviously not the same things.

The urge to feel safe is so compelling in this type of person that everything that he does is oriented toward its fulfillment. They develop certain qualities and attitudes that mold their character along these lines such as a wish to please others, to be alert to the needs of others for sympathy, help and so on.  He tries automatically to live up to the expectations of others, often to the extent of losing sight of his own feelings. Safety comes before knowing the truth of his own feelings and values. He persuades himself that he likes everyone, that they are all “nice” and trustworthy, a fallacy which not only makes for heartbreaking disappointments but adds to his general insecurity. He becomes “unselfish,” self-sacrificing, and undemanding –  except for his unbounded desire for affection. For this his implicit demand is: “You must love me, protect me, and never desert me, because I am so weak and helpless.”

A married woman is very sensitive to the needs of her aggressive, controlling husband. She submits to his rage and his domination of her. Consciously she persuades herself that he is a “good” person; unconsciously she isn’t so fussy about whether or not he is a “good” man, what counts most to her is that she perceives him as a “strong” man, someone who will protect her. This compulsive need for protection is indiscriminate. She does not consult her own feelings or judgment but rather gives herself blindly to him. When he becomes upset, she is ready to shoulder the blame regardless of whether she really feels guilty or not. She will accuse herself rather than her husband. She will apologize to him even in the face of his unwarranted criticisms and attacks. She unconsciously clings to the idea that her weakness is an asset, because her husband loves her helplessness and she can lean on his strength. The initiative which she can’t muster for herself flourishes if it means doing things for him, or even doing things for herself because he wants it.

Most of the characteristics of the compliant type have a double motivation. When the truth comes to light there is a force in her that opposes her over-solicitude. She has her own aggressive tendencies which are strongly repressed. She also wishes to parasitically exploit, manipulate, to excel and triumph over her husband.  Her allowing him to take advantage of her was in part her turning away from her own wish to exploit him and take his money. Through him she has worth and prestige. She feels a vindictive triumph over her sisters when they see how well-dressed her children are. 

Why must she keep her own feelings of aggression and desire for self-assertion a secret from herself? Because it would “endanger” her need to “like” her husband and living out her fantasy of being a celebrity. If any self-assertive tendencies would surface in her, she would condemn herself and her husband would condemn them too. She cannot afford to risk her husband’s condemnation because her spurious sense of self-esteem is all too dependent upon her basking in his success and gaining his approval. She must give predominance to the compliant trend in her personality by submerging all other discrepant elements of herself. This is one of the major attempts that the evil inclination uses to “solve” neurotic conflicts.

The search for Hashem’s Truth is an arduous process, but for those brave souls who set out to uncover the hidden neurotic forces within themselves there are great rewards. Following her willingness to get in touch with and freely speak about her own dark-side wishes toward her husband, she found a treasure that was worth all of the hardship that she went through. She found her G-d given ability to respect herself and to assert herself. Once her mind was more clear from neurotic conflicts, she was able to exercise her choice to believe that Hashem had orchestrated all of this and that He could take her further.

She began to understand what real love was and saw that this was conspicuously absent in her relationship with her husband. Freed from the spiritual impurities of depression, apathy, and a wish to retaliate, she stopped her overly solicitous behavior towards her husband and expressed her desire that he go for help. When he refused, she continued to express how strongly she felt about the issue. When he still refused, she told him that she had no desire to embarrass him, but if he did not start working on himself she would speak to his Rabbi. He still refused and she was true to her word. When the Rabbi heard the details of what was going on. He said that he must go for therapy. He went and began learning more about his need to control and dominate his wife; he discovered that he could feel more valued and honored by her when he didn’t have to force it out of her.

The evil inclination discourages people from speaking about their dark side. He would like us to make believe that “everything is OK” and to go in the path of least resistance. For us this “advice” amounts to shoving anything unpleasant about ourselves under the rug until the pile under the rug is so high that we’re bound to trip over it.

The good inclination wants us to confront our resistances to dealing with our dark-side and face the primordial snake that has entered into our thinking. By searching for the truth, we always find Hashem and then His light illuminates removes the darkness that has surrounded our souls.