Get Out Of The House

This section deals with a circumstance that many of our readers will never have to deal with, God willing. Nevertheless, don’t skip this section, for it contains vital foundations that are critical for overall success in life and for marital success especially. Every couple should learn these foundations. In addition, any person that’s not yet married but is contemplating marriage must learn them as well.

 

A person’s most crucial tests of emuna are in the home. When a person makes no effort to attain emuna, he’s liable to become entangled in extreme complications, as we’re about to see.

 

A growing number of women in this generation have ordered their husbands out of the house, and in many cases, having done so with the assistance of law-enforcement authorities and court orders.

 

Such things don’t happen overnight; weeks, months, and years of quarreling and frustration lead to such an extreme measure. Naturally, if the couple had emuna, they’d never reach this state of conflict; long before, they’d have been praying to Hashem and doing some serious soul-searching in order to correct the core causes of their marital difficulties.

 

A husband must know that although his ejection from his own home may be totally unjustified, from Hashem’s standpoint – it is complete justice.

 

Who really kicked the husband out of the house? Hashem did, and for a reason. If Hashem made such a decree, it’s certainly just and for the husband’s ultimate benefit, even if the he did nothing wrong. And, if the he did do harm to his wife and children, then for their benefit, he shouldn’t remain at home.

 

An ejected husband must immediately implement the three levels of emuna:

First level – This is what Hashem wants. He should believe with complete faith that Hashem is the One that has thrown him out of the house. He should set aside all other petty thoughts, complaints, anger, and blame such as this one’s at fault or that one’s at fault, the mother-in-law stirred things up or the wife’s cousin put crazy ideas in her head – nonsense, Hashem did it! He should also forget about revenge, self-pity, exchanging accusations, and feuding. All these negative feelings and urges are the outcome of a lack of emuna.

 

When a person fails to recognize and accept the principle of Divine providence, he becomes a candidate for guilt, sadness, and depression. He also lashes out at others with complaints and accusations. If he had emuna, he’d bear no malice toward the police, his in-laws, his wife’s girlfriends, or anyone else that played a role in having him removed from his own household; he’d simply say, "This is what Hashem wants!"

 

Second level – Everything is for the best! He should believe with complete faith that Hashem is the One that has thrown him out of the house and for his own good and for the good of his wife and children. Stopping a merry-go-round of domestic strife with devastating long-range effects on the entire family is certainly a beneficial act! As in a faulty machine, once the grinding gears are disengaged, the mechanic can fix the engine. The same holds true in a family; to make peace, the warring parties should be temporarily separated for the purpose of introspection, calming down, and correcting what needs to be corrected.

 

A husband gets thrown out of his own house when he and his wife fail to mend the flaws in their relationship while sharing the same roof. Also, Hashem resorts to this measure when a man fails to heed the divine messages that were clothed in the wife’s complaints, or fails to awaken from his spiritual slumber by not correcting the root cause of the tension and strife that has filled their lives.

 

Hashem ejects a man from his own home as a final measure to save a family from divorce. Ejecting the husband is usually preferable to ejecting the wife, especially when she’s the mother of children, for separating between a mother and children is a harsh measure. The forced separation gives both sides an opportunity for introspection and soul-searching in a calmer environment.

 

Third level – What does Hashem want from me? Now that the husband is alone in a quieter setting, free of the constant stress and tension of rubbing elbows with a hostile wife, he should take stock of himself and of his mistakes. This is a time for prayer and for teshuva, for introspection and for correction. It’s the time to appeal for Hashem’s guidance and mercy in order to achieve a thorough solution to the problem. The wife should contribute her part as well with prayer and teshuva on her own right.

 

When a person makes proper teshuva, He who ejected him from the house – Hashem – is also He who shall take him home.

 

From this section, every person should learn the importance of dealing with problems, no matter how small they may seem to be. The slightest blemish in shalom bayit, marital harmony, should immediately trigger a root treatment. The old adage of "a stitch in time saves nine" is just as true in mending a relationship as it is in mending socks. When a couple activates emuna, they save themselves the grief of further marital conflict.

 

 

Normally, an ejected husband fails to accept his predicament with emuna, for if he would have applied emuna to his life, he wouldn’t have been ejected in the first place. Without emuna, he failed to heed the subtle hints that were sent his way for a long time previously.

 

At first, Hashem sends gentle, subtle messages. When a person fails to understand, react, and arouse himself from his spiritual slumber, then Hashem must resort to stronger, more blatant messages like ejecting a person from his home. If an ejected husband honestly reviews his past, he’ll see how Hashem reprimanded him by way of each one of his wife’s reprimands.

 

When a husband realizes that Hashem speaks to him by way of the wife, then he doesn’t argue with her. On the contrary, he bends an ear in effort to understand the Divine message that is clothed within the wife’s complaints. A husband with emuna never reaches a point that his wife wants him out of the house.

 

The insensitive and unreceptive husband that had always ignored or dismissed his wife’s complaints will also have a hard time accepting the role of an ejected husband with proper faith.

 

 

Sometimes a husband sincerely feels that he’s behaving fine at home, contributing his part to the family and acting responsibly. He therefore can’t fathom why his wife is so peeved with him. One should know – it doesn’t matter what you think of yourself; what your wife thinks of you is what counts! A husband’s task is to please his wife and to keep her happy.

 

Imagine that a mechanic claims to have done a superb repair job on the engine of a customer’s car. He proudly informs the customer of the new parts installed and of the efforts he invested in fixing the engine. The customer pays the bill, gets in the car, turns on the switch, but the car is dead as a doornail! What good is the mechanic’s testimony of new parts and dedicated efforts when the engine doesn’t function? Reality shows that the engine hasn’t been repaired.

 

Sometimes the doctors boast that the operation was a success, yet the patient dies. Who needs that kind of success?

 

A husband shouldn’t blame a wife for her own unhappiness. With Hashem’s Divine providence, a wife’s lack of contentment usually indicates that a husband needs to repair something. If he loses patience with her or upsets her, he’ll only make his own situation worse.

 

 

Without emuna, the ejected husband becomes ensnared in negative emotions. At one extreme, he might blame his wife for all his troubles and thirst for revenge. At the other extreme, he might be suffering from homesickness and a broken heart. All of a sudden, he loves and longs for what he previously took for granted – his wife, his children, and his home. Almost all the time, he feels miserable, shattered, and humiliated. If he would have had emuna, he’d realize the blessing in disguise.

 

Here’s the test – if he really does love his wife and children, he’ll seize the opportunity to repair the relationship. He’ll take stock in himself, and resolve not to hurt her in the future. On the contrary, he’ll commit to respect her, to listen to her, not to criticize her, and to do his utmost to make her happy.

 

A father that truly loves his children does his best to prevent a breakup of the family unit, for a broken home is devastating for a child’s emotional development, confidence, self-image, and future chances of success.

 

 

Usually, in the case of a separation, an entire advisory staff of action-seeking or well-meaning relatives, friends, and acquaintances appear on the scene with all sorts of recommendations. One says, "Divorce her!" and another says, "Don’t give her any more money!" The ejected husband’s mother frequently says, "You’re too good for her – she takes advantage of your good heart," and the like. Nobody on the self-appointed "advisory staff" bears responsibility for their usually terrible advice, which further complicates the predicament and deepens the chasm of separation.

 

The only sound advice for a husband in exile is to revert to emuna and to begin acting like a human being. He should learn to give without expectations in return; he should readily send his wife money for the family’s needs and see that they lack nothing. He should encourage his children to listen to their mother and avoid using them as pawns in a war against her. On the contrary, he should do everything possible to avoid saddening her.

 

 

One doesn’t become an ejected husband overnight – a long list of mistakes precede a wife’s drastic measure of throwing her husband out of the house. But, once the ax has fallen, if he so desires, he can make a new beginning and weather this tribulation successfully. If he reinforces his emuna, maintains his composure and sincerely turns to Hashem with all his heart, he’ll soon see how his situation turns around for the very best.

 

 

Now that he’s on his own, the husband has time for observation, self-evaluation, and correction of whatever needs correcting.

 

Very often, financial difficulties and debts plunged the household into a downward spiral. Now, away from the constant tension and bickering, the husband is free to solve the problems of his finances.

 

Frequently, a husband’s bad character trait was the culprit behind the breakup. No wife enjoys anger, laziness, ingratitude, and stinginess, just to name a few of the criminal flaws that destroy peace in the home. On his own, the husband should concentrate on identifying and correcting such flaws.

 

Substance habits, addiction to gambling, and violent behavior are lethal to a marriage. If a husband wants his family back, he should do everything in his power to treat such serious problems at the core. The chilling down period of a separation is a golden opportunity to seek help, kick bad habits, and strengthen one’s connection with Hashem. Enhanced prayer together with commitment and hard work increase the chances of success.

 

When Hashem sees that the husband has taken the necessary steps to fulfill his obligations, the wife will also discern the change for the better in her husband’s behavior. In that case, he won’t have to resort to all kinds of ploys in convincing his wife to take him back; she alone will ask him to come home.

 

When a husband returns home after having made the needed corrections, his relationship with his wife will be totally different. The apparent "tragedy" will reveal itself as a gift from Hashem that stimulated solutions to problems that otherwise would never have been solved. Only emuna can assure the gift of a truly new beginning in a marital relationship.

 

A husband shouldn’t force the issue and demand to return home before the time is ripe. He should strengthen his emuna that Hashem knows when the time is opportune to return home, and wait patiently until his wife is prepared to accept him willingly. In the meanwhile, he should take advantage of his circumstance to enhance his relationship with Hashem and to better himself.

 

Sometimes a husband asks to come home in order to handle pressing matters such as debts – this is a mistake. Debts and financial problems create tension even in homes of happily-married couples. The husband therefore is best advised to handle the problems from a distance, without creating additional friction by prematurely going home. He shouldn’t forget to include prayer, teshuva, and soul-searching in his list of things to do while solving a problem.

 

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Naturally, if a man has emuna, he won’t pin the blame of his marital problems on anyone else. No matter whether his in-laws incited his wife, or slandered him, or gave her backing, he doesn’t fall into the trap of hate and revenge. Even when his wife’s divorced girlfriends were encouraging her to throw him out (for misery loves company), or when any other person added fuel to his wife’s fire, he – the husband – remains the only one to blame. He must correct the situation, for no one else can.

 

A contented wife has a husband that knows how to please her. He listens to her, understands her, empathizes with her, and encourages her. He unloads burdens – both physical and emotional – from her shoulders. He protects her from pain. He readily fulfills her wishes and is sensitive to her needs. In short, he is her very best friend.

 

A contented wife doesn’t complain about her husband to her mother, to her girlfriends, or to anyone else. She won’t allow anyone – including her own parents – to interfere in her life. Outsiders get their foot in her door as soon as she becomes dissatisfied and frustrated. Then, she looks for someone to talk to and to complain to. Nothing frustrates a wife so badly as a husband that doesn’t listen to her and is insensitive to her feelings.

 

A woman wants to feel that her mate is her best friend, a father, a mother, and a confidant all rolled into one. She needs the security that she’ll be loved and accepted no matter what she does. She feels calm in knowing that even if she makes a mistake, he won’t criticize her. She certainly doesn’t need the type of husband that acts like the state’s witness – when she tells him her troubles, he points an accusing finger at her, blames her, and belittles her. Soon she won’t share her thoughts with him and their lines of communication will be severed; he can only blame himself for the subsequent crisis that will surely arise.

 

Caution – as long as a wife seeks the ear of a girlfriend, it’s a warning sign that she can’t pour her heart out to her husband. As long as she needs the constant backing and encouragement of her parents, it’s a warning sign that she doesn’t get enough love and support from her husband. As long as she spends hours on the telephone, it’s a warning sign that she lacks an attentive and receptive ear from her husband.

 

Since a peaceful home is dependant on the husband, certain male readers of this book may become depressed and discouraged; sorry, that’s not the way to react or to solve the problem. Even if you’ve made every mistake in the book until now, sadness, guilt, and torturing yourself won’t help. The way to improve a marriage is to conduct serious self-evaluation, improve and correct that which needs improvement and correction, and pray to Hashem for guidance and assistance.

 

To be continued…