17 Sivan 5779 / Thursday, June 20, 2019 | Torah Reading: Shelach Lecho
 
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HomeSpirituality and FaithPersonal GrowthHow Shame Hurt My Emuna
 
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  1.
  I kniw G-d doesn't love me
 

I didn't grow up in a home that believed G-d is love. No, my Reform upbringing told me F-d was punishing G-d. We observed no mitzvot except 10 commandments. I never knew there were more than 10. I made aliyah and met and arrived a man who turned out to physically abuse and control me. When I could take no more I said I wanted a divorce. He said he would give me a Get, but the cost was give up custody of my only child. I never had any other children. I left Israel in fear of my life. My son thinks I abandoned him even thought I was able to visit him once a year. Then, I developed a disability that put me in a wheelchair and eventually a walker. Doctors still don't know what it was. I've been angry with Hewish law, with my ex, with G-d. How could a G-d who supposedly loved me and my son could wrench him out of my arms when he was 6yo. I've been disabled for over 20 years, now. My son is married and has 3 children. They still live in Israel, but not observant at all. I'm now 67 yo. I feel my life has been a waste. I never got to do anything I had dreamed of doing. I'm trying to renew my relationship with my son and have one with my grandchildren. I only learned about Torah and mitzvahs 5 years ago. I'm told Hashem loves me and dies everything for my good. But, how can taking my only child from me be good for me or my son? How could being disabled with something get doctors don't know about be good. I'm finally married again, but he never was married and he's now nearly 75 and fighting bladder cancer. We are both disabled. I want to move back to Israel to get done enjoyment from my grandchildren. My current husband doesn't want to go, so there may be another divorce for me if he doesn't change his mind and try to make me happy. I'm angry at Hashem for my wasted life. And, I'm supposed to believe He loves me? How can Hashem love me and cause me so much pain? How can He hurt me so badly and ruin my life? Is that love? Is that good? I do not see it nor feel it. I've tried talking to Hashem trying to get answers. My life has not been anything I wanted. Hashem ruined my dreams and hopes. I give up. If He doesn't help me return to Israel and develop a relationship with my son and grandchildren, I have nothing to live for. I'm done! I wish I had never met my first husband. He was evil. And, he turned my son against me. I was never able to have any more children. Hashem saw to that with fibroids that led to hysterectomy. I wish I had never met my current husband as he may be a barrier to my happiness. Our marriage isn't worth anything. We are more like roommates. I'm glad Hashem loves you. I'm glad you have a wonderful husband and lots of children. I'm 67 and have no idea what I'm here for except for life of suffering. I don't know what I did to deserve this pain. If I did I would have done teshuva to get rid of it. But, what do I know? My life has been a huge waste! Even my father thinks I'm good for nothing. My sister is getting his love and money. I lost my mom this summer and I'm in pain as she was my only friend in my family. Ive tried to have emunah but it's hard when nothing goes right. By the way, I remember you when you were with Wrapunzel. Glad to hear life is working out for you. And, I can't afford your coaching. Wish I could, but I need to save my money to move to Israel. That's my only hope.

 
Dina1/9/2019 8:56:37 AM
 
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