Every Last Drop

translated by Rabbi Lazer Brody
 
 
The Holy Zohar tells about somebody who was a criminal his entire life. Several times, he had the desire to do teshuva but he never succeeded. Finally, when he really wanted to leave his evil ways and be an upright person, he died before he had the chance. The Heavenly Court naturally sentenced the sinner to purgatory, and sent him down to the fiery depths.
 
The sinner reached the portals of purgatory and began screaming at the top of his lungs: "Woe is me, Woe is me! I wanted so badly to be a Baal Teshuva and an upright person, but I never succeeded in implementing my desires! Oy vey, vey, vey…"
 
Hashem's compassion, mercy, and lovingkindness are so magnificently infinite that He pulls the sinner out of purgatory, simply by virtue of his lofty desires, even though they were never implemented. The sinner requires a dry-cleaning for his tarnished soul, because after all, he never did actual teshuva. But, his "tour of duty" in the nether world is surprisingly brief – all because of his good desires.
 
Now imagine – if the sinner would have done even one session of an hour-long hitbodedut (personal prayer) that included a bit of actual self assessment and teshuva, he would never have been sent to purgatory at all! If the mere desire to do teshuva is enough to get him out of purgatory, then a bit of actual teshuva keeps him from seeing the fires of purgatory in the first place!
 
Ratzon, or desire, is the strongest asset a person has. Every last drop of desire is worth millions; no desire ever goes to waste. The Zohar teaches us that Hashem cherishes every last drop of good desires, the longing to get close to Him. Even more, Hashem treats our good but unrealized desires as if we actually accomplished them. On the other hand, Hashem does not do the same for negative desires, except when a person has the desire to do idolatry, G-d forbid. His mercy is amazing.
 
Hashem wants us to have strong aspirations for holiness. In effect, desires and aspirations are our primary free choice. It’s up to us to yearn, strive, and desire to get close to Hashem. Everything starts with desire, because desire us the first step in realizing any goal. But we have to be careful, for niuf – any breach in personal holiness – destroys ratzon. The Evil Inclination wages war constantly against a person’s aspirations by bombarding him with temptations; that’s why it’s so important to guard our eyes and our personal holiness, in order to preserve our lofty desires. If a person gives in to the Evil Inclination, Heaven forbid, his desires for holiness crumble.
 
If you truly believe that you desire to get close to Hashem, you have landed a knockout punch to the Evil Inclination. Your desire for holiness is the principle expression of the Divine soul in your midst. The Divine soul’s greatest aspiration is to connect with Hashem. As long as a person focuses on this aspiration, there is never reason for despair.
 
Emuna has two sides – just as we believe in Hashem, we must believe in ourselves and in our genuine desires to get close to Hashem.
 
The Gemara shows us just how strong the mere desire for holiness is, even if a person never did a good thing in his life. In tractate Kiddushin 49b, a completely evil person says to a woman, “I hereby betroth you so that I’ll become a righteous man.” The Gemara says that the woman is fully sanctified as the evil person’s wife, because if the evil person merely wanted to be a tzaddik, even if he has not yet done one good deed, he is considered a tzaddik! Such is the power of desire.
 
People fall into depression and despair because they don’t realize that their main job is desire. A totally crass bumpkin can become a Rebbe Akiva if his desires for holiness are strong enough. Rebbe Akiva was an illiterate laborer, the son of converts. Yet, according to the Gemara, he surpassed Moses. With enough desire, anyone can become a Moses or a Rebbe Akiva.
 
No one can touch a person’s desires. People lose heart because they think that their lives become more difficult when they aspire for holiness. They think that they’re suffering setbacks when they should be growing in spirituality. Rebbe Nachman explains (Likutei Moharan I:25) that the apparent fall is really ascent. As we progress from a lower spiritual level to a higher one, we have new and more difficult challenges. Yesterday’s easy life becomes today’s more difficult challenge, but that’s not a setback – it’s growth! Don’t be discouraged – keep on yearning for more growth!
 
There are no easy routes to get close to Hashem. It’s a 120-year-long war. So, don’t be lazy and don’t be afraid. We can destroy the klipot, the forces of spiritual impurity, by maintaining our personal happiness. When we’re happy, we reveal Hashem’s glory. Happiness destroys klipot and reveals Hashem’s glory, so happiness should be our main mitzvah – mitzvah gedola lihyot b’simcha – Rabbenu Nachman warned us to be happy always! By maintaining our desires for holiness, we will be happy always, amen!