Nowhere to Run

I’m at my wits’ end. I know I’ve said this before, but this time I really mean it. I’m about to lose my mind. Usually, I would use these terms in reference to my kids- but today, I’m using it in reference to myself.
 
I’m going crazy.
 
Well, not me, really- just my body. What difference does it make? The bottom line is still the same: I want to run away from myself.
 
Over the past several weeks, I’ve felt like my stomach was going to cave in on itself. My heart is constantly racing, and I feel like I’m going to pass out from hunger, even though I’m eating as much as I can.
 
I can’t sleep; I can’t sit up; I can’t do anything. Even doing the dishes is just too much for my broken system.
 
I just can’t function.
 
I’ve gone to the doctor, who insists nothing is wrong. I’ve gone to a natural healer for energy healing and acupuncture, which started working great- in the beginning. Then, things regressed all the way back to square one. And to think, I was almost semi-normal again.
 
Today I received a few messages and insights, and I hope it gives spiritual strength to those who need it.
 
First: Hashem doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. Easier said than done. Try telling that to someone who feels like they’re physically in the pit of Hell. But what other choice is there? If I choose not to believe this, then what possible hope do I have of weathering this crisis? However, if I choose to work on strengthening and internalizing this belief, then this can be my lifeline through the times when I feel that I just want to die.
 
Second: Everything Hashem does is for our best. I sound like a broken record, I know. If I choose to believe this, then I have a shot at learning and growing from this excruciating time. I have a chance at seeing Divine Providence in action, and ultimately gaining a closer connection with G-d. If I choose to believe that this is a bunch of nonsense and everything is random, what type of life will I have? Ultimately, I will turn into an embittered victim of circumstance, seeing no justice in the world. What kind of life is that? Not one worth living, in my opinion.
 
Third: Sometimes Hashem backs us into a corner. This is key, because this understanding can be my lifeline when I see all of my other potential options falling away. What do I mean? Let me explain: sometimes we are left with no other choice than to cry out to G-d for help. This is specifically so we can see our personal salvation with our own eyes, and thus continue to work on developing the close connection with our Heavenly Father. If I choose to believe this, then I gain spiritual strength and support when I need it most. If I choose to believe otherwise, then I am doomed to be an orphan for the rest of my life. Who will support me when I need it? I will be all alone in this overwhelming, unfair-looking world.
 
So Hashem has backed me into a corner. He’s given me nowhere to run to. I’m stuck, and I can only turn to Him for help. It really, really hurts. It feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me, and I’m holding on to a rope that’s attached to a rescue helicopter. Hashem is yelling at me just to hold on- it will pass. It will be okay. I will be carried to safety. But as I’m trying desperately to hold on, I’m crying; I’m practically convulsing from the physical and emotional pain I’m going through.
 
I’m so tired, and I want to let go…
 
But I can’t. I can’t give up. I can’t let my family down. I can’t let myself down. And I certainly can’t let Hashem down. He gave me this challenge, and He knows I can get through it. I’m strong, and not because I want to be. I’m strong because I have to be.
 
If you’re going through something that is pushing you to the very limits of your sanity, I feel for you. I’m with you in your pain. I’m thinking of you, and I know you can get through it. And it’s not just me- your entire family at Breslev Israel loves and cares about you. We know you can face these most difficult times that you’re going through, and we are all praying for you.
 
Stay strong, dear friends- remember, you’re stronger than you think.