Injured Pride

So now let’s "roll up our sleeves" and get to work!!

 

And the very first rule is to study a book on a regular basis, in any language that you are comfortable with, on anger and its terrible consequences. I’d suggest you try The Trail to Tranquility by Rabbi Lazer Brody. When you learn on a constant basis how demeaning anger is to a person, how it reduces him to the level of an animal that is deprived of all intelligence, you will think twice before you allow yourself to get angry.

 

One must learn constantly until it becomes absorbed internally, about five to ten minutes daily in the beginning. It’s very helpful if you study aloud because it penetrates more deeply that way; just reading silently will take much longer to absorb.

 

I have found that learning something on a constant basis heightens one’s awareness even before it’s fully absorbed; such awareness will make you hesitate slightly before allowing yourself to get angry.

 

In the next part of this article we’ll be looking at ways of controlling anger. In order to make it easier we’ve divided it into points and under each point we will discuss the various methods relevant to that point.

 

You can try all of them, or only those which feel relevant and meaningful to you; or you can "mix and match" combining a few points until you find the right combination for your circumstances. Once you’ve decided what’s suitable for you should review it on a regular basis.

 

Eventually it will lead you to a calm frame of mind where you’ll be able to stop yourself from being controlled by the people and circumstances surrounding you, because without you even being aware of it you are being manipulated by those around you. It’s time to stop and take control of your life!

 

The points we will be looking at are:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I must point out one thing before we begin: DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF. In order to succeed you must be very honest with yourself because only in this way will you truly be able to help yourself.

 

 

 

One of the first things we need to understand is that each person has an inner pride and dignity. Everyone’s personality is rooted in self-respect and his pride and dignity are so much part of him, and important to him, that he will not compromise it even at the cost of physical discomfort.

 

An example of this is that certain people will not eat with their fingers, even if everyone else is doing so if they feel it’s below their dignity, nor will they wear clothes which they feel doesn’t befit them; and even if they’re hungry they will not ask for another helping of food if they feel it will demean them.

 

In any situation of confrontation a person will instinctively seek to protect his dignity and pride. And if they feel that their dignity is compromised or attacked they are very offended and hurt.

Let’s look at some of the situations which can lead you to feel this way:

 

* Someone kept you waiting and this makes you feel that the other person doesn’t consider you important enough to be on time. Perhaps the person was genuinely delayed, but your perception has allowed you to become upset.

 

* Or perhaps when you phoned someone they didn’t answer the phone at a time when you were sure they were available. Perhaps they were out for lunch or having a conference with someone else. And even if the phone was busy just a moment before it could easily have been another caller trying the same number.

 

* You made an appointment with someone and the appointment wasn’t kept

 

* You might have received poor service in an office or shop

 

* Someone spoke to you disrespectfully

 

* You were disparaged and made to feel a fool

 

 

It might also be difficult for you to control your anger because:

 

* Of your basic nature

* You had angry role models

* You are in a difficult situation

* You have to interact regularly with someone who constantly provokes you

 

* Sometimes people are angry or disappointed with themselves but project that anger onto another person because that person triggered their sense of failure by pointing out a mistake or fault of theirs.

* Very often people become upset because they project a particular incident beyond its present context.

For instance, If a child disobeys a parent the parent’s automatic thought might be "if he disobeys me with little things, what will happen when he’s older; he will certainly not listen to his parents then and will grow up as a wild and rebellious child and will embarrass me" (and we’re talking about all this taking place in the blink of an eyelid). Most of the anger the parent feels has nothing to do with the present minor incident, but is a result of their fantasies of the future.

If you are aware that certain incidents trigger such a chain reaction in you, you can learn to control yourself and pull back from your fantasies.

 

* If you find yourself over-reacting to an incident in the present perhaps you’re "reminded" of similar incidents in the past which upset you. If you’re aware of how the past can generate anger in the present it will help you calm down; you can then put the present incident into perspective.

 

People very often get annoyed over even small amounts of money if they feel they’re being taken advantage of. Naturally they will not admit this and will say that it’s not the money that they’re upset about, but the principle involved.