A Search for Sincerity

The last few months, I've been experiencing what I would call a sort of 'spiritual realignment'. For the last seven years, ever since I got to Israel, I've been taking on more and more religious practices. Now, I cover my hair 24/7 and wear long skirts; I talk to G-d for an hour a day; I just bought myself my first official 'parve' knife and chopping board; I'm working on my slander, or evil speech; I'm trying to be much more careful about the standard of kashrut of the things I eat.
 
A lot of these changes have been internal, and that's been only and exclusively great. But some of the changes, particularly the ones that can be easily noticed or commented on by others, haven't always felt so sincere.
 
Let's give a few examples: Now, I don't read any secular literature. I threw away my (very large) collection of books when my youngest daughter almost choked to death when I was in the middle of reading my last (ever…) trashy novel. I knew it was a message from G-d to raise my game, and I took it seriously and responded – but it wasn't a whole-hearted decision. I was acting out of fear, and I forced myself to comply. In my heart of hearts, I've sometimes missed reading great goyish novels, even though I know they compromise my religious clarity and connection to G-d in a very bad way.
 
Ditto, some of the tznius (modesty) stuff. I've always been very active, and my idea of a good time used to be to bike for miles, or go horseback-riding, or playing tennis or swimming at the beach (but NOT sunbathing – I always thought that was a completely pathetic waste of time.)
 
For the last seven years, I've been searching for 'kosher' ways to do those things – like going to the ladies' beach in Ashdod; or biking in very long skirts – but it hasn't worked very well. I realized that the separate beach is only 'separate' in theory: the male lifeguard usually has at least six of his buddies up in the lookout with him, hanging out and ogling the chicks; the man selling the ice cream is still a MAN; the people fixing the sun shades are also MEN. There's no special dispensation, just because it happens to be the separate beach.
 
So I go swimming fully dressed, with my socks on, because really, I can't see any other way to do it without compromising my modesty. But I don't really enjoy it. So I do it a couple of times a year, and I always wonder to myself afterwards: would it be so bad to take my socks off? Would G-d mind that?
 
I don't know. I don't want to risk it. Modesty has brought me so many tangible benefits, that I'm happy to sacrifice for it – mostly. But my secret self hasn't always been so convinced.
 
I was thinking about all this when I was watching a video by Dr. Zev Ballen, where he was describing how often, these 'suppressed' tendencies start to come out in our children.
 
One of my kids reads avidly; she devours books, and can go through a couple of novels a day. I'm trying to steer her away from secular books – but I know she's reading them at the library. I tried 'hard-lining' her last year, and banning all secular books from the house, but it only backfired and I could feel if I pushed her on it, I was going to lose her.
 
We already don't do TV, videos, computer games, Iphones, Ipads or internet, and I guess she felt she needed one area where she was 'normal'. I understood where she was coming from – of course I did; she was just mirroring that part of me that I'd squashed when I chucked all my own secular books out.
 
A few days' ago, we went horseback riding. As always when I try and revisit things I used to do in my 'old life', the doubt that I was doing the right thing kicked in immediately I got on the horse, when my (incredibly long) skirt rode up to my knees. I had leggings underneath, and no skin showing, but I still felt pretty uncomfortable.
 
My girls experienced similar problems, and after five minutes, I had the fundamental clarity that it's impossible for a woman to horseback ride in a really modest way. I half enjoyed my experience, but at the end, I knew that whatever I gained from the external 'fun', I lost heavily on the internal connection to G-d.
 
G-d has infinite patience for me. I'm no longer worrying that I'm going to get a lightning bolt if my skirt is too short, or my neckline too low, so now, I really can choose to serve G-d from love, and not just do things 'automatically' because of fear. But that means that in some ways, I'm struggling more than ever to 'pick' G-d's will over my own, because for the first time ever, it's really a choice. And I don't always choose correctly.
 
G-d knows that. He still loves me. He knows it takes time to integrate all this stuff in a whole-hearted way, and that a forced compliance with religious rules doesn't count for much at all, spiritually. But sometimes, I still feel like a part of me has been left behind somewhere, and is waiting for me to rediscover it, and reintegrate it into the present-day 'me'.
 
That part isn't always so appropriately dressed; sometimes, it's still hanging out at the beach, or playing tennis, or reading a great novel. It's waiting for me to work out where 'she' fits into a sincere Jewish lifestyle, and I don't yet have the answer. But one day, with G-d's help, I will.