Creating a Bigger Vessel

It’s been very interesting reading, and a few things have struck me in particular, as I’ve been going through the book. The one thing that is repeated time, and time, and time again is that getting closer to Hashem is not an easy process. There simply is no shortcut, or magic button, and a person will experience many let-downs, disappointments and setbacks in their quest to be a better Jew, and make Hashem part of their life. But the key to success is to understand that these setbacks are only temporary bumps on the road, and you just have to get back on your feet and keep going. Eventually, Hashem will have mercy on you, and all the prayers, yearning and effort will start to get somewhere.

 

When I read this, I had a mixed reaction. On the one hand, it was great to know that all the setbacks and difficulties are a natural part of the process. But on the other hand, there was a part of me that was a bit dismayed: “What? You mean to tell me that after everything that’s happened the last few years, I may still have years and years to go before I even really start to get anywhere??!?!”

 

I don’t need to tell you which ‘voice’ was saying that. Here’s a clue: it definitely wasn’t my yetzer tov (good inclination). My yetzer tov knows that this world is temporary, futile and illusory. It knows that the whole point of being here is the process, with all its ups and (even more…) downs. It knows that there is an awful lot of ‘icky stuff’ that needs to be cleaned out of my soul before I go back upstairs, and that everything I experience down here is a genuine, bona fide kindness – especially the things that I find so hard.

 

But my yetzer hara (evil inclination) wants an easy life. My yetzer hara has had enough of all the continual effort to maintain emuna. It’s had enough of pinging from one setback to another, from one crisis to another. My yetzer hara JUST WANTS THINGS TO BE EASIER, for a change.

 

But I know that my yetzer hara doesn’t have my best interests at heart. My yetzer hara is itching to lull my neshama back to sleep, so that I’ll stop making all the effort to clear out the icky stuff; and I’ll stop striving to grow in my service of Hashem. The trouble is, it has a very loud voice, it’s very persistent, and I (too often) find myself agreeing with it.

 

What to do?

 

A few weeks back, a good friend of mine asked me if I believed that a person could only grow in their service of Hashem if they were having a hard time. I had to take a good few moments to think, before I answered. My experience of the last few years inclined me to say ‘yes’ – yes, you have to suffer to get close to Hashem.

 

 

But then I remembered something else that I’ve read in a few Breslov books, about the power of prayer. Hashem wants us to have a relationship with Him. Usually, the only way that happens is if He sends us ‘suffering’ – infertility, ill health, money problems, shalom bayit issues, etc etc.

 

In the normal course of things, once the suffering goes, so does all the closeness to Hashem – which is great for the body, but poison for the soul. But there is one way that we can live a life of physical plenty and ‘goodness’, without it coming at the cost of our neshamas. And that way is prayer.

 

That’s because prayer, and particularly hitbodedut, builds a bigger spiritual vessel, which means that we can hold more physical abundance without it damaging our souls and distancing us from Hashem.

 

I haven’t been at that level for the past five years. I’ve been at the level of staying close to Hashem because I’ve been having a hard time. But now, I’m ready to move on to the next stage.

 

Now, I want to serve Hashem from love, and not because I’m fearful of what He’s going to do to me if I don’t keep His commandments. But I know I still have a lot of work to do before I can really get to that stage, so I’ve been praying my socks off, to try and ‘build’ a bigger spiritual vessel.

 

In the last few weeks, I’ve done nine ‘six hour’ sessions of hitbodedut, mostly concentrating on asking Hashem to find my family the community that will enable us to serve Him in love, in simcha and in abundance; and that will enable us to have a home filled with mitzvahs, and His light.

 

I really hope it’s not going to take me years and years to get to that stage. I believe that if I keep praying, I won’t have to keep choosing between what’s good for my body and good for my soul – because there will be a unity there, and my yetzer hara will have to call it a day.

 

And when that happens, I am throwing a very big party.