Blackout

“Teach us to count our days that we may acquire a heart of wisdom” (Psalms 90:12)

There was nothing and gradually I began to hear it; “What happened, Chaya? What happened?” “What happened, Chaya?” I was slowly able to zone in to my husband’s voice as he called to me from who-knows-where.

I opened my eyes to find myself on the cold, hard balatot (floor tiles).  My first reaction was ‘what am I doing here? Did I fall out of bed?’ Within seconds, bits and pieces returned of what little memory I retained from directly before the incident.  I must have fainted, totally blacked out, because the last thing I remember was becoming dizzy and calling to my daughter to get ready for school, with a barely audible voice.  I was on my way to wake her up, but decided to head back to bed to ward off the dizziness instead.  From that moment until this second of cognition, I drew a total blank.  My hand instinctively approached my mouth and to my horror, I felt blood oozing all over my fingers.  I brushed my tongue across my teeth and panicked as I felt as if ‘all my teeth’ had been crushed. (Baruch Hashem, it was only the large central incisor in front and the lateral incisor beside it which were broken.

The blood, I was to find out later, was mainly from a gash in my lower lip where my teeth had ripped a hole right through). By now, my husband and daughter were at my side, trying to help in any way they could. Despite my physical predicament, or more exactly because of it, all I kept thinking was “What sin has made Hashem so angry that He has done this to me?” I had no idea why, but I felt like He had just come down and smacked me good and hard in my face, the very notion of which made my heart sink momentarily. Yet, I immediately thanked G-d for sending me this tribulation as I have learned from Rabbi Lazer Brody, shlita , that we must be grateful for everything, even the seemingly bad, because in the end, it all boils down to being for our ultimate good.

The pain started making its presence felt just in case I would have any doubt about it.  What I found fascinating, though, was the whole concept of being unconscious and being oblivious to all existence for that short instance.  Here I was, a fully grown woman whose entire dead weight crashed down onto a cement floor, my mouth and chin taking the full impact of the fall, and yet I felt nothing.  In Hashem’s mercy, He saved me from that excruciating pain.  If I was to endure the ‘desired’ after-effects of the blackout, I am extremely grateful that He chose this method rather than something else much worse, chas v’shalom.  I was also thankful for the fact that, despite the big dental mess I would have to work through, at least my mind was still intact, B”H. Had I fallen slightly differently, who knows what the outcome would have been? But as with everything in life, each detail was meticulously orchestrated by The Almighty Himself.

Rewind five days to understand the physical reality of what happened.  It wasn’t out of the clear blue that I passed out. After spending Shabbat with my husband and another daughter who were sick with a nasty virus, I thought I had made it through unscathed. By Sunday night, though, I began to realize I hadn’t beaten the odds at all. Cough, headache, nausea, and chills set in and by Wednesday morning, when I fainted, my body was definitely lacking some essential vitality and nourishment. To some people, fainting may not be a big deal, but to someone my age who has never experienced such a thing, it was pretty frightening. All the ‘what-ifs’ began to surface; what if my husband wasn’t nearby or no one was home? How long would it have taken me to wake up without his prodding? What if I didn’t wake up at all, G-d forbid? Baruch Hashem, thank G-d, these questions did not require answers as Hashem set each facet in its precise place, just as it was meant to be.

Grotesque-looking mouth and all, I was not concerned about my face.  What was most upsetting to me was trying to decipher why it happened.  I knew that nothing Hashem does is random and to put me (and my family) through such a trauma was something I could not take lightly. The one thing that kept my spirits on high gear was another lesson Rabbi Brody taught.  When things like this happen, it means G-d loves me! If He didn’t care about me, He wouldn’t waste time putting me through tests to bring me closer to Him and to correct my soul. Then I realized that therein lay part of my answer…. complacency. Things had been going pretty well for me over the last few months and while I never, G-d forbid, took any of it for granted and always gave thanks, perhaps somewhere deep inside I had become slightly complacent. Rav Brody says when a person does not encounter tribulations for a long period of time, it’s a bad sign. Well, thank G-d, there was no longer a danger of that!

So I spent the rest of the day in prayer, introspection and soul searching.  I had a few questions for my cherished Rabbi since this was not something I could go through without some spiritual guidance. Among other things, he advised me to give Rav Shalom Arush a Pidyon Nefesh.  “Pidyon Nefesh is a surrogate for a sacrifice in the Holy Temple that mitigates severe judgments – it is charity money that is given to a true Tzaddik who knows how to invoke Divine compassion for the soul of the donor. A Pidyon Nefesh can save a person’s life”.  We had given Pidyon Nefesh before Rosh Hashanah, but it was obviously necessary to reinforce it again.  Whatever brought on this episode could be so far beyond my grasp that I would never figure it out. I pinpointed a couple of issues I felt uncomfortable with recently, so I immediately made a decision to make those changes, but the cause may be something much more profound than that. There could have been a harsh sentence hanging over my soul which I could no way be aware of, even possibly from a previous gilgul (reincarnation) which makes the Pidyon Nefesh all the more crucial. 

I did make one trip to the doctor, but only to appease my loved ones.  I had resolved from the moment I returned from the ‘unknown’, that I would put all my trust in the one true Doctor of the world, our Loving Father.  It is difficult after being so conditioned to run to the doctor for each discomfort, to suddenly look at life from a different perspective.  Not to minimize the importance of doctors, but there is a time and place for everything. Doctors are simply Hashem’s messengers whose services should only be used when completely necessary, and under guidance of a reputable Rabbi.

Why am I sharing this ordeal with you, my dear readers?  While I believe Hashem presented it to me as my own personal trial, He also provided me with an awesome privilege I am obligated to utilize.  By being allowed to write for Breslev Israel, Rabbi Lazer Brody has permitted me to expose myself to help save others.  If there is anyone who can take away some small morsel of inspiration from my experience, then the dividends are incalculable. Only through enlightening one another can the world be fully rectified. As Rabbi Hillel once asked:  If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?

These are three questions we must never stop asking ourselves.

May all mankind be blessed with good health and complete spiritual awareness soon!