The Good Fight

Isn’t it amazing how in literally seconds, your day can transform from a normal day with your normal routine into Chaos Central? It caught me so off-guard last week that I was ready for a nice, relaxing vacation at the nearest psychiatric institution. That Yetzer, he’s a piece of work. Just when we think we’ve overcome an issue we’ve been trying to correct, he’s out to prove that we’ve been fooling ourselves the entire time…or have we?
 
Here’s the scenario: it’s Friday morning, and I’ve actually got a head start on the Shabbat cooking. I even woke up early to make my challicious challah dough, and have set it out in the sun to rise before the kids got up. It was fluffier and more delicious-smelling than ever. My 2-year-old woke up first, and I made him breakfast according to his usual demands of “cheesetoast” and chocolate milky. After a long struggle to get my 6-year-old teenager out of bed, and my 4-year-old his chocolate milky at precisely the right temperature, we were finally ready for school. My husband even took them to school, which was a huge help for me. So far, so good. Wait, there’s more….
 
Yaacov, my 2-year-old, decided he would treat me to a wonderfully long hug as he rested his head on my shoulder for at least 20 minutes. I relished every second, and wondered why my other kids didn’t do this. Anyways, it was an unusual thing for him to do. My husband returns home, and of course he’s the favorite (how unfair- I do all the hard work!). A few minutes later, I get my first surprise sucker-punch from the Yetzer- Yaacov has thrown up on the floor. Before I can process what’s happening, all of the anxiety, fear, and deep trauma from my own childhood is desperate to burst through my skin, and I feel a meltdown coming on. “So that’s why he wanted me to hold him!” I realized.  Oh, man, I thought I was the favorite from then on… I guess I can keep dreaming.
 
After talking myself down from the edge of the bottomless pit of fear, I remembered that I was supposed to have emuna that it’s for the best. At that point I decided to actually practice what I preach, and tried to keep that as my mantra. It’ just a test, and it’s all for the best (what a catchy rhyme!). The rest of that day and night were spent cleaning up floors and changing lots of clothes and diapers. Poor kid- he handled it way better than I would have. That night, fever struck. But the worst seemed to be over.
 
(On a side note, let me tell you what happened to my fabulous challah dough. It rose beautifully. Just as I went to dig into the gooey mass and start forming braids, I let out a scream of horror- my dough was covered in ants! Thousands of ants were crawling all over the dough! It was disgusting! Another thing to add to my wonderful day.)
 
“Not so,” says the Yetzer, “I’ve only just begun!” Sunday passed without any incident. Then came Sunday night- “I’m ba-ack” the Yetzer said, with too much glee in his voice. Oh, boy, this was gonna get ugly- literally. My middle child, Yosef, woke up crying in the middle of the night, and his bed was not a pretty sight. I couldn’t believe it. Was this really happening again??! I started to panic- I was really down for the count. He got me good- a surprise left hook that left me semi-conscious on the floor. How could I retaliate? Thank G-d, my husband was there to help. OMG, he’s leaving town tomorrow!! I couldn’t believe it. Here I was, almost unable to cope with the stress of dealing with my biggest fear, and my husband is scheduled to take a 2 week trip to the States! Who would help me? I don’t have any family nearby, and what if I got sick? How would I take care of the kids? I felt myself wanting to black out.
 
The next morning began the longest, most laundry-filled day of my life. All I care to say about it is thatI was doing laundry and cleaning floors and changing horribly stinky diapers from 7:30 that morning until 9:30 at night. The diaper changing marathon lasted into the next day. Did I mention that Yaacov threw up twice more during the day? I was going directly from one kid to the other, changing a diaper or cleaning up a mess. All I could think about was the fact that I was crazy to let my husband go on this trip, leaving me by myself with three little kids, two of whom were sick, one of whom might be sick, and me, almost incapacitated by the stress of it all. Then, something changed…
 
“Hold it,” I thought. The Yetzer has me right where he wants me. He doesn’t want me to let my husband go, because the nature of the trip was to help spread emuna. So he aimed for the weakest spot I had- dealing with my past fears of throwing up, and making me watch my kids suffer. “That’s it, Yetzer, I’ve had enough!” All of a sudden, I decided to be strong. I wasn’t going to let him beat me without a fight. Next thing I know, I can hear the theme song to Rocky IV playing in my head. I’m jumping in place, I’m rolling my sleeves up, and I’m gonna kick your butt back to where the sun don’t shine, Yetzer! I’m Iraqi Balboa, and you don’t know who you’re messin’ with! The tide has turned- I’ve decided to fight the good fight. As the Yetzer, in the guise of the gargantuan Soviet boxer, goes for a quick sip of water in his corner, I’m waiting with my left hook ready to meet him in the jaw as he turns around. Boom, right in the face! I’m pumped. I’ve had it! I’m done being pummeled as I lay on the floor, just trying to survive. I’m gonna beat this thing once and for all!
 
I’m letting my husband go, so take that! A right hook to the face. If Hashem wants me to get sick, so be it! A left upper-cut to the chin. I will get through this, and I will win! Yes, the crowd is roaring! They’re jumping up and cheering for me, the underdog! As I continue to pummel the enemy, the music’s getting louder, the cheers are getting stronger, and I have become immune to the pain of his punches. The blood’s flowing, but I don’t let it stop me. With only a few seconds left in the tenth round, I’m giving it my all. That Yetzer is all mine! The bell finally rings… “And the winner is…Iraqi Balboa!” The crowd goes wild! As I do my victory dance in the middle of the ring, the Yetzer is writhing in pain, bruised and bleeding. Get lost, man.
 
What helped me turn around? Only emuna. Without it, I would have been the loser on the floor, waiting to be escorted to the nearest emergency room. Sometimes, Hashem gives us a message to prepare us for the “surprise” upcoming battles of our lives. I’d like to share that message with you, so that you may have the strength to kick your worst fears into oblivion. Right after Shabbat, I was looking for a book to read, and Rabbi Nachman’s Wisdom stood out at me. Okay, so I picked it up, and opened it to the middle. I was shocked, because the two parts I read were exactly what I needed to hear. It was the pep talk I needed before the showdown. The first part was talking about fear- in part 83, he explains that most people’s fears are actually not coming from them directly. The thing that causes us to be fearful of something is not actually a part of us- it is a foreign entity which has convinced us that we are intermingled with it to such a degree that we cannot separate ourselves from it. Once we understand this, Rebbe Nachman says that it is easy to distance ourselves from our fears and anxieties. He explains, “You must only realize that something else within you is responsible for them (your fears). Understand this and you can overcome everything.”
 
Unbelievable. And if that weren’t unbelievable enough, immediately following, in section 85, the Rebbe speaks of the spiritual importance of traveling. “If you do not sin, you can correct things wherever you travel. Even if you are an average person, you will do holy things in each place…For the lowliest Jew does holy things wherever he goes.” So, being that this upcoming trip was not just a regular business trip, but a chance to spread emuna, of course the Yetzer was trying his hardest to get me to stop him. Thank G-d, my coach, Rebbe Nachman, prepared me in advance for the fight of my life. Each of us has such a deep, hidden strength that we are unaware of. You can overcome anything that is holding you back from being the person you want to be. All you need is a good spiritual coach, determination, and emuna- you can unleash the champion within, and you will achieve victory!