Healthy and Normal

Friend A was sitting on her couch, minding her own business, when Friend B came to visit. After a while the conversation turned to Friend B's 'not religious' parents in-law, who believe that Iphones and Ipads and computers in every room are de rigeur. They had very kindly spent an awful lot of money splashing out on new Iphones for their grandchildren – Friend B's oldest kids – without asking Friend B if she was happy to have these new additions to her life.
 
Really, Friend B wasn't very happy about it; she could see that her older kids were already spending far too much time on their computers, and the thought of adding to the problem was not making her jump up and down with glee.
 
But what could she do???? "It's coming from a good place," she explained to Friend A. "They want to give their grandkids a 'big' present, and I can't throw their kindness back in their face."
 
Friend A wanted to know why not. "Do you think it's good for kids to be hardwired into the internet 24/7?"
 
"No, of course not."
 
"So why can't you talk to your in-laws, and respectfully explain to them that 'kind' as it is, it's really not something that's appropriate for your kids, or your lifestyle?"
 
Friend B got very defensive. "Oh, I couldn't do that! They'd be very upset with me, and they probably wouldn't talk to my husband for weeks, which would be really hard for him…"
 
As the conversation continued, it became obvious that this wasn't the first time that Friend B had her wishes trampled by her extended family. There was the time when she got arm-wrestled into spending a week of 'family time' in a posh hotel, with every type of bikini known to man lounging around the pool (which was really, really hard for her husband and teenage sons.)
 
Then, there was the time they'd been 'obliged' to attend a family celebration where they'd been promised in advance that the food would be up to standard. It wasn't. "But it's vegetarian," her mother-in-law had assured her, sending her the very clear message that Friend B's notions of what was OK to eat (or not…) simply didn't matter.
 
Friend A wanted to know why Friend B kept falling back into the same 'difficult' situations with her extended family. "Why can't you just tell them that these things aren't good for you and your family, and that you don't want to do them? She wanted to know.
 
"Oh, that would be terrible. They would feel like we were judging them!" Friend B replied. After all, her irreligious in-laws just didn't know any better. It's not like they were doing it on purpose, or anything. And it would just cause a lot of 'unpleasantness' for no good reason, because nothing would change, even if they did voice their issues.
 
Friend A let it drop. From her own experience, she'd already learned that when anyone – a parent, a friend, a neighbour, or even a spouse – is trying to control you by way of guilt, obligation or fear of retaliation, it's completely twisted and warped, and the very opposite of healthy love.
 
When people love each other in a healthy way, they respect differences. They don't make you go to things that aren't good for you just to keep them happy; they don't buy your kids presents that are on your banned list, and they don't keep you in line with overt or covert bully-boy tactics, like implying that you are 'an extremist' or a 'religious fanatic', or giving you the cold shoulder for months, if you don't do what they want you to do.
 
But Friend B simply couldn’t hear that yet. She wasn't in a place where she really grasped that free choice – the whole reason that G-d created the world, and us humans in particular – also applied in family settings.
 
'Normal and healthy' are so rare today, that they are truly abnormal. When people are normal and emotionally healthy, and when they really believe in G-d, they act in a completely different way from how most of us would expect.
 
They don't hold grudges; they don't try and take revenge; they don't manipulate you, or guilt you, or try to control you. They accept differences – even if they don't always agree with them – and most of all, they love you unconditionally. Even if you don't show up to their immodest event; even if you don't want to go on holiday with them; or forget to send them a birthday card.
 
Even, if you ask them to take the Ipads back to the shop, because they're just not appropriate for you or your family.
 
All these things are no big deal to normal and healthy people, because they truly want to make you happy, and if it's not making you happy, then of course they want to do something about that!
 
But Friend B couldn't see that yet; she couldn't hear that yet, she couldn't process it yet. So Friend A kept her mouth shut, smiled her funny smile and politely changed the subject.
 
 
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Check out Rivka Levy's new book The Happy Workshop based on the teachings of Rabbi Shalom Arush