Love Letters

I'm so in love with my boyfriend. I don't think you can find this kind of love even in the best romance novels. My beloved has dreamy deep blue eyes and honey blonde hair. He's not a man of many words, but that's a good thing- there's nothing to fight about. We hug and kiss all day long. I just can't bear to be away from him. Our theme song is “Secret Lovers.”
 
My boyfriend is just the cutest- he has two chins and a Buddha belly. He drools a lot and has two tiny but very sharp teeth. And his smile… there's just nothing like it. When he smiles at me, he lights up my life. My heart melts and my voice starts to squeak unintelligible gibberish. I love to taunt my husband by kissing my little boyfriend in front of him and telling him not to get jealous.
 
He's almost nine months old, and every day I wonder how it's possible that I love him more today than the day before. I really think one day I might explode from all of the love I have for him.
 
Hashem has given me a gift beyond words; beyond thanks. Many times, when I thank Hashem for my bundle of lusciousness, I recall the incredibly difficult pregnancy that I had. My article, “Nowhere to Run,” was an attempt at really knowing in my heart that the sickness which nearly drove me cuckoo would end in something wonderful.
 
And, it certainly did. Now, I look at him and think to myself that I would have gone through that suffering ten times over to have him. On the other hand, I'm still traumatized in a way, and hope to never go through that again.
 
People might think that since I knew that the sickness was from the pregnancy, it should have been easier to see that Hashem was doing everything for my benefit. And, they would be right. I understood it in my brain, but not in my heart. I saw during those difficult months just how low my emuna was.
 
When Hashem doesn't show us what the purpose of our pain is, we may suffer immensely when going through trials; especially if that pain is of a physical nature. We all know that a person can have all the riches in the world- but if he doesn't have good health, it means absolutely nothing.
 
With regards to physical suffering in particular, Rav Arush explains that this is the most efficient way Hashem speaks to us. When we have ignored all prior hints that there is something we need to change about ourselves, Hashem has no other choice but to hit us where it hurts the most. Only then do we really start paying attention.
 
In his latest book, The Garden of Healing, Rav Arush refers to health challenges as love letters from Hashem. He says that Hashem is reaching out to His beloved children because they haven't been making any sincere efforts to come close to Him. In my mind, we resemble college kids that are just too busy partying- um, I meant studying- to bother with calling their parents and letting them know that they're okay.
 
I'm sure there is at least one person out there that can relate to this example. Johnny is a freshman at some overpriced university away from home. He usually calls his parents once a day to keep them off his back. Sometimes he'll call his mom twice a day if he thinks she'll cave in and FedEx him his favorite chocolate fudge walnut brownies overnight, along with a few pair of clean socks and underwear. One day, Johnny didn't have a chance to make his usual phone call. You know, he was too busy “studying.”
 
Well, by the time a week has passed and Mom hasn't received a phone call from her pride and joy, she's nearly hysterical by the time she gets in touch with him. All of her attempts to call him, Skype him, what's-app him, or IM him on Facebook, have been met with silence. As you may well know, it's not a very pleasant conversation when Mom finally tracks him down.
 
But you can be sure that Johnny is certainly paying attention when Mommy threatens to cut off payment for next semester! Of course, he might roll his eyes and put the phone by his lap until she eventually unloads all her hysteria, but he's still semi-listening as he continues playing his Xbox, er, I meant studying.
 
Does Johnny think for a moment that his mother doesn't love him, even though she's screaming like a madwoman and making all sorts of threats? Of course not! He understands that he was wrong by not keeping in touch with her.
 
It's no different with our Father in Heaven. Well, there is one difference. When He wants our attention, He doesn't raise His voice 20 decibels and sound like a lunatic. Oh, here's another difference: He doesn't get angry.
 
We really need to understand this fact. Our Father doesn't get mad, and He doesn't punish. Nothing we go through is a reactive punishment. It is a soul cleansing. Trust me, when I go through challenges, particularly health issues, I certainly find it hard to internalize that this is given with love by my Father. All I want to do is cry and complain about the pain and discomfort that I'm feeling.
 
Some of you out there (Bueller? Anyone?) might recall that I love coming up with scientific formulas; all of which in my opinion are Nobel Prize-level genius. (Please note the slight sarcasm.) And without further ado, here's my latest formula: The degree of Hashem's attention-getting tactics is proportional to the degree of our spiritual ignorance!
 
Therefore, if we're spiritually conscious and aware of the occasional falls we take, and we do our best to keep moving forward, then Hashem only needs to give us a slight nudge here and there. However, if we're semi-comatose and driving through life on the wrong side of the highway with our heads between our knees while texting, Hashem's gotta do whatever it takes to save us from imminent disaster.
 
Sometimes, many times, life hurts. But we have to force ourselves to look at everything in a positive way, especially when we don't understand why things are the way they are. I am soooo not at this level yet, but I  do know this: if we take time every day to speak with our Father, we'll accomplish two major things. First, we'll create a strong and close relationship with Him. Second, we'll realize that everything He does for us is really an act of love.
 
It's up to use to decide what type of love letters Hashem will send us- the short and sweet type, like, “Darling, I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you.” Or, the long, drawn-out, “Where have you been?! I've been trying to get in touch with you, like, forever! Are you trying to avoid me?” etc, etc.
 
Trust me, the first type is waaayy better and tons less complicated! Seriously, who needs all that drama?