To Perform and Fulfill

Before the Shema prayer in the morning we say: “ Our Father, father Who is Merciful [and] Who acts mercifully, have mercy upon us, and instill in our hearts understanding, to understand and to comprehend, to listen, to learn, to teach, to observe, to perform, and to fulfill all the words of the teaching of Your Torah with love…”
 
Obviously the crucial step both in therapy and in life is the implementation phase of “to perform and to fulfill.” Knowledge that is gained without putting it into action isn’t very helpful, in fact it can be extremely harmful. Our sages warn that anyone whose “wisdom” exceeds his good deeds (taking positive action) his “wisdom” will never endure (Ethics of the Fathers). Moreover, one who does not allow his studies to shape his conduct would do better not to study; for he is bringing life to the world – and subsequently burying alive the eternal word of G-d. (Rashi)
 
Emuna Coaching  is a Torah-based educational method of counseling. The certified emuna coach is trained to utilize relevant teachings from the Torah as they are explained by Rabbi Shalom Arush. Emuna coaches are adept at custom tailoring the Torah’s wisdom and advice to specific challenges that individuals, couples and families are facing. The main point is that emuna coaching is an action-oriented approach.
   
In my recent article entitled “Liars,”I wrote about a courageous woman named “Karen” who found the strength to open up to me about her life-long challenge with chronic pathological lying. Karen had never told anybody about her lying before. In the following excerpt Karen only reached an intellectual understanding of how emuna can help her to stop lying but she didn’t yet have the will to implement that learning until the next session. 
 
Karen: “I had an incident recently with my husband. I bought something and I wasn’t happy with it. The man said he would fix it and personally deliver it to my house which was very far from where he works. He also said that he wanted me to have something else, another item that would look nice in my home. He said the other item cost 200 shekels. I told him okay and he drove the whole distance to deliver these things to me. When I went to pay him the 200 shekels he said: ‘What? 200 shekels? It’s 2000 shekels!’”
 
“I was shocked. Obviously once again I wasn’t paying attention. I had heard him say 200 shekels but then I realized that this wasn’t possible. It was a beautifully engraved piece. It already had all the names of my children in it. It couldn’t be taken back. He traveled so far to deliver it. I had no choice so I gave him the 2000 shekels.”
 
“Then I told Mitchell (her husband) that the money went to pay for my son’s camp. I knew that he wouldn’t check this. I really have to stop doing this, but I’ve been doing it for so long that I don’t know how to stop.”
 
Therapist: “What would have happened if you would have told Mitchell the truth?”
 
Karen: “He would have gone ballistic like he has so many times when I’ve done stupid things like bang up the car twice in one day or something like that. I’d never hear the end of it. How can I start to change this?
 
Therapist: “Do you remember the reason that you wanted this type of therapy in the first place?”
 
Karen: “Yes, because I want to have more emuna. I didn’t want to talk to someone that doesn’t believe in G-d. I read Rabbi Arush’s books and they made sense to me. Intellectually, at least, I know that emuna is the right way to go. Something tells me that if I had more emuna that I wouldn’t have to lie anymore but I don’t know how to get it.”
 
Therapist: “It’s really quite simple…you just start practicing what you’ve learned in the books. You give G-d a chance to show you that He is here and wants to help you with this.”
 
Karen: “Fine, but how do I do that?”
 
Therapist: “You do it by showing G-d your willingness to trust Him by telling the truth and leaving the rest to Him.”
 
Karen: “I want to tell my husband the truth, but I know it’s going to hurt.”
 
Therapist: “How long do you think he’ll carry on about it before he calms down?”
 
Karen: “Oh, I know he’ll eventually get over it. Probably it will only be for a few minutes. He’s read the Garden of Peace, so he’s actually much better than he used to be (laughing).”
 
Therapist: “Just remember that if you do decide to tell him, that whatever pain you go through in the process is not only making amends for this, but it’s helping to fix all of the times that you’ve done this in the past. The suffering is itself the atonement and the tikkun (the spiritual correction) for what you’ve done. Another benefit is once you start being honest with people you will see that you can truly be loved for who you are – but you won’t be able to know that until you take this leap of faith. 
 
Karen: “I really want to do this. I’m not sure I’m quite ready yet, but I’m going to be thinking a lot about it.” 
 
In our next session, which occurred after the above was published,  Karen shared the following:
 
“After our last session I decided that as far as the future is concerned, I would do my best to stop lying; but regarding the past lie that I told my husband that I wouldn’t say anything because it was over with. But then something very strange happened. Usually once my husband asks me about something that I bought, he doesn’t ask me about it again. But this time he forgot and came to me again asking what it was that I spent the 2000 shekels on. I knew this had to be from Hashem and that He was with me like you told me He would be. I braced myself and told him the truth.”
 
Therapist: “How did he react?”
 
Karen: “Of course he went ballistic on me as usual and I started to cry. But this time instead of continuing to yell, for some reason he just stopped and asked me why I was crying. So I told him that I was crying because he was screaming at me and that was why I lied to him in the first place; because I was afraid that he would do this. After that we actually had a very nice talk. I couldn’t believe it. Hashem was truly with me and I think I’m going to be able to start being more myself around my husband.”
 
This was a true story. The names and personal details of those involved were altered in order to protect their privacy. Thanks again to “Karen” for her permission to publish this.