The Diet Crisis

Over the years, my husband has tried many, many diets. All in all, he drove me crazy with his particular and complicated demands. I hated all of his diets, as they were a terrible inconvenience and especially since I never noticed when he supposedly lost weight. Sometimes I was convinced that he was dieting just to upset me, and not to actually get in shape. As a result, any time he embarked on a new way to annoy me while losing weight at the same time, I protested and unilaterally condemned his weight-loss efforts…
 
So after years of putting up with his “I can't eat anything you make and I don't like vegetables” diets, he finally woke up and realized that the only way to lose weight is to eat his silly vegetables. But since he doesn't like to eat them, he decided to drink them. Great. Now I spend 30-40 minutes each morning making him juice from every vegetable I can get my hands on. I think at this point he's actually turning into a vegetable. Well, at least I get to participate in his first real attempt at healthy eating.
 
I tend to be a bit of an extremist, which I fully place the blame on my husband. Wait, I have a rational explanation for this! Since I agreed to take on half of his soul correction as his righteous, long-suffering, selfless, amazing wife, then by default I have also taken on his quirky character traits; extremism being one of them. I guess it's like a rider that some self-serving Senator sneaks into a 1500 page bill. Of course, my husband will tell you that he's the balanced one and I'm extremist because it's just who I am. Don't listen to his nonsense.
 
On the first day of our juicing extravaganza, I subconsciously decided that I was going to quit eating in the mornings and drinking my usual cup of coffee. Well, that worked out until about 3:00, when the agonizing pounding started in my head, and it got to the point where I couldn't function. I called my husband crying, begging him to come home because I couldn't take care of the kids. Slightly annoyed, he gets home and asks me if I ate anything yet. Oops. I honestly forgot! Did I have my usual cup of coffee? I didn't even answer him.
 
Within a few minutes of eating and drinking (and taking Tylenol), my headache started to wear off. The next day I jumped back in to my latest sport, “extreme juicing.” The goal- to see how many weird combinations of vegetables and flaxseed oil I can come up with while keeping it drinkable. So far, not bad- if I do say so myself.
 
Everything was going great for the first few days. I started out the morning with some water and coffee, and then made juice after the kids went to school. By the time I finished, it was almost lunch time, but whatever.
 
And suddenly, it hit. My body started to go crazy. I started getting aches and pains. My mouth started breaking out in horrible, painful sores. My skin started breaking out. Oh boy- I had unwittingly set in a healing crisis. All of the dormant invaders that were leaching on my various organs and  body systems began to slowly wake up from their deep slumber. The toxins, parasites, bacteria, etc. were beginning to loosen their death grip from my insides- and they weren't happy about it.
 
And to be honest, neither was I. At that point, I would have preferred to be left alone with my parasites and just feel normal again. I mean, was being healthy really worth all of that suffering? What's wrong with a dormant virus sabotaging my nervous system? It's not like I noticed it before!
 
So I limited myself to one juice a day, because I just couldn't handle being too healthy.
 
It seems that we will all have to undergo a spiritual healing crisis when Moshiach comes. If we've been working on our spiritual health on a daily basis, then hopefully the healing crisis won't be so bad. But if we've neglected to take care of our souls, then I fear it will be a very painful and difficult process.
 
God wants us to be healthy, spiritually and physically. The problem is that we focus so much on the “physically” that we forget the “spiritually.” Don't worry, dear readers! There is a solution!
 
Just like in a crash diet, you can achieve maximum results in minimum time! If you're serious about improving your spiritual health, join Rebbe Nachman's “Six Hours to a Perfect Soul” program! In just six hours, you can jump start your soul with an invigorating personal prayer session at the outdoor location of your choice! For those who are less adventurous, you can do the “One Hour a Day” program, which guarantees results within just one month! Contact staff@breslev.co.il for more info! And the best part is- it won't cost you a penny!
 
Seriously- I should have gone into advertising…