Esther

'Esther' believes that she's one of the pillars of the world. She loves dishing out holy advice, and she truly believes that she's beyond reproach. According to Esther, the last time her evil inclination managed to trick was about 17 years ago. Since then – she's soared onwards and upwards, spiritually.
 
Apparently.
 
When I first met her, she was all flattery and compliments, but that disappeared pretty quickly, and in its place came barely-disguised disdain and contempt. (If she hadn't hidden it, at least a little bit, even I would have figured things out much faster.)
 
Because underneath it all, Esther actually doesn't like me very much. So then, the question of question: if Esther doesn't like me, why bother befriending me in the first place? Why go to all that trouble?
 
The answer, is that Esther doesn't really like anyone much, including herself. But she has an image of herself as being a holy 'good' person, surrounded by truth-seekers and other holy 'believers', so she had to find some stooges pronto to fill those roles, to stop her fantasy world from collapsing in on her.
 
Lucky me, I got one of the parts.
 
You see, dear reader, for years and years, I've been one of the most gullible, naïve people in the whole world, and people like Esther can see me coming a mile off. They know that they can treat me horribly, and that I'll just put up with it and blame myself for all the problems plaguing the relationship.
 
They know they can phone me up, bark orders at me, and until very recently, I'd capitulate completely and do whatever they wanted me do, to get away from the terrible attack of guilt, or fear, I'd have to deal with if I didn't jump to attention ASAP.
 
People like Esther have been sucking me dry for years. But thank G-d, as we get closer to Moshiach, and the world of truth, Hashem has been moving more and more of the lies out of the way, and the lies that keep people like Esther going – and people like me stuck in toxic relationships – are starting to explode.
 
So it was that yesterday, I went out for a chat with Esther, thinking I was going to spend some time with a kind, wise, holy, caring friend. Some time later, G-d finally ripped her mask off, and I just sat there in total shock, as the 'kind, wise person' trashed me, mocked me, and then tried to make me feel like rubbish for not being as 'perfect' as they are.
 
Even then, it took a few days for the reality to sink in. My husband had been suspecting Esther was a phoney for years, so he was much calmer about the whole thing. But me? I was blown away. For two days I wondered around like a zombie, trying to work out what had just happened.
 
In the end, I got clarity the only way I know how: a long hitbodedut (personal prayer) session. At the end of that time, I could finally hear in my brain what my soul had been yelling at me all along: "Esther is a selfish, vain, arrogant, critical, angry person, who uses people for their own ends! Stay far, far away from her!"
 
This has happened to me so many times over the last couple of years, that I actually coped pretty well once I knew what was really going on. The hard part is suspecting something is 'off' without knowing what, but when you have clarity that you're dealing with a narcissist, or a sociopath, or a borderliner, or a hysterical drama queen, then it's all downhill from there.
 
So then, we come to the next question: why are so many people today – even frum people, even 'Breslev' people – certifiably crazy? In his amazing new book in English, 'The Garden of Healing', Rav Arush explains it very simply: when people don’t have emuna, they are full of mental illnesses and bad character traits. The more emuna they have, the less lies they tell, the less angry, jealous and judgemental they are, and the less arrogance they evince. You can't have real emuna, and be arrogant. You can't have real humility, and have no patience, compassion or time for other people. These things are mutually-exclusive. (I write that, and I still wonder which side of the divide I'm on…)
 
We live in a world of extremes, and it's only going to polarize more until Moshiach shows up. The choice is simple: with G-d, or without. If a person is with G-d, they'll build their emuna, they'll work on the evil traits and they'll hopefully make it through to the end of the process. If they're without G-d, G-d Himself will make that increasingly obvious, the closer we come to the 'end'.
 
So if you're dealing with someone who jerks you around by your emotions, who scares you, or makes you feel guilty and bad about yourself, take an hour and go talk to your soul about it all. G-d wants us live truth, to see truth, to acknowledge the truth. And the truth is, very few people today are really living their lives with G-d in the picture, and there is very little time left to fix that.
 
Esther exploding was a kindness. I've heard so many stories recently of apparently 'normal' people going inexplicably bonkers that I'm sure G-d is exploding the 'Esthers' in your life, too. If you want to know what's really going on, listen to your soul. If you really try to do that, G-d will broadcast 'reality' across to you loud and clear.
 
 
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You're welcome to visit Rivka Levy's personal website at www.emunaroma.com