The Love Triangle

I can't believe it. He did it again, for the fifth time in a row. I just can't, for the life of me, figure out how he does it, and it's driving me crazy! That husband of mine… he turned my boyfriend against me!

Now, if I'm on the couch, cuddling with my boyfriend, my husband just walks by, smiles at him, and before I know it, my love is reaching his arms out so my husband can rescue him from me. What kind of gratitude is this? Doesn't he appreciate all of my incessant, annoyingly loud and wet kisses? Is he really that tired of hearing me tell him how I'm so madly in love with him?

It just can't be. In order to preserve my sense of worth in this family, I've developed an alternate theory: in the middle of the night, my husband walks in to my sweet little angel's room, lowers his head near the baby's head, and whispers all kinds of self-serving messages that go right into my unsuspecting love's subconscious. I think the messages go something like, “Abba's number onnneee…. You love Abba the moooossst…. Abba's your faaaavorite…”

About two months ago, my love story started to fall apart as a new, unwelcome character entered the romance- my husband. Before, it was just me and my little boyfriend, who didn't yet learn how to put up his dukes to protect himself from the constant barrage of kisses to the face. I took full advantage of his defenselessness. But, now, it's another story.

Now, there are two general ways my angel's lack of good judgment plays out. Way One: I am the one holding him first, and when he sees my husband he practically lunges out of my arms and into his- even though my husband might be ten feet away at that moment. Way Two: my husband is the first one to take him out of his crib in the morning, and when he sees me, I put out my arms to take him, and he just shoos my hand away!

Now, my Hollywood romance has turned into a love triangle. I love my boyfriend, my boyfriend loves my husband, and my husband loves me. Maybe it's still a Hollywood romance after all.

I pretend to be heartbroken, and I let my husband think that I am so very sad that the baby doesn't want me. In reality, I'm secretly planning a 'round-the-world cruise for one, and I've been funneling money into a secret off-shore account in Zurich. By the time I'm 80, there should be enough money in that account for my dream cruise. At that point, I'll say, “Sayonara!” to my husband as I hobble off into the sunset with my cane and my Margarita.

In the meantime, I tell my sweet love, “I know you don't want me, but I still love you!” I know he's not paying attention to what I'm saying because: one- he can't understand me yet (he's only one year old,) two- he doesn't care what I have to say, and three- he's too distracted by my husband's funny faces and terrible singing voice. Terrible.

It's an accepted fact that our kids will never know how much we love them. It's also true that they will never love us as much as we love them. That's okay, because that's the natural dynamic of parent/child love.

It's the same relationship between us and our Heavenly Father. He loves us so much- much more than we can begin to imagine. But, we're like babies who have no clue how much their parents love them. Of course He doesn't expect us to love Him as much as He loves us, but at the very least we can work on loving Him at all.

This is where many of us are stuck in a spiritual love triangle. Hashem loves us, but we love other things. Hashem tells us, “My child, I know you don't want Me, but I still love you!”

Hashem wants us to spend time speaking with Him in prayer. But we're too busy planning our next vacation and doing our best to pretend like He doesn't exist. Hashem wants us to bind our souls with Him through the tool of mitzvot. But we're too busy going shopping for things that we don't need. Hashem wants us to sharpen our minds by learning deep and meaningful teachings from our Sages. But we're too busy killing precious brain cells by watching youtube and reading trash about famous people whose lives are completely empty and meaningless.

Yet He still loves us, and every once in a while has to give us a reminder that the things we love and chase after won't bring us lasting happiness. When we get these reminders, such as an illness or loss of money, we may look Heavenward with annoyance at having had our lives of ignorance interrupted with harsh doses of reality. So we blame our Father for trying to push us onto the right path.

When are we going to end this twisted love triangle? Why do we keep refusing to love Hashem, or at least to acknowledge that He loves us? Why do we keep resisting all of His attempts to bring us closer to Him? Why haven't we all come home to the place that He has prepared especially for us?

Isn't it time we stopped loving pointless things over The One Who created us? What happiness can we receive from wasting time on Facebook or watching brain-numbing TV, aside from the temporary escape from our lives that we so desperately crave?

Isn't it time we stopped trying to run from our selves, and started trying to figure out why we're here and what our purpose is? When will we start to take a good look at who we are, and discover what we need to fix and what strengths we have?

I think that many of us are in a love triangle simply because we're not ready to look at our lives without our Prada sunglasses that make everything look glamorous. It's hard to be honest with ourselves and admit that we have an awful lot to fix. It's hard to admit that we're lost and we don't have the faintest idea of what we're doing with our lives. It's especially hard to come to terms with the realization that we have no idea Who created us and why.

Rebbe Nachman gives us a wonderful guarantee: no matter what we do, Hashem loves us. It's our job to internalize that. How do we start? First, listen to Rabbi Shalom Arush's internationally acclaimed CD, Hashem Loves Me, narrated and translated in English by Rabbi Lazer Brody. Then, read, re-read, and re-read again The Garden of Emuna. Every question you have about G-d and life is answered in this book. Third, start upping your observance. Find yourself a rabbi that will guide you throughout your spiritual growth process. Finally, when you're ready, share what you've discovered with others! Don't hog all that spiritual growth and awareness to yourself!

Hashem is waiting with open arms. Don't you want that happily-ever-after ending? Then run with me into the sunset, but not towards the Norwalk Virus-infested cruise ship. Run with me towards a life of joy and meaning. Trust me- this happiness won't end with a hangover!

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Feel free to send Racheli your questions, particularly in the areas of marriage, dating, child-rearing and women's role; write her at racheli@breslev.co.il