Vayera: Why the Laughter?

"And Hashem said to Abraham, 'Why did Sarah laugh'?" (Genesis 18:13).

In the beginning of this week's Torah portion, three angels disguised as Bedouins from the desert appear to our forefather Abraham and inform him of the good news that he and his wife Sarah will give birth to a baby son by this time next year. Sarah, from inside the tent, puts her dried and bony 89-year old hands on her womb and chuckles to herself, “Shall my flesh rejuvenate itself after it has long ago lost its vitality? Is it possible for me to bear a child at all?” The Midrash tells us that Hashem told Abraham that Sarah couldn’t believe that she would have children, when in truth she thought that Abraham – who was 99 years old already – was the one that couldn’t have children. As such, the Midrash says, Hashem stretched the truth in order to preserve shalom bayit – the marital peace between Abraham and Sarah.

That in itself raises a tremendous question – if Hashem was so concerned about the marital peace between Abraham and Sarah, why did he tell Abraham that Sarah laughed and didn’t believe that she was capable of having a child? Isn’t this a form of gossip? Abraham didn’t hear her at all, for she was inside the tent and he was outside with the three angels. She was outside of his earshot. So why does Hashem tell Abraham that Sarah laughed? Wouldn’t it have been better if Hashem would have said nothing at all? Let’s ask an additional question: the Torah tells us that Sarah was on a higher spiritual level than Abraham – her powers of prophecy were greater than his. In that case, why doesn’t Hashem reveal Himself directly to Sarah, and ask her why she’s laughing? It seems to make more sense all the way around.

I asked my esteemed and beloved teacher Rav Shalom Arush this question too, and he had a simple and amazing answer based on a principle that he teaches in his classic manual for marital peace, The Garden of Peace: Hashem told Abraham that Sarah laughed because the woman is the mirror of the man. If Sarah didn’t have sufficient emuna to believe that Hashem can rejuvenate her at age 89 and give her a child when she’s been infertile her entire life, then that’s Abraham’s problem and not Sarah’s. If she seems to lack emuna on the outside, it’s because she’s mirroring some inner deficiency of emuna on his part. That’s why Hashem is telling Abraham that Sarah doesn’t believe she’ll be a mother and is therefore laughing. Hashem certainly doesn’t intend to pass gossip, Heaven forbid, nor does He speak directly to Sarah, because her weakness is merely a reflection of his weakness. Rav Shalom told me that Hashem is saying to Abraham, “This is your problem. You must rectify the deficiency that manifests itself in your wife’s disbelief. Get to work, Abraham – you have an area that needs reinforcement. As the patriarch of the Jewish people, your emuna must not be merely strong – it must be invincible.”

We therefore see that a wife’s deficiencies are an exact reflection of a husband's shortcomings. If we want our wives to be better in a given area, we first have to better ourselves. Comments and criticism won’t make a better wife – they’ll only destroy a marriage.

The Zohar teaches that man and wife are one soul. Every soul has two sides – a male side and a female side, created in the Divine image. Therefore, even if Abraham had perfect emuna, the female side of that soul, manifest by Sarah, needed reinforcement. Rav Shalom told me that it was Abraham’s responsibility to illuminate her half of their soul with his light of emuna. It was his job to teach her, to learn with her, to strengthen her, to talk to her about emuna, and to encourage her until she reached his level. Hashem is therefore telling Abraham that he should be doing more to strengthen his wife. “If she has a problem, it’s your problem. If you’re perfect and she’s not, it’s your fault, because it’s your task to illuminate her soul and shine the light of emuna and abundance on her. Talk to her, teach her, listen to her, smile at her – once you illuminate her soul, she’ll be on your same level, sharing your light.”

Do you know what that means on a practical level, beloved brothers? If you’re a Baal Teshuva and your wife is not, it’s your problem. If you observe the Sabbath and she doesn’t, it’s your problem. If you wear a kippa and she doesn’t dress modestly, it’s your problem. Whatever she does wrong is your problem, and don’t think that the Heavenly Court will accept any excuses. Don’t say that you have patience, but your wife suffers from anger. If she has a short fuse, it’s your problem. Don’t think that you have attained your spiritual correction, but your wife has not. Anything she hasn’t corrected means that you haven’t corrected the part of your soul that’s called “your wife.” Not only must a husband illuminate his wife’s soul and realize that she is his mirror, but he must pray for her as well.

A husband and wife are one soul, one unit. Therefore, there’s no such thing as the husband attaining a soul correction, while the wife has not. Maybe his half of the soul is corrected, but as long as her half is not, he must illuminate her and help her along until their one unified soul is corrected. Even more so, we can’t even say that her deficiencies are hers, since we’ve learned that she is his mirror. She reflects him.

Husbands, don’t ever forget that you and your wife are one.

Let’s comes to the defense of our matriarch Sarah: what’s really wrong with fact that she laughed? She thought that three Arabs from the desert were carrying what we call Ali Baba tales. She didn’t know that they were angels from Heaven. Imagine that three Arabs walk into your dining room in the middle of your dinner with your family and tell you to come outside because a giant eagle with padded seats on its wings has come to carry you and your family to the Land of Israel, because Moshiach has come and the new Beit Hamikdash has descended in a ball of fire to earth and landed smack in the middle of Mount Moriah in Jerusalem. You and your children would no doubt make fun of those Arabs and most probably think that they were spaced out on some substance. Of course you’d laugh and make fun of them! But what would you do if three fiery angels told you the same thing?

Even if three Arabs together with their camels walk into our dining room in the middle of our dinner and tell us to come outside because a giant eagle with padded seats on its wings has come to carry us to the inauguration of the new Beit Hamikdash with Moshiach and Moses as masters of ceremony – and I emphasize, three Arabs and not three angels are telling us this – if we don’t believe them we are weak in emuna. Sound strange? Not at all! if Hashem wants to, we can have Moshiach, the Holy Temple, and the revival of the dead at a snap of the fingers. It’s not that the three Arabs are credible sources of information or not. The point is that with real emuna, we have to believe that Hashem can do whatever He wants whenever He wants. Let's never forget that!