Reaction and Re-action

Sometimes my mind wanders into the past…recently, I suddenly found myself sitting again in my high school Physics class, trying desperately not to fall asleep (or was that happening now?). Between the sub-zero temperatures in that classroom and the monotone, droning voice of Dr. Boring, it was pretty hard to stay awake. The mind is an amazing thing, though. I can remember things that I didn’t even know I was learning. To be more specific, Newton’s Third Law of Motion popped into my head as I was in the middle of my daydream. Seriously, I’m really not (that) nerdy. I was thinking about my kids, and really trying to get to the nucleus, the starting point that ignites the inevitable explosion (me), and the resulting catastrophe that follows. All of a sudden, the light bulb went off! (Or was it on?)  I had discovered the answer I was desperately searching for! Now if only the answer came with a Nobel Prize…
 
Let me backtrack for a moment. In order to understand what in the world I’m talking about, let’s review Newton’s famous law. Please try your best to suppress your yawns. The law states, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” What does this have to do with my kids? Well, let’s think about it. Here’s the scenario: my kids don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I try being Mr. Nice Guy, “Angels, it’s late…We have to get up now.” As I try to make my voice as sing-songy as possible, sounding like the sunshine just stepped into the room, I stroke their heads and give them a gentle nudge. Nothing. No response. A few minutes later, “Come on, guys, it’s really late. We missed the bus already. I know you’re tired, but you have to get up.” A bit more sternness in my voice. I try to pull the covers off one of them. (Didn’t you hate when your parents did that to you?!) Sleepy groans and protests as the covers manage to resist my tugging. A few minutes later: “Didn’t you hear me?! I said, ‘WAKE UP’!!” Now Mr. Nice Guy has left the building. It’s a full-on tug-of-war as I’m trying to pull the covers off of my oldest son while trying to push him out of bed while holding my little newborn in the other hand. The situation is close to melt-down. I’m yelling, pulling, pushing, and getting it all back. My kids start crying, pushing me away, pulling the covers back…they are  a crystal-clear mirror. Whatever I’m doing, my kids are doing right back!
 
For every action… I think in this case, I would do a slight variation on Newton’s Law: “For every reaction, there is an equal and similar reaction.” Does it make sense? Anyone can see this in their lives, not just parents. Every time I’m reactive, I get the same reaction right back from my kids. I see this again and again. If I’m upset with them, yet I do my best to remain calm (which doesn’t happen that often), chances are my kids will not morph into uncontrollable monsters. But, if I’m the one morphing into Osama Big Mama, you can be sure my kids are going to follow my example. At that point, the situation is almost irreparable. As a result, either my kids end up crying, or I end up crying. Many times it’s both!
 
So how do I stop the snowball effect? The answer is simple- I don’t let it start. Of course, in theory, this is a simple and practical answer. And when I pray for the patience to count to THREE, I’m hopeful that I will be able to put this answer into practice and avert disaster. But, alas, simple and easy are two different things. Putting theory into practice, as any good scientist will tell you, is full of unseen obstacles, and your experiment is not going to go as smoothly in real life as it does on paper. There will be many failed outcomes, with explosions happening right and left. There will be much flying debris as a result of the explosion, i.e. race cars and blocks which have magically attained the ability to fly 30 feet across the room, aiming for my head. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t get dressed in full body armor in the morning.
 
Take an objective look at your own lives. Each of us has certain triggers that we just can’t seem to resist, no matter how hard we try. What are your triggers? Is it your boss, who doesn’t appreciate your hard work? Is it your spouse, who always has something to complain about? It is your kids, who never seem to behave or respect you? Unlike a physics test, this question certainly has many answers. Sometimes the answer might be “All of the above”. Wow, did I hate those answers. And I still do! But this is how life is. Our challenges and obstacles are multi-faceted. Why?
 
Because we are multi-faceted. We have so many sides and levels of depth to our personalities, and trying to come up with only one answer is doing ourselves a disservice. It’s no wonder why our souls are compared to diamonds. Diamonds are also multi-faceted, and the more facets they have, the more brilliantly they sparkle. The same goes for our souls. We are complicated. We are deep. We have sides to us, both good and bad, that we are not even aware of. We have potentials so much greater than we realize.
 
One of the greatest teachings I have learned from Rav Arush and Rav Brody is that Hashem doesn’t give us challenges that we can’t handle. Yes, we might reach our breaking point time and again. But this is actually a blessing. When we realize we are not successful in overcoming that reactive part of ourselves, whether it’s yelling, giving someone the cold shoulder, or developing a crutch or addiction to something, we become humbled. When we are humble, we can ask for help. If we are still full of pride, we function under the illusion that we alone can fix our flaws, and we don’t need help from anyone. This is the most dangerous place to be. Hashem is a loving and merciful Father- if we don’t become humbled by our challenges, He will send us the challenges in a different form, and in stronger doses, until we get the message that we have to correct our less than shining character traits, and we can’t be successful without His help.
 
How can we overcome the reaction/reaction cycle? There is only one way- we must ask, beg, and plead with Hashem to help us. Rabbi Brody explains in his wonderful book, “The Trail to Tranquility”, that our reactive behavior, particularly our anger, comes from the Evil Inclination. He is a Dark Angel, and much more powerful than we are. To me, we’re like ants fighting against an elephant, and we’re expecting to win the battle! If we ask Hashem to assist us in our seemingly hopeless fight, we might stay the size of an ant, but we will develop supernatural powers. With Hashem on our side, we will win! We can overcome our reactive behavior, no matter how low we’ve fallen. If you’re fed up with being caught in the same perpetual pattern of reactivity, I highly recommend you listen to Rabbi Brody’s CD’s, “Uprooting Anger” and “Guide to Self-Composure”. Remember Rebbe Nachman’s famous words when you don’t think you can change: “Gevalt! NEVER GIVE UP!”