How to Find a “Real” Rabbi

We know that we need to have a rabbi, or spiritual guide, who is trustworthy and authentic. We know that there are a lot of 'fake rabbis' out there, who are only doing it for their own prestige and honour, and not to bring people closer to G-d. So how do we find a rabbi who is the real deal?
 
Firstly, Rebbe Nachman and Rav Shalom Arush tells us that we have to pray a lot, to be worthy of finding a sincere spiritual guide. So that's the first thing – ask G-d to send us the real deal, and to help us see who's faking it.
 
Next, let's go back to Ethics of our Fathers 6:1, where Rabbi Meir describes what a 'real' holy person looks like:
 
"Rabbi Meir said: He who occupies himself with the Torah for its own sake merits many things….He is called friend, beloved a lover of G-d, a lover of humanity, who gladdens the Omnipresent One, who gladdens humanity.
 
"[Torah] clothes him in humility and reverence, and enables him to become a righteous, pious, upright and trustworthy person. It distances him from sin and draws him near to virtue.
 
"Others enjoy his good counsel and sound knowledge, understanding and power…It gives him sovereignty and leadership and discernment in judgment…He becomes self-effacing, patient and forgiving of insults."
 
If someone doesn't have all these accomplishments, the chances are very good they are not the real deal.
 
Next, we can pick up another clue, from Rav Nachman, on page 11 of Advice (the English translation of Likutey Etzot): "The gates of holiness are opened through emuna."
 
In other words, if someone doesn't have emuna, they aren't holy, no matter how much torah they know or how pious they act. Let's sum up everything we've learned together, to create some practical guidelines for finding a rav you can trust.
 
Practical guidelines for finding a rav you can trust:
 
1. They live their emuna. They talk to Hashem a lot, and they talk about Hashem a lot.
 
2. They change and grow over time – they aren't the same person they were ten years' ago.
 
3. They aren't arrogant – Hashem cannot be in the same world as an arrogant person, so for sure an arrogant 'rabbi' can't have any siyatta dishmaya (Heavenly help) in anything they tell you. If your rabbi is humble, and admits their faults, and doesn't pretend to have solved all their own problems, that's a very good sign that they're genuine.
 
4. They themselves have a rabbi, who in turn has a rabbi, who in turn has a rabbi, all the way back to someone 'big'. Ask the rabbi who their rav is – who do they turn to, when they aren't sure what path to take or what advice to give? If they can't answer you, look elsewhere.  Even the biggest 'real' rabbis regularly consult with their peers.
 
5. Their advice has to actually help, and not just 'sound nice'. (A personal example: my experience of following Rav Arush's advice is that it really works. Following his advice has helped my marriage, improved my relationship with my kids tremendously, and helped me to work on and fix a whole bunch of ingrained character flaws that nothing else ever got close to.)
 
6. They put themselves out for other people in a very modest, humble way that's never openly advertised.
 
7. They started learning torah for its own sake (lishma), and not just because they wanted to acquire rabbinic ordination (shelo lishma). In Strive for Truth! Volume I, Rav Dessler writes the following: '…if we start off without a glimmer of lishma, desiring only the shelo lishma for its own sake, how can our shelo lishma actions ever lead us to lishma? In the spiritual life, one arrives only at the destination one intended in the first place.'
 
8. They have clarity – and the confidence to give it to you straight, because: a) they are interested in what is right, and what G-d wants, and not in what you think of them; and
b) they have a solid connection to G-d, which helps them to see issues – and the solutions to them – very clearly.
 
9. They are exacting in their own religious observance. They do their level best to practise what they preach, and don't make excuses for themselves when they (inevitably…) fail or fall (because we are all still just flawed human beings.)
 
10. Their torah, their words, changes you. Words that come from the heart, enter the heart. It's not just an intellectual exercise, or 'interesting' chit chat, it's communication on a fundamental soul level.
 
11. Look at their disciples – False leaders have a massive vested interest in appearing 'good' in public, but the mask drops with their followers. If most of their followers aren't very nice, or aren't improving over time, it's a good sign that you should look elsewhere.
 
12. Look at their interpersonal interactions with people they don't consider 'important' (like their wife and kids.) From my own experiences, I once saw a very 'important' Rabbi striding ahead of his heavily pregnant wife, who was shlepping a very heavy valise to his speaking engagement, while he strode ahead of her empty-handed. Pay attention to these small signs! They really can show you the inner dimension of the otherwise convincingly pious people we meet.
 
 
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You're welcome to write Rivka Levy at rivkawritesback@gmail.com