Perfectionism

In the last couple of weeks, the character defect Hashem has been helping me with the most is my perfectionism. It is amazing to me how since He made me aware of this defect of character, I have come to see how it’s permeated every area of my life. The Evil Inclination has a field day with my desires to be perfect.

The first clues were getting into verbal fights for two days in a row with two different people. The two arguments were similar in that both times I could not accept the other person having a different opinion than me. I kept trying to convince them of my side and to see things my way. In both incidents, I had a slight out-of-body experience in that part of me took a step back and was aware that if I continued trying to press my way, things were going to get heated. And in both incidences, I couldn’t back away.

In another argument, a friend exploded at me telling me that he used to avoid debates with me in college because I constantly interrupted him and wouldn’t let him speak, since I was obsessed with convincing him of my point. It took a little soul searching, talking to my sister, and talking to Hashem for me to realize my problem. I felt that a person not agreeing with my opinion was a negative reflection of my opinion. If everyone did not agree with what I thought, then maybe I wasn’t right. Or maybe it wasn’t the Truth. If some of the things that I think are not right or not the Truth, then maybe I’m not perfect.

Once I was clued in to my perfectionism, I was then able to accept it about myself. I know I’m not perfect but something in me, the Yetzer, will try to convince me that I am. When I get into discussions now and see that the other person doesn’t agree with my point of view, I don’t fight about it. I acknowledge that part of me wants the other person to agree with me but that it’s OK that he doesn’t. I’m not perfect and therefore it’s okay that he doesn’t agree with me.

But my battle with the Yetzer and perfectionism didn’t end there. I’ve heard Rabbi Lazer Brody quote Rav Shalom Arush plenty of times about how this generation persecutes itself. But I didn’t realize my perfectionism was making me persecute myself even during personal prayer! The Yetzer has been attacking me with worries and anxiety. I kept trying to talk to Hashem about them but I always left the conversation with Him feeling miserable and disconnected.

Earlier this week, I read one of Racheli Reckles’ recent articles on Breslev Israel, Imitation Emuna, about the proper way a man should react to walking away from a car crash, and something clicked. The reality is that Hashem has diminished my income recently. The reality is our expenses our outpacing our earnings. Any normal human being is going to be confronted with worries and fears. That is what the Yetzer likes to do to us! But I was beating myself up for having these normal feelings in the first place! I would berate myself for not having Emuna and Bitachon. No wonder I couldn’t talk to Hashem properly. I was being my own top prosecutor. So I started looking at my situation like the car crash in Racheli’s article.

What was I doing with the worry and fears? Was I going back to old bad habits? Was I giving up davening and learning out of bitterness? Was I stopping the other daily parts of my spiritual program? NO! So I started thanking Hashem. Thank You, Hashem, that even with the worries and fears, I’m trying to talk to You about them. Thank You, Hashem, that even with the worries and fears, I’m still giving charity and learning when I’m free. Thank You, Hashem, that even with the worries and fears, I’m still trying to hold on to my Emuna and smile at my wife and kids.

Wouldn’t you know it? As soon as I started thanking Him for all that, guess what He did? He reminded me that my worries and fears were all smoke and mirror Yetzer Hara. Hashem is the One who determines my income. Hashem is the one who manages my finances, not me! I don’t have any business thinking about them! My job is to focus on today. What He would have me do for today. Let Him worry about tomorrow and the day after. And just like that, the worries and fears have left again.

This whole Yetzer Hara challenge came about because of my desire to be perfect. In Emuna, in Bitachon, in life. I just have to keep remembering that I’m not perfect and that’s okay. I’m a human being, not an angel.

On a side note, in discussions I’ve had with people lately, I’ve seen how many people have been successful in their respective fields because of their main character defects. A friend of mine who hates conflict for himself but loves fighting for others is a lawyer. A self-proclaimed know-it-all is a fantastic internist. And as a personal trainer, my clients love my attention to detail and demand for their perfect form so their chances of getting hurt are slim to none. Thank You Hashem for putting all of us in fields which enable us to utilize even our character defects for the good of others.

May Hashem help all of us continue to build our spiritual awareness and improve ourselves until it’s enough to bring Mashiach speedily in our days, Amen!